By the 20 year mark, everyone viewed us with awe and fear. We’d barely aged at all, while everyone else had gotten quite old. Some peoples fear took over their common sense and they tried assassinating us. Between our seemingly indestructible bodies and my fairies information network, they never stood a chance.

When Jing had reigned 30 years, the disgraced Prince’s family managed to pull together enough people to start a rebellion. I will give them credit, they knew not to attack us directly. Instead they tried taking out our support base instead. How very like their predecessor.

I’m afraid they managed to murder a few people before we figured out what was going on. Just because I have fairies, doesn’t make me all-knowing and all-seeing. If I didn’t know a problem was brewing, how could I possible stop it? That’s essentially what happened.

How tiresome.

This Empire of their’s had been flourishing so well, foreign countries were begging for alliances. Since the Emperor wouldn’t marry their daughters, they had to find other ways. At least two smaller countries forcible surrendered themselves to us and demanded we make them territories. That was one of the few times Jing had been genuinely taken off guard. He wasn’t allowed to refuse, so he ended up expanding his Empire regardless of his own thoughts on the matter.

And yet, despite how good everyone had it, there were still people who rejected us. Because we seemed eternally young that was enough to stir up hatred. Envy and jealousy, mixed with fear, are terrible things. It’s no wonder practitioners of the mystic arts don’t like ruling. It’s such a hassle.

We flattened the rebellion, but we made sure to do so publicly. It was important that people understand, for several generations, not to be so foolish in the future. Their titles were stripped and their wealth was given to other people. Their homes were burned to cinders, even if they were located in the Capital proper. Everyone involved, including their families, were executed publicly.

There was one thing I requested of the Emperor. All their children, twelve and under, were to be given to me. Emperor Shu did not like my request, as it sounded a lot like what his grandfather had done, but did allow it.

Each child came before me. My powers had dimmed somewhat after being in a human body for so long, but I could still sense good and evil in a person. The children who were clearly innocent or able to be reformed, I kept. The ones that had been tainted beyond hope, I sold into slavery across the border. Whether they lived or died, I chose not to care.

There were not many guilty children. It did not surprise me at all that the worst offenders were the descendants of that vile disgraced Prince all those years ago. It was simply amazing how his ugly heart had managed to infest so many generations of his family.

I now had a lot of children on my hands. As far as rebellions go, it was fairly small. But small still involved several hundreds people. That meant several hundred children. What to do with them all?

The less skilled and simpler ones I had trained to be servants. I spread them out, putting them in decent families with good reputations. The more skilled ones, I paired with lower and high noble families, as adopted sons and daughters. The best children, the brightest, kindest, and most skilled, I selfishly kept for myself.

My girl friends had long since married and had children of their own. Their children’s children now had children. I was the only one without a child. I was envious of them. I was envious of the laughter, cries, and even the tantrums. Even though I had everything, I didn’t have that. And I wanted it so badly.

There were six children from the ages of 8 months to 7 years old. They had been told their parents had died, but not how, and that they were now in the care of the Empress. They were informed about the news as though it was a good thing and they were very fortunate. But naturally they were lost, confused, and very very sad.

My fairies had gotten bored with me over the years, stopping by only to pass on information before leaving. But now that I had six little children at the Palace, they had a reason to stay.

The fairies were what brought smiles back to the faces of those children, not me. I did try on my own, but I was an Empress. I dressed and talked like one, and it made me intimidating to be around despite my best efforts. But the fairies were fun and silly and also willing to give comfort in the quiet hours of the night when no one else was around.

Jing tolerated the children. He disliked that they took my time, as it made him feel neglected. Though he’d spoiled me over the years, I’d also spoiled him too. Look at what an ungrateful brat he’d become! I didn’t belong to him like a possession, I had a life too!

I forced Jing to interact with the children, to get to know them. They were all good kids. How could they not be? My judgment of character was never wrong. As they grew, not only would they bring extra stability to the country, they would be loyal to Jing. It only benefited us to invest in them and help them grow.

After a few years, his heart softened. The Eldest boy turned 15 and Jing gave him the title of Third Prince. Both the Court and the country was excited. This was the first time their Emperor had bothered to think about future heirs. Even if it was entirely unconventional, and only the ranking 3rd, they now had some assurance that if something happened to Emperor Shu, there would be a prince to take over.

Each of the children, when they turned 15, were granted the title of Third Prince or Third Princess. They were given a great deal of freedom, despite being Imperial Princes and Princess. Whatever they wanted to do, they were allowed to do it.

And then, I was pregnant again. It happened about every year, so I didn’t think much of it at the time. But this pregnancy lasted longer than the others, and a flicker of hope ignited in me.

At the third month mark, I felt like something was draining out of me and I became tired all the time. Despite my reassurances that everything was fine, everyone worried. The Emperor and I were thought of as immortals at this point, and the idea there could be any kind of physical ailment to afflict us was shocking. Jing was the worst worrier of them all, to the point that I had to hide from him for my own sanity’s sake.

I looked deep within myself, at this growing child, to see what was happening. I understood early pregnancy in a way that no one else in the world did at this point. I knew that the baby took nutrients from the mother’s body and that was normal.

This baby was doing that, but also something else. He was sucking out my spiritual power too. And not just a little bit, he was a greedy little bean. He was consuming vast amounts of my strength every day. It was no wonder I was tired!

I covered my face and wept bitterly at the realization. I knew now why all my children had died. Their bodies were a pure mix of Shu Fu Jing and Ya Xuilan, but their spirits had been like stillborns. Their spirits were like mine, not human, and the lack of a power source had instantly killed them. They needed a body that could draw power and the mountains to sustain them, but I wasn’t near the mountains. And their bodies had been pure human, designed for human souls.

I think the reason why this child survived was because he wasn’t a perfect mix of Shu Fu Jing and Ya Xuilan. Instead, he was a mix of Jing, Xuilan, and Xuiying. More Ying than Lan, I suppose you could say. It made his physical body a bit like my fairy children. And in so doing, it allowed him to absorb power directly from me rather than from a nonexistent mountain source.

This child had a high chance of survival because of his “birth defect”, but the price was steep. If he continued at this rate and speed, I would be almost completely drained by the time he was born. If I was lucky and careful, I’d get to see him to adulthood before my spirit lost it’s ability to remain cohesive.

Basically, I’d die.

I could cut the unborn baby off now and absorb the energy back. His spirit was simple and defenseless, it wouldn’t be hard. But I… I…

How could I kill my own child?

The question struck me with grief so hard, it actually made me sick. I got a fever and couldn’t leave the bed for a week. I told Jing the problem wasn’t a physical illness, but he called the Imperial Physicians anyway.

They weren’t the best doctors in the nation for no reason, they instantly could tell I was pregnant. When I saw the realization flash in their eyes, I grabbed them with a vice like grip and shook my head. They mustn’t tell Jing before I’d made up mind on whether to keep this child or not.

It was clear they didn’t like what I was asking them to do. I had everyone but the Physicians leave the room and talked to them. After I mentioned my prior miscarriages, they understood. If they told the Emperor I was with child, and the child died like all the ones before, that would be extremely bad.

Still, they believed the child was the source of my fever. After some discussion, they decided to treat the fever and the pregnancy, but brazenly lie to the Emperor about it.

So that’s exactly what they did, with straight faces filled with concern. They told the Emperor I had pushed myself too much lately, and it had caused a fever. If I rested and took the medicine they gave me, I would surely improve. The Emperor wasn’t sure this was an accurate diagnosis, but since he had nothing better to go on, he agreed.

I’ll never trust a Physician again. They can lie like the best conman. Color me impressed…

After a week, I made up mind. The moment I’d decided, my fever broke. The Physicians still forced me to take their medicine. It tasted horrible and they kept finding new mixtures to give me.

Seriously, don’t trust Physicians. They say they’re healing you, but it’s clear they’re just trying to poison everyone with their nasty concoctions.

I would keep this child. He wasn’t even born yet, but I already loved him. I loved him more than my own life. Even in a week’s time, his little body and spirit had grown and become more complex. Even though I had my fairy children, this feeling of being a mother was completely different. It wasn’t just a little bit of Jing flowing through his veins, there was a little bit of me, Xui, too.

The fairies had been formed by my own hands. There had been a purpose and a plan for each one. But this baby was a totally random combination of things. Even in his likeness to me, I could not even begin to guess what he’d be like, every day was something new. The mystery of his being was marvelous. The most fascinating thing I’d come across in my entire existence.

My conscious clear, I finally told Jing.

He thought I was telling a bad joke at first. I think, after 30 years of being married, he’d given up any idea of being a father. It was so lodged in his mind that it was impossible, he couldn’t think of any other reason for me to say those words than in jest.

Feeling a bit putout, I dropped the subject. The next day, I went to the Imperial Physicians and had them do a total checkup on me. I then spoke to the Head Eunuch, swearing him to secrecy, and arranged so that the Physicians would come in and make the announcement before the entire Imperial Court.

Would Jing dare suggest I was joking then?

It was a miracle Jing didn’t figure it out before the official announcement. Even though the Head Eunuch had promised not to say anything, he was absolutely giddy with excitement. He kept dropping hints the entire day to his Emperor about it.

The Imperial Court was for men only, by tradition, so technically I wasn’t allowed in there. Today I snuck in with the help of a few of the younger officials and hid in the corner. I couldn’t see my own wedding, but I had every intention of seeing my baby’s official announcement.

Right before Emperor Shu was about to dismiss the Court for the day, the Head Eunuch stepped forward.

“May his Imperial Majesty Live Forever!” He spoke out, loudly and projecting for everyone to hear. “This Lowly Servant announces the arrival of the Imperial Physicians to the Imperial Court. Guards, allow them entrance!”

Everyone, including Emperor Shu, was startled by the sudden interruption of their daily routine. Emperor Shu opened his mouth to ask what was going on, but stopped when his Head Eunuch suddenly turned and got on his hands and knees, bowing with his head to the floor towards the throne.

“This lowly one begs his Imperial Highness forgiveness. Emperor Shu, please listen carefully to the Imperial Physicians. They bring you serious matters that must be attended to immediately.”

Since Imperial Servants never spoke first unless for business or during emergencies, Emperor Shu and the officials could only think this to be an emergency. The tension was on everyone’s face as the Physicians walked in.

Physicians almost never went into the Imperial Court, so despite the good news they were bringing, they couldn’t help looking nervous. This naturally made the officials and Emperor even more worried. Exactly how bad was the news they were bringing?!

In my corner, I was doing everything I could not to laugh. Serves you right, Jing, for not believing your wife of 30 years when she gives you such good news!

Once they were before the Emperor, they naturally bowed deeply, wishing him a long life and fortune. As it was rude to speak without being commanded, they waited, bowed, for the Emperor’s permission.

Getting a bit impatient, Emperor Shu said with a little more harshness than intended: “Speak.”

The most experienced Physician stepped forward, head still bowed: “This Imperial Physician wishes to update your Imperial Highness on his wife’s health.”

Emperor Shu’s face blanched in fear. His Empress had only just gotten better and now this? Voice shaking, Emperor Shu commanded: “Whether good or bad, know this Emperor will not punish you. So tell this Emperor the truth, leave nothing out!”

“Of course, your Imperial Highness! This Physician wishes to inform you that we did a thorough examination of your Imperial Consort yesterday. We discovered the issue causing her chronic tiredness and recent fever. It started, though we can only estimate, about four months ago.”

“F-four months?” Emperor Shu’s mask was dropping and Jing’s face was popping out. “Well, don’t just stand there, tell me—this Emperor, is there a cure?”

“This Physician regrets to inform you there is no cure.”

“WHAT.” Jing stood straight up. It was a good thing he didn’t wear that stupid square crown, otherwise it would have flown right off his head. “What do you mean there’s no cure?! There must be! What am I paying you people for if there’s no cure?! I’ll fire every last one of you if you don’t heal my wife!!”

All the Physicians noted the threat. The Emperor had clearly said, not even two minutes ago, that telling the truth was repercussion free. Now they knew, when it concerned his wife, not to believe a word he said.

The Imperial Physician who’d been talking, cleared his throat and said with some amusement: “Pardon this Physician’s boldness, but Emperor Shu, there is no cure because no cure is needed. All you need is time.”

“Eh?” Jing looked at the Physician stupidly.

“Emperor Shu, we Imperial Physicians wish to be the first to congratulate your Imperial Highness on his upcoming fatherhood.”

All the Physicians bowed again, saying together: “Congratulations and good fortune to the Emperor and the Emperor’s firstborn! Long live the Emperor! Long live the Empress! Long live the Imperial child!”

The entire Imperial Court broke out into a mixture of cheers and excited conversation. Some even cried. No one expected this, not after 30 years. The Physicians found themselves surround and besieged with questions.

Jing just stood there, ramrod straight, his eyes widening so much that I wondered if they were going to fall out. Some court officials were attempting to congratulate him, but he was obviously ignoring them.

I snickered slightly, enjoying the show. The moment I did, I saw his head whip around and look exactly in the corner I was currently hiding. His eyes narrowed and his lips pressed together in a firm line.

Uh oh. I’ve been found! Did he have the ears of a dog too?! I hastily made a retreat.

Behind me I heard some shouts of surprise and glanced back. He hadn’t bothered officially dismissing everyone and just leapt off the throne dais, over everyone’s head, and straight for me.

I picked up my speed. If I got caught in the Imperial Court I’d never hear the end of it. Being the Empress didn’t mean I wasn’t allowed to get lectured, and Jing was unfortunately very good at lecturing.

If I could have gone full speed I’d have escaped. I’m more powerful then him, or I was, but my pregnancy severely crippled me. I’d gotten out of the Courtroom and into the hall before a wave of exhaustion hit me. I stumbled, feeling suddenly dizzy, and reached out a hand to lean on the wall.

To arms grabbed me from behind, steadying me. “Are you alright?”

“Oh, thank you. I’ll be fine in a moment. This happens sometimes now.” Jing moved to my side and suddenly lifted me up in a princess carry. “Woah!”

“So it wasn’t a joke.”

“You can’t still think—”

“No, no. The Physicians aren’t dumb enough to lie like that in front of everyone.” He paused, looking down at me. “You could have had them meet me in private…”

I pouted. “That’s what you get for not believing me the first time.”

“You—” He looked at me crossly for a moment and then laughed. “Oh never mind. I’m going to forgive you today because the news was good.”

“Are you happy?” I looked up at him, slightly nervous for a reason I couldn’t explain.

Jing leaned down and bumped my forehead with his own. “Of course, you silly woman. How could I not be? I had given up on the idea years ago. When you brought those traitors’ children into the Palace, I had assumed you’d given up too.”

He was walking with me in his arms, as if I was no heavier than a cat. Servants were glancing at us out of the corner of their eyes excitedly. News traveled fast in the Palace.

I leaned into his chest and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“For what? You can’t throw those children out now, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’ve grown fond of them.”

“Oh you.” I smacked him gently. “I meant for taking so long to give you a child.”

There was silence for a while and then, “Is that even something you had control of?”

I hesitated, unsure of how much to reveal. If I told him this child would kill me, I think he’d force me to abort it. Even if I disagreed, he’d make it happen through deceit. His love for me was one step away from an illness. Pushed in the wrong direction, it would consume and drive him mad.

Just like my brother.

What about me caused the men I loved to be slowly driven insane?

…

I can’t tell him.

I’m sorry Jing, I know this is cruel. I know it is, but I just can’t kill my own child. There are millions of humans, but there’s only ever been my brother and I. This will be the first time another one of us exists in this world. He is really a child after Xui, I can not allow him to die.

“I don’t have control over it, not really.” I finally admitted, feeling slightly guilty for the lie. I looked up, widening my eyes to look innocent. “Jing, this child is special. He’s… he’s a miracle. You know how often I’ve had miscarriages. Even I thought I couldn’t have children.”

“Then why are you apologizing?”

“..I don’t know… I guess I just felt bad since everyone wanted you to—”

“Hey now, none of that talk. If I could chose between you or a child, I’ll always chose you. And if I have to chose between you and the nation, I’ll chose you. Every time. So don’t listen to people who think you’re only worth is bearing children. You are so much more valuable than that. Understand?”

I gave a cramped smile at his assurances and nodded. It was a good idea not to tell him. He’d have definitely forced me to abort to save my life.

“Hm… you said he, do you know it’s a boy?”

“Oh, I do!” I felt my heart lighten at something that was true and wonderful. “It will definitely be a little boy, I’m sure he’ll look like you.”

He frowned, looking slightly disappointed. “I would have preferred a little girl who took after you though…”

I laughed, “Don’t let the officials hear you say that, you’ll make them cry.”

My pregnancy was not an easy one. I became weaker and weaker each passing day. I did my best to hide it, since Jing would get worried and might start suspecting something. Even so, I slept longer and tired easily.

Jing had me seeing Physicians every week, as preventative maintenance and general worry rather than for anything specific. The Physicians assured him my exhaustion was normal. If I’d been a regular human girl it would have been, but my tiredness was from being soul-weary.

All my fairy children began filtering back into the palace. Word had spread quickly among them that I was pregnant. And as the child grew, they noticed what I’d noted at the beginning: he was more like them than he was human.

They also noticed he was sucking me dry. That had made them unhappy. I called a meeting late one night. Jing would be deep in his sleep, and if any servants saw me, I’d just look like I was moon gazing. I went far out into the palace gardens, where my once tiny tree had been planted and now grown, to avoid even that chance.

They all clamored at me at once, furious that I’d made such a decision without consulting them. Their lives were on the line too. If we’d made the decision together, that was one thing, but I’d been selfish.

“Listen, listen to me!” I called out, trying to speak over their babble. “You won’t die. I promise, you won’t die!”

This got their attention.

“The baby is taking my power, isn’t he? I’ve been watching what he does with it. He’s generating his own power using mine as the catalyst. But his power and mine are similar. I could absorb his power back into myself if it came down to it. Do you understand? Our powers are compatible! I can transfer you over to him.”

“EH!!!!!!!!!!!!!” The shout of astonishment was almost deafening and it made me flinch.

I pointed to a fairy. It was my first creation. Alas, he was dumb as rocks because of it. His personality was very simple and highly obedient. I had used him as my Guinea Pig knowing he wouldn’t object.

“You didn’t even notice, but that fairy has already been transfered. Nothing about him has changed, right?”

All the fairies focused on their predecessor at once. He was poked, prodded, and asked endless questions. After they’d had thoroughly checked him out, they had to admit they couldn’t tell the difference.

“See? I will transfer each of you over, starting from the oldest. Unless, of course, you want to stay with me. But let me warn you, I have very little time left. Once this child is born, 20 years at the most.”

I looked at them, my eyes filling with tears and genuinely pleading, “Please stay with him, I beg you. He will live a long time, and if he goes to the mountain he may become immortal. But he’ll always be human too. If he’s got no guide, how will he remember his past? How will he remember his father and mother, this country? When even this great Empire turns to dirt, who will be there to mourn with him? If you’re not there in my place, the loneliness may kill him. He will die alone and empty. Please, please, don’t let him die alone!”

In the night, with only the moon and a glowing blooming tree as my witness, I knelt on the cool, dewing grass. My forehead touching the ground.

My fairy children surrounded me, little hands and bodies reaching out to hug and touch me. They would stay with him, they promised me. They would stay, even if he tried to run away or get rid of them. Until his very last breath, they would be there. Always comforting, always reminding, helping him retain his humanity and joy of life.

Each promise they made, meant I would die alone. I could feel the absence of the first one. Like an empty spot in the back of my mind that should be filled. When they were all gone, the gap would be huge, I knew.

But it was alright. From the beginning, I planned to give my little baby boy everything I had. He would lack for nothing, except for my own presence. Even that was alright, as long as he could live. Though perhaps he’d feel differently about my choices, I don’t know.

With promises made, the slow transfer of fairies began. Each fairy carried with it a power burden. The more intelligent and complex my creation, the heavier the burden. It’s why I’d decided to start with the older ones first. Their burden was light. When I was near my death, I’d give them all to him.

Even so, most of them were put into a deep sleep to prevent them taking too much power. I had a lot of fairies, and twenty some years was barely enough time to get them all transferred over. For them to wake up, he’d need to pour a certain amount of power into them to do it. So it was up to my unborn son to decide when and how, if ever.

I’d like to think he’d wake them all up eventually, but who knows? He’s not me. His possibilities and choices are endless. He’s not bound to the mountain and it’s fate like I am. He could give up his longevity if he was clever, and die a mortal man.

Well, maybe. His spirit is so like mine. I don’t know where humans go when they die, I’ve never seen it. Will that place accept a soul such as his? Or could he be accepted by the mountain instead?

As I said, endless possibilities.

By my ninth month, I was ready for this baby to be born. Even without him sapping all my power, I felt uncomfortable all the time. I was swollen, heavy, and he was constantly punching into my spine.

You little villain! How could you abuse your mother’s internal organs so much!

When the birth pains started, I was crying more from relief than pain. Finally, it’d be over! I could have my body back!

Jing passed back and forth in front of the door. The Physicians and Midwifes had a hard time keeping him out. I don’t know why he had to be outside. My blue-eyed children let their husbands in… which sometimes ended poorly. At least one husband walked away with broken fingers.

No, I take it back. It’s a good practice. Right now, as a contraction was gripping my body, I might actually try to break some fingers too.

The midwives tell me that, as far as first births go, mine was relatively fast and easy.

Is that so?

It’s a good thing I’m only doing this once then, phew!