Tchadduiquerino led the way into a small square courtroom with three recliners on each opposing end. A tall lifeguard chair stood at the center, which he immediately claimed as his own.

“OK,” Tchadduiquerino pointed Paige, Olivia, and I toward the right side of the room, “Welcome everybody to my Fairness and Justice court.” He summoned a comically large gavel out of thin air. “I am going to be the Chief Justice during this event. Please, Ms. Plaintiff, present the evidence that you have collected.”

Ghoudd Insurance Employment Contract

By signing this contract, you agree to:

Spend the rest of forever working at Ghoudd Insurance for free. Go to hell if you don’t. Obey any orders from Tchadd Ghonzalles forever.

Your Signature: _________________________

Paige spoke up. “Your honor, I would like to contest every premise of this contract. The document’s assertion in Article 1 is an impracticability, as Emma will eventually die at some point, and the same applies to Article 3. In addition, Tchadd was required to provide his signature in order to bind Emma to these terms, and so he himself complied in following the rules laid out as per Line 2. This includes ‘going to hell’ if he fails to work at Ghoudd Insurance for free, and as I’m sure he is aware, he has turned quite the profit off of this business of his.”

Tchadd looked annoyed. “You raise fascinating contentions, Paige. It’s unfortunate that all of them suck. Emma cannot die because Ghoudd Insurance holds complete ownership over her soul, so it’s implausible that she might perish in any permanent sense. As well, I never signed off on a contract of any kind nor do I possess any obligation to, as I exclusively use awesome and special contracts that have validity regardless of whether or not my signature is present.”

“Your honor, the defendant’s position makes extensive use of criminal practice in all aspects. There exists no such contract that only one party is required to sign, and no individual has the authority to create one. It is clear that this contract and every similar contract is void of legal authority.”

“Delicious…” Tchadduiqerino licked his gavel, “My pal, you have an exceptional point. There is not any contract that requires only one signature. Tchadd, it would be helpful if you explained yourself.”

“Your honor, I don’t explain myself to haters.”

“That is OK. I am going to give you all my statements because I am also the jury in this case. I have decided that the contract is invalid and so I have also decided that it has no legal authority. You are all able to leave now.”

Tchadd flexed his muscles. “Well, okay, bitches, I still own Emma’s soul, so I can force her to work for me if she doesn’t want to end up in hell. She’s coming with me regardless. I don’t know what you thought all this would accomplish.”

I was still a bit confused on the whole ‘soul’ thing at this point. “I mean, even if you donate my soul to hell or whatever, I don’t think that forces me to physically be there. Like, I’m not in your bank vault or anything right now, so what would even change? I don’t understand how having my ‘soul’ does you any good at all.”

“I could send you to the vault if I wanted to, and I will if you keep being a bitch. The only reason that I let you roam free is because you are useless to the company without your physical form. Similarly, hell restricts all of its souls to its domain without possibility for escape.”

“What about all of the other people who escaped Ghoudd Insurance? Why didn’t you just donate their souls to hell too?”

“Taking possession of our employees’ souls is a brand new policy. You were the first one, actually.”

“Damn. That’s unlucky.”