// Author’s Note: Please do not read this if you value your time. This takes place in the same multiverse as Isekai Winner, but it does not involve any characters from Super Sweepstakes or Basketball Boy. It has no relevance to anything established in the story thus far, and you’ll have an instant brain aneurysm after the first paragraph. This was made to be as awful as possible, but it still manages to be painful even considering its ambitions. Thanks! //

It’s been said that my icy glare acts as an indiscriminate spear into the hearts of all who oppose me. I, for one, disagree with that sentiment. I may be chill, but I’m not cold. Regardless of what I believe, nothing stopped me from waking up to the sound of wind against my sleeping body. Wind is something I’ve grown quite familiar with, over the years. I find it’s often apt to describe the touch of wind against my paws as a fan held by a fairy.

Make no mistake, I’m not a dog or anything. I’m a genuine article human-being. I’ve also never met a fairy. What I was trying to say is that I liken wind to a wild dog, only tamed through kindness. As I fell out of bed, I couldn’t help but notice that the water droplets from my leaky ceiling almost seemed to contain my own reflection - I could make out my haircut, styled to appear to the average observer as the hat of the 16th United States president Abraham Lincoln from a distance, however, with a twist: at the top, the ends curled to form a stylish afro perm that resembled styles that were often seen in Miami in the early 1970s.

In my experience, it’s not uncommon for those unfamiliar with me to be quite taken aback by appearance, which in addition to my eccentric hairstyle, features several hundred scars from various biking accidents I’ve had over the years. When I was a young child, I was kicked out of kindergarten for looking too mature. It’s something I’ve dealt with ever since.

Surrounding me, I saw several walls (four) with beautiful colors, held together by a leaky ceiling above. I realized immediately that this had been the same room that I had awakened into for the past few months of my life, although it hadn’t quite set in yet: these things never do.

See, my profession requires a lot of travel, and I never have the time to settle into any one area. More on that later. Anyways, I put on some clothes and left the apartment. Before I do anything else, I need to get my coffee fix. I looked down at my watch, only to notice that the date read 2/29/2020. A leap day, huh? Maybe it’s my lucky day. The time also read 2:29, which was a strange coincidence.

I went to the usual cafe. The one that hung on a silver thread.

“Sup, Freak!” The barista greeted me. If you’re wondering why she called me ‘Freak,’ it’s because that’s my name. If it was meant as an insult, then I can assure you that the results would not have been pretty.

“Sup, barista!” I met her greeting with an equal response. I didn’t know it yet, but this was about to set off a chain of events that could not be undone.

“Okay then, which drink is the one that you’d like to drink? By the way, we don’t serve alcohol, so no drinking here!” Her expression was heavy as lead, as though many had made that mistake.

“That’s okay, I only came here for some coffee.” I said.

“Phew. Well, what kind of coffee would you like?”

“Well, what do you have?” I said.

“Oh… a newbie. I imagine you’re quite embarrassed right now. Everyone in this building is laughing at you right now, but they’re doing it quietly so you don’t hear it. Anyways, we have Alaskan King Beans, Arabica, Robusta, and the special. Which one does your powerful heart desire most?”

“I’ll take the Robusta, it’s the one that strikes me the most.” I said.

“That’s good. But, if I may remind you, our special is only available once before it’s gone.”

“In that case, I’ll take one to go.” I said.

“Certainly. Wouldn’t want to miss out, isn’t that right?”

“I suppose that would be bad.” I said. She then gave me a receipt with a number written on it and told me to wait for my order to be ready. On any other day, that’s exactly what I would have done, but I didn’t feel like being bossed around on a leap day.

“Here’s your receipt. Come back when you hear your number.”

“No.” I said.

She frowned with the weight of a thousand pounds of osmium, “This isn’t something you can get out of so easily.”

“I never said it’d be easy.” I said.

“We’ll see about that…”