《Jack and Jill Conquer the Shattered World》92: Farmer Bros

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“Ngh...Ah,” I groaned. Getting up off the office chair and stretching. Deciding to exit the beige-black void that I had been working in, for a change of scenery. Even immortals could suffer from mental fatigue and I’d been working at a crunch pace for quite some time, which was probably no good.

Integrating all those new users from the new universe that now had access to my Empty-Dream was turning out to be harder work than I’d thought. It was the weirdest thing. I’d barely put any effort into getting the Shattered-World’s people accustomed to and adjusted to the Empty-Dream, but this second time there were all these little bumps and hurdles that kept popping up.

Part of it was likely due to the greater scale of the integration project. The Shattered World was just one world. Now I had to deal with an entire universe. However, honestly, I’m thinking Alina and Sigi might have sheltered Jack and me far more than we thought. They were helping us this time as well, because this whole project involved our company, the Empty-Market Trading Company. But it was looking like Jack and I would need to expand our operations pronto. Thankfully, we knew exactly the folks to turn to, in our time of need.

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“You that Jilbert Calloway guy? The Empty Archivist?” said a random stranger, who’d accosted me as I was grabbing a coffee from this cafe, run by a group of immortal witches. Instead of answering the guy, I took a sip of my coffee first, because I was getting a vibe that this might turn into a fight, and I didn’t want to risk the coffee without at least tasting it first. Then my groggy, overworked, brain remembered I had a subspace and threw the coffee in there.

“Damn...That’s spooky good,” I muttered. Finding that the coffee tasted like some smokey, bitter-sweet, chocolate milkshake that had been left out in a thunderstorm, under a lone umbrella, while some rock and roll legend channels lightning into beans. The coffee was strong, and whatever kind of beans they were using seemed to be super-charged enough that even my insanely high constitution stats couldn’t completely block out the effect.

“What?” said the stranger who’d popped out from nowhere. Looking perplexed and perturbed for some reason.

“Huh?...Oh, yeah. That’s me. Can I help you?” I said.

“Well, then prepare to…”

“Wait...Is that a sheep?” I said. My attention was wavering. Shifting towards the large pink sheep that were gathered behind the guy.

“Uh...Yeah. What of it? I was heading here from a livestock trade with one of the gods of farming that lives nearby and you’re a hard guy to find and...Why am I even explaining this to you? Prepare to-!...”

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“Are they Aurora-Horns?” I said.

“Yeah, I figured they’d get along well with the Jade-hoof sheep I already have...and who knows, if I get lucky, I might end up with a bumper stock of Aurora-Jades…No, wait...What am I saying?... Stop distracting me! You and I are going to fi-!” said the man.

“Nice...I’ve been trying to cultivate some Hurricane-Goats myself...but for such a robust lineage their kids tend to be so sickly...and it’s been a headache and a half,” I said.

“Oh, for that...I’ve found that you need to feed the mothers rainbow-lightning grass during and after the pregnancy, so that the kids will get extra lightning-element nutrients both during and directly after their gestational period...It makes them much less likely to get sick,” said the man.

“Huh...I rainbow-lightning grass? Are you sure? I’ve been feeding them imperium-storm grass,” I said.

“Are you crazy?! That’s way too rich for baby Hurricane-goats! Remember that these are creatures of the clouds ‘and’ the sea...You need something a little more mellow to keep from burning their aether channels out,” said the man.

“Yeah...But that’s why I feed them Morpheus-oats. To counteract any negative effects of the imperium-storm grass,” I said.

“.....” the man glared at me.

I glared at the man.

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A little later I ended up returning to the office with the coffees and breakfast pastries for Jack, Kalpana, Alana, Sigi, and myself.

“Huh? You certainly took a while,” said Jack. Grabbing a coffee from the tray of coffees I’d just brought out of my inventory.

“Uh, Yeah...Sorry about that. I ran into this guy,” I said.

“Someone actually tried to attack you?” said Kalpana. Sounding alarmed, and a little offended, which I found sweet for whatever reason.

“Um...No actually, the dude was a pretty swell guy...We ended up talking about farming. Swapping tips and stories,” I said. My brow furrowing, as I felt like I was forgetting about something important.

“Woah? Way to go! I’m surprised. I never thought I’d see ‘you’ going out and getting social all on your own,” said Jack. Laughing.

“Uh...Yeah. Well, it just sort of happened,” I said. Sheepishly tweedling the end of the

“Alright, well, we have our own good news. We finally figured out how to automate the onboarding process for that one galaxy cluster that we were having trouble with, and old man Yang Shichao finally got back to us about having the Forest of Life and Death finally join our ‘Empty-Archive Society’, so that’ll definitely speed things up for us,” said Jack.

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“Oh, that’s some very excellent news!” I said. Pleased to see that we’d soon have our friends from the sect officially joining us.

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A few days later, Tobias Mathisen, “War-Mage of the City of No Stars” and one of the most powerful transcendental mortals in the entire Shattered-Heavens, ended up reluctantly reporting to a group of shadowy figures. He wouldn’t have shown up for this meeting but they kept pinging him over the various networks and channels that the immortals of the Shattered-Heavens used and socially speaking he couldn’t just ignore these beings.

“Did you kill the Calloway?” said the susurrus voice of one of the figures.

“Uh...First off, I already told you that chances of ‘that’ happening were extremely low, they’re still in dragon territory...and the last time I clashed with that guy, an entire half of my body shattered just by bumping into him…”

“Did you at least test his might?” said another voice. Soft and low and musical.

“Er...About that, you should have already been informed that the payment that you sent was returned to you…” said Tobias. Feeling a bit awkward.

“You lost your nerve!” bellowed a voice like crashing waves and howling wind.

“No! No...I did not fucking lose my nerve...It’s just...Turns out the guy’s pretty decent...He’s a man who understands the value of life. A farming bro. A real deal one too,” said Tobias.

“Betrayer!” said one voice.

“Traitor!” said another.

“He’s a farming bro? Is this true?” said another voice. With a flat, feminine, voice.

“Yeah, the guy actually has genuine Thousand-Eye Cattle…The ones that can see the future,” said Tobias.

“Irrelevant!” said one of the shadowy figures.

“We had a deal, dammit!” said another of the shadowy figures.

“Nonsense, those have been extinct for countless eons…” said the one particular shadowy-figure with the flat voice.

“I know, man...Apparently, there was a sphere in the chaotic sea floating around with a small, but viable, population of them...I actually got him to sell me a couple,” said Tobias. Getting audibly excited despite his best intention.

“Disgusting! To disregard our pantheon for such trivialities! said one of the figures.

“We had a deal! Is no one paying attention to that? What in the nine hells happened to the sanctity of a contract?!” said another of the figures.

“...I...Uh...I might have to leave this enclave,” said the flat-voiced immortal.

“Wait, what?!” said another immortal turning to the flat-voiced immortal.

“It’s uh...It’s a thing. My apologies. The Shattered-Heaven’s farming community is actually quite small, and can be intensely close-knit...I cannot afford to end up locked out after making him into an enemy, if the Calloway immortal is truly one of our number,” said the flat-voiced immortal.

With that, the flat-voiced immortal’s presence vanished.

"Fuck! Me too then! Who the fuck cares, apparently contracts mean nothing and we're living in a cosmos of anarchy!" howled another immortal. Tearing off their beard and leaving the torn hair behind as they left.

".....”

“....”

“....”

No one said anything for a bit. Then one immortal grumbled.

“Fucking, Betsy! Always doing whatever she wants! So, selfish...Well, I guess I’m out too...Her inclusion, was kind of the main thing that I was bringing to the table, and I can’t really afford the risks of possibly going up against the Calloways, the Dragons, and the DCA, without her...So, uh...bye,” said another female immortal, in the shadows. Her presence vanished in the next instant leaving the shocked group of immortals staring at the two empty spots.

Tobias couldn’t help groaning inwardly. Wishing the three immortals had waited until he’d said his piece and gone first, because now his role was going to be incredibly awkward.

“Just...Just go,” sighed another of the immortals.

“Huh?” said Tobias. Shocked but delighted.

“Full disclosure...I already lost one of my vital incarnations to those Calloways...which is part of why “I’m” here in this group... But I’ve seen this shit happen before. If conspiracy’s falling apart at the planning stage, we’re basically a garage band with no real songs and no place to practice in...All we’ll be able to do is make noise...and I can’t really afford the expense that would come from making that noise so...Yeah, I’m out too,” said another of the immortals. The head of the shadowy group.

Once the leader had left, the rest of the immortals ended up leaving as well. Vanishing one by one. Tobias soon found himself standing in the shadowy space all alone. Then with a sigh of relief, he left as well.

“Uh, well, that wasn’t so bad I guess,” said the Immortal War-Mage. Teleporting out of the space before it collapsed onto itself. Erasing all evidence of the group that used to meet there.

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