The buzz in the air surrounding the Autumn Formal was palpable, and as the date itself approached, Elsie began to hum with excitement. I was feeling anything but the electric energy that had made its way through all the girls on campus. I still hadn’t been home since my fight with Ryker and I didn’t plan to come around any time soon. Giovanni and Sarah tried to sit me down and explain his side of it, but honestly, I did not want to hear about it. I really just wanted to move on from the entire situation. You live and you learn.

I tried but could not manage to ignore the stinging pain in my throat any time his name was brought up in random conversation. I guess that is what I got for fucking someone and had nothing but mutual friends. I felt a little bad that they had spent more time with me than him in the passing days, but it wasn’t enough for me to approach him and try to hear him out. Elsie is still the only one that knows how intimate our relationship has gotten over the past few months and I planned to keep it that way to minimize the embarrassment of my mistake.

I wasn’t looking forward to any sort of social event, but with the look Elsie had given me when I had hinted at not going broke any sort of resistance I had had. Giovanni and Sarah had the same sort of enthusiasm as everyone else, and that was the more shocking moment than anything else. When Black had his winter and midsummer gala’s, Gio never seemed to want to go. He always put up a fight which always ended in defeat against his father. I was used to playing dress up being employed under the Company, but I never had to talk or pretend. I would just look pretty and stay in the shadows, making sure Giovanni did not end up doing anything dumb for the entire night.

This wouldn’t be the same. I would be expected to enjoy my friends’ company and try to seem like I was anything but what I am. My anxiety reached an all-time high when Elsie had dragged me to some of the nicer dress shops in the city, making me try on everything that she thought would remotely look good on me. I did not have the best taste in formalwear and usually just wore what Black had appointed for me but doing this on my own proved to be a challenge. Elsie came in clutch, rescuing me from the shame of not knowing what to pick out.

We had moved through all the racks and I only lightly brushed each one with the tips of my fingers. Most were elegant and beautiful, but some were entirely too strange and outdated. Elsie was having the time of her life moving through the thousands of gowns and released a squeal of happiness every time she found one worth trying on.

By the time we had bought our tents, Elsie gave a satisfied sigh and looked over at me.

“You’re going to be the hottest girl at the formal, Jay.” She mused.

“Only because you picked out a costume for me.” I groaned. “There’s barely any dress there. Leaves little to the imagination, Els.”

“You’ll look like starlight!” She giggled.

“Don’t remind me.”

It was true. She had chosen a midnight black dress that glittered faintly in the light. The only objection I had was how much skin it showed rather than covering up. She had seemed so pleased with her choice that I didn’t want to say no.

“So, how are things going between you and Rye?” She asked absentmindedly. “Have you talked to him yet?”

“No.” I sighed. “I don’t really want to talk to him right now.”

“Jay.” Her nostrils flared. “You can’t avoid him forever. You guys live together, and as much as I love you being with me all the time, I think Eddyson really wants our space back.”

“Wait. What?”

“Well, she brought it up this morning.” She swallowed hard. “But more than anything, I want things between you and Ryker to be civil again. I know he fucked up and that makes him the world’s biggest asshole, but you need to sort it out together.”

“I just can’t right now.” I admitted. “I don’t really feel feelings, Els. And the one time I allow myself to, it gets thrown back into my face. He knew. He knew from the start how I felt about everything and it was as simple as telling me the truth, and he still has not. I have no idea where I stand with him, and right now, I don’t think I want to know.”

Her eyes were sad but understanding. “I know. But it’s more than even you or I are aware of, or anyone for that matter. I’m just asking that you hear him out.”

“I can’t make any promises, but I’ll at least try. Just not today.”

With the Saturday game behind us, Elsie and I stood around our lockers mingling lightly with the other girls about the dance. Correction, Elsie was standing around mingling with the other girls while I stood next to her awkwardly. They were all gossiping about who asked who, and I really didn’t feel the need to be part of the conversation considering I didn’t even want to go. Elsie gushed about how Luke had asked her, even though I knew for a fact she was less than impressed by him. I didn’t want to kill her limelight by making that fact known; I guess she was just excited that someone had asked her at all.

When she finally wrapped up their conversation, she smiled at me as we exited the room, holding tightly onto her bags.

“Tomorrow night is going to be so fun!” She vibrated with anticipation.

I just wanted to get through it still breathing.

“I guess so.” I murmured.

Only making it halfway back to the dorms, Abraham and Luke stopped us and jogged to catch up, accompanied by two other guys we hadn’t met before. I admired their persistence, but it was only annoying at best.

“Hey.” Abraham smiled, but it wasn’t warm like I was used to, more forced.

“I didn’t know you knew any hot girls, Luke.” One of the strangers said, wrapping his arm tightly around Luke’s neck in a chokehold.

Ugh. Men.

“Oh. Um. I’m his date for the formal.” Elsie said shyly. “I’m Elsie Jackson. This is Jaylyn.”

I pursed my lips and gave a quick nod, studying Abe out of the group.

“Well, Elsie, Jaylyn…”

“Just Jay.” I gritted my teeth.

“You two want to join us tonight? There is a big party over in one of the frat houses. Everyone is going to be there.”

Abraham said nothing, Luke looked embarrassed, and the two annoying strangers were obviously already a little drunk. My temper flared a little knowing Abe said nothing about their obnoxious behavior but resisted the urge to lose it over something as trivial as this.

“Where’s the rest of your merry men, Abraham?” I tried to keep the sneer out of my voice.

Before he had a chance to answer, the crunch of footsteps behind me put my senses on high alert until the familiar smell of spice surrounded me and a lazy arm draped over my shoulders.

“Sorry, pardon the intrusion.” He didn’t bother to look down at me, and Giovanni and Sarah joined the parade. “What were you saying?”

The stranger spoke up, unaware of the sharpness in Ryker’s deep voice. “Just trying to see if these ladies wanted to come out and have a good time tonight with us, Davis. No need to get in your feelings about it.” He smirked.

I swallowed hard, hoping that Ryker would keep his anger in check.

Ryker, Giovanni, and Luke all responded in unison. “No.”

Overdramatic boys.

It was an awkward stand off as Elsie and I said nothing to counter their firm response, and the two strangers finally gave in. They joked around with Luke and Abe, trying to lessen the blow and Giovanni chuckled.

“So, about that party. Do you guys want to go?”

Sarah showed obvious enthusiasm and Elsie sighed. “Would be nice to let loose for a little bit. Jay?”

“Sure. I’ll go with you.” I was acutely aware that Ryker still had his arm wrapped around me and I tried my best not to cause a scene.

“Let’s gooooooo.” Giovanni chanted repeatedly.

“I still need to drop my stuff off at the apartment.” I said quietly.

“Alright.” Ryker answered.

I don’t think I was the only one to notice the way his arm kept me crushed to his side, and when I said nothing, neither did anyone else. But they were looking, staring. We took turns waiting for each other to drop off our belongings before we started the journey to whichever frat house was holding the biggest party on foot. The group was buzzing with laughter, besides Ryker and me. He had only let me go long enough to run upstairs, drop my bags, and then head back down. I still said nothing, but when I tried to pull away quietly, he held me in place for only another moment longer and then released me just inside the doorway of the pounding music and drunken undergraduates. The guys broke away from us to go grab drinks and Elsie, Sarah, and I were left standing by ourselves as the music got louder and so did the people around us. Elsie leaned in a had to yell into my ear for me to hear her.

“What the hell was that all about!?”

“I don’t know!”

“You need to talk to him!”

“Not right now!”

“He might want to explain!”

“I have no fucking clue what he wants!”

She gave me a look instead of trying to argue with me. I appreciated her swift defeat. I didn’t want to keep beating the dead horse while it was down. People were dancing all around us, grinding into each other as the music raged on. Everyone had a drink and I soon found one in my hand, courtesy of the jackass standing next to me that kept my nerves on edge with his Christmas smelling ass. I glared into the bottom of my cup, appreciating the fuzzy warmth the alcohol was providing, but fearing the courage it was swelling in the pit of my stomach.

“You’re a fucking dick, you know that?” I didn’t yell it, but I knew he had heard me with the way his back went ramrod straight.

“I want to talk to you about it.” He took a drink.

“I don’t want to talk to you about it.” I rolled my eyes.

“Are you coming back tonight?”

“Seems like I need to. I don’t want to overstay my welcome.”

“We can talk later then.”

“I don’t want to talk to you in general.”

“Then why are you?” He smirked.

“There is something fundamentally wrong with my brain.” I mused as I took a drink.

His grin faded. “No, there isn’t.”

“There has to be for me to wind up in a situation like this with someone like you.” I blinked away the growing buzz.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He seemed genuinely interested.

“Nothing. Not a goddamn thing.”

The conversation ended when I noticed Elsie waving me over. I didn’t say anything and walked away, joining her and Luke at the table where the keg was set up.

“You alright?” She asked.

“Yeah.”

“Looked like you needed a reason to walk away.”

“Yeah, thanks.” I took another drink.

“Want to dance?” She looked hopeful.

“Not really.”

She pouted and grabbed my hand anyways dragging me over where a large group of people were pressed up against one another, swaying their hips, laughing, and enjoying themselves. I allowed her to pull me forward into the sea of bodies and close my eyes. I could not recognize the song, but I let it, accompanied by my ever-close friend of whiskey to sway loose the rigidness of my body. The lightness of my head made it easy to get lost in the deep low tempo and relax.

I didn’t notice that the time passed by quickly and the buzz started to wear off. Elsie giggled in her drunkenness; her nose a bright pink. Luke rejoined us with a somber look on his face.

“Gio and Sarah are plastered.” He said over the music.

My annoyance was clear as day.

“Are you serious?” Elsie had a slight whine to her tone. “We can’t go anywhere with them. They’re like fucking children.”

My eyes widened at her language, unused to her swearing. “I’ll take care of it. We should head back anyways, especially if you don’t want a hangover tomorrow for the formal.”

Elsie agreed and I set out to find Giovanni and Sarah amidst the growing crowd. It wasn’t hard to find them; all I had to do was follow the trail of booze, shame, and embarrassment. This shit was getting old, fast. I was fed up with being the professional adult babysitter. When I finally found them, I stood with my hand crossed in front of my chest.

“Time to go, losers.”

Sarah whined something, but I couldn’t hear. Giovanni looked at me for a moment and decided that testing my temper was the last thing on his to-do list and got up, pulling Sarah up with him. When I got them to head for the door where Luke and Elsie were waiting for us, I noticed Ryker standing in an adjacent doorway towering over a girl. He had on his lazy smile, oozing with charm and I simply rolled my eyes.

I had to all but drag Sarah away from the music and push her forcefully towards the door, only offering a glare to Giovanni to get his ass in gear. Ryker noticed my attempt at getting them in order and walked away from his conquest, giving me a knowing look.

“Let me help.” He rumbled. “Looks like you have your hands full.”

“I’m fine.” I sucked air between my clenched teeth. “Barbie over there needs her Ken.”

“Jaylyn.” He tested the water.

“Ryker.” I challenged. “Wouldn’t want to interrupt the climax of you shoving your tongue down her throat.” I blame the alcohol. “Just go back to your make-out session. We’re all good here.”

He said nothing for a minute and then sighed. “Let’s go home, okay? No more fighting tonight.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.” He smirked as he helped Gio outside. “I wasn’t making out with her, by the way. I only have room for one psycho in my life.”

“Yeah, your fucking fiancé.” I couldn’t keep away the snarl at the thought of Emma.

I would feel worse for her if she wasn’t such an entitled bitch, but it was still wrong. Why the fuck does he do this to me? Of all the men that have come and gone, it had to be him to completely fuck me up. It didn’t take long to get everyone back to their perspective beds, and the walk home alone with Ryker was uneventful. I chose silence over everything I wanted to say. It didn’t matter how I felt, or how I knew I had been used. I was the outsider in this situation, and even though he was an ass, in Emma’s eyes, I was the culprit.

When we entered the apartment, I said nothing and only grabbed my bags headed for my room. Ryker watched up until I slammed my bedroom door closed and turned the lock. I searched for my bottle of whiskey under my bed and made peace with myself as I drank until I couldn’t feel anything. I would be alone tonight. And for that simple fact, I smiled.