《The Emperor's Concubine》Chapter 40: Why Did You Let Go?

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To the concubine's surprise, Theodore told her that he wouldn't be able to meet her for dinner and lunch the next day again. She worried about his stressful schedule that made him skip meals now, but he assured her that he was fine, and she didn't have any choice but to believe him. So, she tried to busy herself a bit.

Blanche spent her time in the kitchen that day and attempted to make a layered cake with cream filling. This recipe was loosely based on her mother's birthday present from seven years ago, so there were a lot of holes in her memory of the ingredients. She had to improvise, but the result was pleasing to the eye and mouth-watering, which only proved that she was more skilled at baking than at cooking.

The following day, Theodore had another announcement. “I have to tell you something after breakfast.”

Immediately after hearing this, Blanche stopped her movements and set down the apple piece that she had wanted to eat. A frown formed on her forehead as she met his gaze and made sure that he listened before speaking. “Theo, you know that I understand that you have to rule a country. I really won't blame you for not meeting me as often. I don't like not being able to see you, but I fully comprehend that you need to put Artias first. However, skipping meals for the third day in a row is only going to make you sick. You aren't helping the nation by putting yourself into an early grave.”

Her appeal caught the emperor by surprise. But his startled expression soon turned into a gentle smile. “So, you're worrying about me this much?”

“Of course, I am. You might be royalty, but that doesn't mean that your body doesn't need any nourishment.”

Her lover leaned his elbows on the table and rested his head on his hands. “Well, I can ease your worries by saying that I didn't intend on letting you eat alone today.”

Blanche relaxed for a moment before realizing that he had been talking about something else in that case. “What did you want to tell me then?”

Theodore's grin widened. He picked up an orange and took his time to peel it before eating some of it. He only responded when she opened her mouth to get him to reveal his secret. “Since I worked extremely hard for the last two days, I also finished a few of my duties for today. That means that I can stay with you until lunch. I thought that we could take a walk together.”

Blanche stared at him in silence for a couple of seconds before ecstasy overcame her. “Honestly? Even though you have so much to do?” She questioned that but was already beaming without awaiting his answer.

“As you said, I need to take a break sometimes too. I haven't been outside for more than a few minutes for weeks, and I long for some fresh air. Spending time with you is beneficial to my health as well, so this is a perfect opportunity.”

Going out on walks together had been one of their favorite activities before this year had begun to overwhelm him with a flood of duties. Theodore hadn't accompanied her since then, and the prospect of enjoying the nice breeze with him made her more than blissful.

Blanche could barely sit after hearing this and gulped down her food to finish breakfast sooner. Her lover grinned at her reaction before also clearing his plate.

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When they left the room, Blanche's steps were much lighter than previously. She had to refrain from grabbing Theodore's hand and pulling him to one of the side entrances since the guards were watching. But she followed her instinct as soon as they had rounded the corner. Stella and Owen probably had to hurry to not lose sight of them, but she couldn't bring herself to care.

Despite her eagerness, the emperor stopped and thus forced her to do the same. “Won't you change into a different attire before we go out today? Normally, you do that.”

She spun around and faced her lover while attempting to tug at his hand to signal him to move further. “I don't want to waste time doing that when we only have until noon. Besides, it's not that cold outside.”

He looked like he had to hold back a laugh at her impatience but complied.

The couple left the building through the nearest exit, and as she had always done, Blanche put an arm around Theodore's without thinking about it. As they walked along the tiled path, she quickly realized that she was doing the exact opposite from what she had intended to do though. She should use this chance to let go of Theodore before even more others saw them, but she didn't want to stop touching him. After so many weeks in which he only met her to eat, she finally had him for herself for a few hours and planned on enjoying those hours fully.

Besides, the inhabitants of the palace already knew about their romance. There was no way they hadn't understood by now. After all, Blanche had always initiated as much physical contact with her lover as possible. That the couple spent every bit of free time together, including having three meals a day by themselves, was pretty decisive evidence too.

Theodore had never pushed his lover away or refrained from being close to her when servants were present either, just as he had held her hand in front of a whole crowd consisting out of members of the staff a little over a week ago. He only focused on not letting members of noble society know about his affairs, so it should be alright if she did the same, right?

At balls or other events, Blanche could protect the empress' honor, but keeping a secret from someone who knew about already wouldn't raise her chances of survival. The concubine knew that she was searching for excuses here, but she refused to budge on that stance. In private, she wouldn't avoid Theodore.

She was content with her decision and leaned into her lover. This earned her a smile, which made her heart skip a beat. But her good mood was quickly ruined as they reached the terrace.

Gloria stood by the labyrinth's entrance and talked to somebody, who was hidden by the hedges.

Blanche didn't need to think twice to guess whom the head maid was attending. There was only one person that used the small fountain area inside the maze to sort their thoughts. The concubine stopped her movements and pulled Theodore backward. “How about we use the other path today? We could take a look at the roses for a change.”

Due to her barely non-existing strength, her lover didn't budge despite her efforts. He only faced her with a raised eyebrow. “Of course, we can. But what's wrong with the main path? It leads to the flowerbeds as well. Actually, it might even be shorter than the other one.” He made a vague gesture to the plants on the other side of the terrace.

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Walking this way would bring them even closer to the labyrinth than they were already. If they passed the terrace, Seraphina would definitely see them. They couldn't go there.

Blanche quickly refuted her lover's words. “Maybe. But I really want to visit a part of the garden where we aren't that often. Let's...” Her gaze trailed to the hedges, and she stopped trying to find an excuse mid-sentence.

Gloria was looking in their direction.

For a moment, Blanche still prayed that the head maid would stay quiet, but the other woman already turned around.

Seconds later, the empress stepped out of the maze. Judging by her direct stare towards the couple, there wasn't the slightest chance that she hadn't noticed them.

“Oh.” Theodore let out a noise of recognition as he spotted Seraphina as well. Now he understood why his lover had wanted to leave, but it was too late.

The empress approached the emperor without hesitation, which caused Blanche to unknowingly tighten her grip around his arms before she realized what she was doing.

The concubine couldn't cling to Theodore without the risk of evoking the heroine's deadly wrath. She had to be polite and curtsy instead of flaunting the fact that she had an affair with the other's husband. Despite her unwillingness, she forced herself to let go of Theodore and balled her fists at her side instead.

Her lover's gaze snapped to her, and he looked like he wanted to say something but refrained from doing that to address the people, who were about to reach them. “Good day. It's a beautiful day to be outside, isn't it?”

Seraphina's face had returned to the stone-like expression she always showed in public as she responded. “Indeed it is, Your Majesty. I hope you have been doing well these days.”

Theodore responded as politely as always. “As you know, there is a lot of work to done at this point in time. But otherwise, I cannot complain.”

The empress glanced at Blanche for a moment before looking back at her husband. “That is good to hear. We can only act with our nation's well-being in mind and await the end of the chaos that currently evokes this unusual amount of issues. Especially in these tiring times, it is of the uttermost importance that Your Majesty stays healthy.”

The cold tone of her voice made Blanche wonder how much the heroine truly hated her. Right now, it was quite obvious that the empress disliked her, which was odd in itself.

Seraphina always seemed to have full control over her emotions and exhibited nothing but flawless conduct, but when it came to the concubine, she reacted differently. Others might not have noticed the stark contrast, but the empress had been furious during the tea party, and she had allowed that to cloud her judgment. That meant that Seraphina was certainly more emotional than she always pretended to be, and still, she managed to hide that from almost everyone.

Though the tea party had been one of the rare occasions during which this had happened, it had branded itself into Blanche's mind, so she might pay more attention to this now.

Theodore replied without any especially strong emotions in his voice. “Thank you for your consideration. Naturally, I can only wish for your vigor to stay as strong as it is now in return.”

Seraphina remained silent at this as if she expected him to add something, but when nothing followed, she simply nodded. “Then I do not wish to interrupt Your Majesty's and Lady Blanche's free time. Please enjoy your walk and excuse my leave.”

Both Theodore and Gloria were taken aback by Seraphina ending the conversation so early. Normally, the concubine would have entered the interaction as well after being addressed by the empress, which was the exact reason why Seraphina wished to leave. This was the only way she could avoid talking to Blanche without being impolite in her husband's presence. Even though she was hiding it more carefully now, it seemed like she was still upset about the tea party.

Theodore looked like he considered delaying the goodbye a moment longer, but he quickly caught himself again and smiled at the heroine. “We won't hinder you from following your schedule. Goodbye.”

This small smile was enough to cause stinging in Blanche's chest, and she began to curse herself. Feeling hurt over these trivialities was idiotic. If she continued to be so sensitive, the future would crush her. She lived in a romance novel, which meant that the main characters would be very close in the future. The novel had held back with describing most of that in favor of focusing on the whole drama with politics and the war, for which Blanche was very grateful, but she knew that the romantic interactions would come anyway. And if a smile already caused her to be envious, how would her heart suffer when she witnessed their professions of love?

The concubine made a small curtsy to bid the empress farewell. Then her eyes stayed trained onto Seraphina's back until she and Gloria disappeared inside the palace.

When Blanche finally managed to tear herself away from her depressing visions of the future, she glanced at her lover, only to notice that he was staring at her. A part of her squeaked with joy at this. He was looking at her, not the heroine. Most likely, he was only pondering about the empress' hurried departure and tried to come up with a reason why she had run away. Nevertheless, Blanche was glad just to have his attention. As long as Theodore didn't avoid her gaze like he would in the novel, she was happy. But her lover's following sentence caught her off guard.

“Why did you let go?” Theodore seemed far too serious while saying that.

Her eyes widened at his question. She hadn't believed that he would take note of her distancing herself from him in Seraphina's presence. “What?” This was more of an attempt to stall for time than a question to make him repeat his words.

Theodore's frown deepened. His expression made it clear that this bothered him too much to drop the subject. “When we meet her in the past, you never let me go. On the contrary, you normally get even closer to me. So, why did you do it differently today?”

“That...” Blanche's voice trailed off as she tried to come up with an excuse, which only became harder under his unwavering gaze. “She is still your wife, you know? So, me clinging to you in front of her is a little...” She began but quickly realized that this reason didn't make much sense.

The emperor pointed out this error in her logic before she could find the words to justify her argument. “You never cared much about that before, so why would you worry now? Besides, she already is aware of our relationship. You are my lover. It doesn't matter if she sees us together.” It did, but he couldn't know that.

Blanche turned her head to the side to avoid his eyes as she struggled to give an explanation that would satisfy him. “Of course. But we don't have to remind her every time she sees us. I'm trying to become more considerate of others, which you even praised me for. It's especially because she knows about us that we don't need to attack her pride for no reason when we can prevent it.”

Theodore only stared at her for a moment. She already feared that he would insist on pressing the matter, but his expression slowly relaxed. “You're right. I was just a little surprised. Usually, I'm the one who pays attention to things like this. It's new that you focus on the empress' emotions that much. I'm not trying to say that this is bad. It's actually really good... But you don't always have to hold back to please others. She doesn't care about our relationship, as it should be. We are happy together, and that is the one thing that matters.” He extended his hand towards her and then continued. “Before we met them, you wanted to go see the roses, right? Let's go there.”

Blanche reclaimed her place at his side almost automatically, and they followed the path to their destination. This time, her lover intertwined their fingers, and it felt like his grip was a little tighter than it had been previously.

The couple spent their time in the garden and admired the colorful flowers and blooming trees until noon. The fresh air seemed to help Theodore relax for once. Thus, Blanche was overjoyed to be able to not only distract him from his suffocating workload but also to finally spend time with him in the process. Even if she met him for three meals each day, that wasn't enough. After the months in which he had been overwhelmed with duties, she had almost forgotten how much she longed for his presence whenever he left. Without him, she would always be lonely, no matter how many other kind people surrounded her.

That thought made a sigh escape her lips.

Theodore replied immediately. “Are you getting tired already? We haven't even circled the building yet.” His voice pulled her back into reality, and she looked up at his warm smile.

“I'm not tired. The one thing you don't have to worry about is me getting exhausted. I have so much free time that I don't know what to do with it. Though I recently started to bake and really enjoy doing that, so I'll continue to visit the kitchen when I'm bored.” She leaned against him and gazed at the roses in front of the bench they had taken a seat on.

Theodore tangled his fingers into her hair and caressed the back of her head as he replied. “I'm glad that you found something that's fun. In a while, I will hopefully be able to reduce your boredom, but right now...” His forced smile explained what he meant without him having to finish the sentence.

Blanche moved backward a little to make eye contact and made sure that he saw how serious she was. “You keep bringing that up. I already told you that you don't have to feel bad about prioritizing our country. It's only natural for you to do that. Artias is much more important than me.”

The emperor almost seemed to wince at her statement. “That's not...” He hesitated and had to rearrange the words in his mind. “You still have the most important role in my life. I just have to make sure that our nation stays peaceful and wealthy for now. I am responsible for all the citizens and can't simply neglect governing. I'm really grateful that I have such an understanding lover.” While he talked, his hand returned to her face, and he gently pushed a lock of her hair to the side before continuing to massage her scalp, which made her skin tingle.

She closed her eyes and hummed in bliss, which caused Theodore to laugh so quietly that it was barely audible. Instead of constantly worrying, she gave in and simply enjoyed his touch.

For a minute, they both were silent before her lover spoke again. “You still didn't tell me why you sighed earlier.” So, he had noticed how she tried to avoid answering him.

This was her first chance to relax at Theodore's side, and she already had to find excuses again. How unlucky she was.

Blanche bit the inner side of her cheek as her mind raced to find a logical reason for her dejected noises that wouldn't make him feel guilty for working instead of being with her. “I was only thinking about...” She recounted all of her recent memories when a conversation with her maid gave her the solution. “The sea.”

“The sea?” The tone of Theodore's voice proved that this reply had surprised him. He stopped stroking her hair before continuing when she opened her mouth to respond.

“Yes. Stella was at the northern coast during her vacation and gave me a vivid description of the ocean. I was curious before, but now I can't wait to see it for myself.” If she ever had the chance to do that, of course.

Thankfully, Theodore seemed to believe in her excuse. “That only adds another point on the list of things that we can look forward to during our summer vacation. The residence in Ibela is beautiful and the beach next to it even more so. I definitely want to see your reaction when you first lay your eyes on the sea. Since that part of Artias' coast is within a bay, the waves are mostly gentle with only a handful of rare exceptions when it's stormy. This means that we can bathe together. I could even teach you how to swim.”

That sounded too good to be true, and it just might be. The novel had covered the main characters' stay at the summer residence. During those months, Seraphina and Theodore had spent their first night together. They had sat together while drinking the tea the empress had personally prepared for her husband, and then things had just progressed until they ended up in the bed together. That was how romantic Seraphina had described it afterward at least. That event would mark the earliest one of the countless nights they would spend in the other's arms. Thankfully, that night was the only one that had been mentioned in the book, but that was already awful enough, especially since everything had gone downhill for the villainess from there on.

The original Blanche had been in the summer residence as well. The emperor had actively avoided her at that point while averting his gaze whenever they met on accident. Around that time, he had probably started to recognize that he was in love with the heroine. Obviously, the villainess had been more than hurt upon seeing that her lover didn't even look into her eyes anymore. She then had caused so many issues by initiating quarrels and sabotaging the spouses' vacation that she was sent back to the palace two weeks before they followed.

This marked the first occurrence in which Theodore had punished his concubine, which laid out the foundation for the ending. Naturally, it had also given the main characters even more time to bond.

By the last day of the travel, Blanche's fate of being abandoned had already been sealed. Thus, impatiently awaiting the vacation was truly foolish.

Still, Blanche replied while clinging to the last shreds of hope. “That would be nice.” A part of her wanted her lover to promise that he would be by her side when she saw the sea for the first time. She knew that she shouldn't force him to make oaths that he wouldn't be able to keep. Yet, she couldn't stop herself from asking him anyway. “I'm going to remind you of that when we're there, so don't forget it.” Blanche opened one of her eyes to observe his reaction.

Except for a genuine smile, she couldn't see anything on Theodore's expression when he replied. “I won't. How would I forget when I anticipate the summer as much as you do? Only one problem could keep me from staying in the beach residence, and that is the escalation of our current conflicts, especially the one with Northern Ocrea. Then I would have to return to the capital despite my unwillingness. But...” He paused and grimaced momentarily. “I don't want to dare our fate by talking about that much. We can only pray that no military confrontations will be necessary to protect our territories at the border.”

Of course the author had timed all the events so that they didn't interrupt each other. A war with Ocrea would break out but only over a month after the main characters came back from the coast. Then everything would be awful.

While the consequences for both nations would be disastrous, Blanche didn't have to worry about Theodore though. Just when the situation would seem so dire that the emperor considered joining his army on the battlefield, Seraphina would plan out a strategy that secured Artias' victory within weeks. This was one of the few things Blanche thanked the heroine for since it prevented Theodore from witnessing the terrors of war in person at that time.

Though that didn't protect or heal the countless dead, injured or traumatized soldiers and citizens nor had ending the war in the most violent way imaginable made Artias' connection with Northern Ocrea peaceful. But what was Blanche supposed to do about that when she barely knew anything about politics?

Every part of her wanted to push away that disheartening vision, so she complied. Instead of worrying, she attempted to ease her lover's worries. “I'm sure that you will be able to enjoy your vacation without any issues. We'll finally have two months for ourselves, and I intend to spend as many hours by your side as I can. I will learn to swim with your help, we can take walks at the beach or visit the city. We could even ride a horse... Or maybe not. That might be dangerous.”

A little chuckle by Theodore followed, which made her ignore the pleasant prickling feeling of his massage that had wandered down to her spine. She forced herself to open her eyes and was greeted by Theodore's smile. He was beaming so radiantly that he almost seemed to glow, which made her freeze in awe. Within seconds, all other thoughts had been wiped from her head and the only one that remained was how much she adored him.

She told him exactly this without hesitation. “I love you.”

He became stiff, probably since her sudden confession had startled him, but quickly processed what she had said and leaned forwards. His hands cupped the back of her head, and their lips met before she could react.

A tingling sensation spread from the place where they touched and rushed through Blanche's veins right into her heart, which beat so fast that it threatened to jump right out of her chest. She melted into the kiss and put her arms around her lover's torso to pull him as close as possible. His hands moved from her head to her back to tighten the embrace even more. Without thinking about the damned novel, they clung to each other as her mind was filled with pure euphoria.

This had to be what paradise felt like.

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