《End's End》Chapter 32: Pain of all sorts
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Xeno had found that she had recently been feeling thankful for her expansive medical knowledge with alarming regularity. While her general scientific prowess had yet to serve her in any great way, there had been no shortage of opportunities to benefit from her expertise in regards to the human body. That probably reflected rather poorly on her combat abilities, but frankly Xeno was past caring about such things as that.
She’d been right about her broken clavicle, and it had taken her the better part of an afternoon to properly set it. In the end she’d improvised a shoddy but functional sling for herself, finding it hard to appreciate the stroke of luck which had prevented her from needing to bind the fragmented bone back together with metal rods- even she would have failed in such an endeavour.
A particularly heavy step jarred her arm ever so slightly, and Xeno winced at the entirely disproportionate agony which racked her injury.
Just as thankful she was at her knowledge, she was now regretful at being stricken with whichever madness had made her decide to go for a night time walk. The air helped her, frigid as it was simply inhaling it brought a sharp sting to her lungs and drew her attention from the pain of her collar, and yet the occasional jolt her wound received from something as simple as an incorrectly weighted step made her marvel at her own stupidity.
Xeno had gotten only a quarter mile from her home before deciding to turn back, and so she was dutifully- but tentatively- retracing her steps. It was fascinating to see how quickly the chill air metamorphosed from refreshingly distracting to tantalisingly irritating. It seemed to numb more and more of her body with each stride, and try as Xeno might to quicken her pace, her tediously small legs simply couldn’t carry her fast enough to outrun the miserable cold.
Just another two hundred or so metres, perhaps a quarter more in steps. Xeno could do that.
She pulled her thin coat tighter around herself with her good arm, simultaneously cursing the fragile protection it granted from the harsh temperature and the fact that she had to be careful doing something as simple as covering herself for fear of further torturing her clavicle.
Trudging along, Xeno’s thoughts soon began to escape her. She felt that familiar tranquility wash over her mind, just as cool as the biting wind- yet in an entirely pleasant way. The discomfort of her exposure became a distant thing, as did the agonised twing of her injury. There was only logic. Only reason.
A voice called out to Xeno, and with a start she felt her meditative calm disappear. She turned to the source, blinking with unfocused, wind-wet eyes to make out the form of Astra. In a few seconds the blonde girl had jogged over to her, stopping before Xeno and looking down at her with a smile.
“Uh, hi Xeno. Didn’t expect to see you out in this weather”.
Xeno’s first attempt at a reply came out as more of a strangled grunt, and it wasn’t until she tried clearing her throat that she was reminded of the persistent throb it had been accompanied by ever since the second stage. Pushing all thoughts of bald men and squeezing hands from her mind, she focused on the conversation.
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“Hello”, she forced- perhaps too enthusiastically. “I could say the same about you, though I’m sure it wasn’t quite this cold when I first set out. I only wanted a quick walk to clear my head”.
The girl nodded, and Xeno noticed she seemed somewhat distant. As soon as she saw the look of vacancy, however, it was gone- replaced by yet another bright smile.
“Oh, well I’m in a similar boat”, she chuckled. “Only I didn’t walk, I ran. Also I only know where my, uh, apartment is to the nearest kilometre”.
Astra laughed, but there was a hollow sort of ring to it, and Xeno suddenly felt very sorry for the girl. It took her only a moment to decide what to do.
“Would you like to come back to my place? I’m staying in a set of rooms quite near here, they’re a bit small but they’re warmer than standing out here”.
The blonde’s face lit up, half in relief and half in eagerness. She nodded so fast Xeno thought she might shake her head free of its shoulders.
“That would be wonderful, thank you!”
Something in the girl’s voice made Xeno entirely sure that she was being completely sincere, enough so that she could feel her own smile enlarge just from beholding it. However the corners of Astra’s mouth wavered slightly as she continued.
“Or at least, if you’re sure. I’d hate to be any trouble”.
Shaking her head, Xeno began to turn- gesturing with her good arm for Astra to follow.
“Nonsense, it’ll be no trouble at all. Come with me!”
And so she did. Something about having company made the remaining half of Xeno’s walk feel ever so slightly shorter. She and Astra chatted away, though their words had to be forced out in-between shivering twitches brought on by the cold. As pleasant as it was to laugh and joke, Xeno still found it quite relieving when she finally reached her temporary home.
Xeno was staying in a pair of rooms she’d rented from a larger building, they could be accessed from the outside- but only by walking up a flight of steps built into the outer wall of the structure. She hadn’t considered that to be particularly problematic upon paying for her stay, but her newly-acquired clavicle wound had changed her mind quickly.
One agonising trip up the steps later, it took only a few moments of fumbling one-handed with her key before Astra offered to open the door for her Xeno practically leapt into the warmth once the way was clear.
The first room was the one Xeno found the most comfortable, it was perhaps fifteen feet in width and length- adjacent to the outside and carpeted very thinly. While it was extraordinarily hospitable by comparison to the frigid climate of a Bermudan winter, the walls were still far too thin to be battered by its winds without letting a chill seep through. This, and the hardness of the floors with such a scarce carpeting, meant it was pleasant only by comparison to being outside.
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It was better than her other, however. The room with the thick, shaggy carpet, walls made to trap in heat and even a bookcase of Xeno’s favourite reads. She would take a chill and uncomfortable furniture over such an unsettlingly similar placement as the room Father had placed her in.
Gesturing for Astra to take one of the simply carved wooden chairs set aside the low table in the centre, Xeno opted to plant herself on the floor- preferring the thin coverage of the carpet. Besides, she already had to look up to talk to most people anyway.
The two of them sat there in silence for all of two seconds before the awkwardness became too much for Xeno, and she found herself blurting out the first thing that came to her mind.
“Sorry about the, uh, state of the place- my savings are a bit thin so it was the best I could afford”.
The blonde seemed almost embarrassed at the apology.
“Oh don’t say that, you were kind enough to invite me inside. I might’ve frozen to death otherwise. Besides, I like your home- it’s cozy”.
Cozy. Xeno wasn’t sure that was the word she’d use, suppressing a shiver she gestured to one of the far walls with her head.
“Uh, I have a few blankets over there- if you get chilly”.
For all Astra’s talk about the warmth of the building, she wasted no time in getting up to fetch one of them. Xeno noticed her retrieve a second before she could even ask for one, apparently Astra had noticed her response to the temperature.
While Xeno focused on wrapping herself without bringing further pain to her collar, Astra began to quietly talk.
“Xeno, can I ask you something?”
“I suppose that depends on what you’d like to ask”.
Xeno made an effort to sound light-hearted, the last thing she wanted was to incite suspicion or prying questions after all. Thankfully Astra didn’t respond with either.
“Okay so, uh… we have a duty to protect people close to us, right? Like, brothers, sisters, parents, friends and all that. If they’re in trouble, it’s on us to help them out”.
Astra continued only after Xeno nodded in agreement.
“Right. So, how far does that duty go? What if helping them might… uh, threaten us? Like if they’re trapped under a giant boulder and can’t be pulled out without risking your own life. Or… What if they don’t want help? Would you say it’s still part of our duty?”
There were some areas in which Xeno’s knowledge was sadly lacking, however even she was not so socially inept as to find the root of Astra’s question beyond grasp. It had been over a day since she’d seen the girl’s brother fall, more than twenty four hours separated the present moment from their battle- and yet Xeno could still vividly imagine the image of him climbing to his feet with his entrails nearly spilling out from in-between his fingers. She doubted it would ever leave her, and just the briefest thought of it banished all questions or confusion she might have had as to why exactly Astra was asking what she was.
However while she could understand why having any kind of familial tie to someone like that would fill a person with such questions, Xeno was far less confident in her ability to give meaningful answers. With a start she realised it had been several long seconds since she’d been asked at all, and her face burned as she scrambled to reply.
“I… I don’t know Astra, this isn’t something I’ve ever had to worry about…”
The blonde seemed dejected, but forced a smile all the same.
“No, don’t apologise. I shouldn’t have forced that kind of question on you- it’s fine. Thank you again for letting me stay here for a while”.
It was a transparent attempt to change the subject to one less awkward, but at the same time Xeno could think of no reply she’d have rather gotten from the girl. She eagerly began chatting away with Astra about whatever came up, just as eager for the shift as the blonde was. Her own uselessness aside, that topic had begun to bring up some of her own uncomfortable memories.
She felt her fingers nervously twitch in the way they always did when thoughts of Father came to the forefront, and found herself distracted. The issue with Xeno being who she was was that, try as she might, it was exceptionally hard to fully distract herself. Even something as demanding as a conversation with another person left plenty of brainpower for her to have whirring away in the background, and that was exactly what was happening now.
What would Father say if he saw how she’d handled herself in the Sieve? She knew what he’d do of course, she’d been punished enough to know that his actions would never change. But what would he say? After a moment she realised it to be a foolish question, even to ask oneself. The answer was no less obvious than the direction of gravity.
Thoughts are like energy, Xeno. They can be neither created, nor destroyed- only changed.
She took his advice, changing her own thoughts to bring them back to Astra- focusing her entire concentration on the girl and telling a joke with renewed vigor. As she banished Father’s presence from her mind, there was only a single notion left behind- present for the briefest moment before that, too, disappeared.
Xeno wasn’t sure whether someone who didn’t want help could still deserve it, but she very much hoped they could. The thought that she hadn’t been worthy of rescuing was simply too awful to bear.
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