《Shamrock Samurai》9 | ROB SWELLFELLOW
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The engine fired to life, and I slammed the door on the monster but not before it ripped away, tearing through my jacket and drawing blood. I cried out in pain as I peeled out of the parking lot, my tires answering the cry of the bird.
Even though we were putting distance between the monster and the Mustang, my senses alerted me that something supernatural was close by. “Can you see it?” I asked the little man.
He looked out the rear window. “Nah,” he said. “It’s flying West, the opposite direction.”
“You okay?” I said to the little man I’d rescued.
“I am now, that’s for sure,” said the man. He had a funny accent. He held out his hand.
“Sean O’Farrell,” I said, giving him a firm shake.
“Rob Swellfellow VII.” His hand was notably small, almost tiny. Auburn hair peeked out from under his cap and fell over the collar of his thick wool coat. He gave me a wide grin. “My friends call me Rob the Hob.”
His eyes darted to my shoulder, and he became very serious. “Oh no. You’re hurt.” He leaned close to me and examined my torn jacket, and the blood that was now running down my arm. “Oh this is bad.”
As he examined me, I studied him. The more I gazed at him the more alien he looked. He wasn’t a short person, he wasn’t even human to begin with. Had I escaped one monster only to invite another into my car?
His mouth stretched across his oval head from ear to ear, like a muppet. His eyes and nose were squished together in the center of his face. He had elf-like ears whose pointy tips drooped slightly like a dog. What struck me was that he didn’t smell homeless, which is to say he didn’t reek of garbage or a lack of bathing. Actually he smelled pretty nice. Reminded me of an old pipe-tobacco-smoking grandpa.
I could not let my guard down because of nostalgia. My abs tightened. I reached out with my senses and sure enough the something I detected was this creature sitting in my car, with only a center console and a stick shift between us. One week of peace and these monsters gang up on me during the same stinking night? Awesome.
Again I reached into myself trying to find that secret well of power, the Luck magic but it was allusive.
“What are you doing? Are you trying to access your magic again?” asked the creature.
I didn’t waste time with pleasantries. I jerked the car off to the side of the road and slammed on the brakes. Grabbing him by the collar, I pulled him close to my face. He let out a high-pitched cry.
“Try anything funny buddy and I’ll blow your pointy-eared head off.”
I meant to be threatening, but my demeanor completely changed when I realized that he floated in the air. On impulse I pulled my hand back and screamed. He stayed there, toppling like a NASA astronaut, and screamed too. After we both ran out of breath we kind of stared at each other, me sitting there grounded by gravity and him rotating upside down through the air above my passenger seat.
“You’re floating,” I said.
“You can see my ears?”
The sincerity of the question threw me off. “Well yeah. Can’t everyone?”
“You can see through my Glamour. But you’re just a human. That means you’ve been…”
“To the Otherside,” I finished.
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“Took a quick trip to Tir na nOg huh?
“Tear-na what?” I asked.
“The Otherside. You humans have many silly names for it. The Netherworld, the Underworld, the Otherworld, Neverland, Nevernever, Narnia. How did you end up there?”
“It’s a long story.”
“I’ve got all day. A whole lifetime even. I’m practically immortal.” He grabbed his feet, rocking back, like a toddler would. Except for the floating.
I furrowed my eyebrows and got back on the road, racking my brain how to even begin. A sharp whistling caught my ear. A sword had been thrust through the roof of my Black ‘69 Mustang Fastback. I’d inherited the car from my dad after he passed away. Not having the funds to fix it, I’d done my best to patch it with nature’s best; Gorilla Duct Tape. It sounded like I needed to apply more. That stuff’s not cheap! The car had never been in mint condition, but if Dad could see it now, he’d kill me.
I sighed and recounted the whole tale to him. Before I knew it I had driven back to my apartment on autopilot and we were parked under the night sky. “...and now I’m stuck with this Keening,” I concluded.
“It smells. Like death.”
I looked around realizing I was back at home. “Sorry, I spaced and brought you back to my place. I didn’t even ask where you wanted to go.”
He laughed. “I couldn’t go anywhere else even if I wanted to. You saved me back there. I owe you a life debt.”
I had to chuckle at that. “No, really,” I said. “Don’t be polite. Where do you want to go?”
Instead of answering, he got out of the car and motioned for me to follow until I stood next to him. “Pick me up and fling me as far as you can,” he said.
I glared at him.
“Watch what happens,” he wiggled his eyebrows.
I picked him up by the armpits. He was lighter than a gallon of milk.
“As hard as you can,” said Rob.
“Okay, I get it.” I flung him through the air. He flew some distance, then abruptly his body slowed down, and he was flung back towards me by some invisible force. He shot straight at me and I had to duck out of the way.
“Weeeeeeeeeee,” he yelled.
“Quiet,” I said. “Someone’s going to see you and have a heart attack.”
“You see Sean,” he explained as he orbited me. “You’re my master now and I’m your hob. Till death do us part.”
His stature, orange hair, and green cap reminded me of the first iteration of Link from the Legend of Zelda video game. Which in turn reminded me more of… “Ah, you’re a Leprechaun!”
Rob spat in disgust and flipped backwards through the air several times before bumping into my car. “Don’t call me that. I just told you what I was. I’m a Fae. A Hearth Hob to be exact.”
“Hearth Hob?”
“A Hobgoblin of the Hearth. The place where the family gathers around fires and mealtime. Problem is, modern homes don’t have hearths. So I’m forced to congregate around the alternate-reality looking glass.”
I frowned. “You mean flat screen television,” I said. I grabbed him by the coat and dragged him into my apartment before someone flipped and called the cops.
Smells of stale pizza and manly musk filled my nostrils. The small kitchen to my left had dirty dishes strewn about the countertop. The living room beyond the kitchen served as my makeshift room. Video games, DVDs, and articles of clothing were littered everywhere.
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Everything was as it should be.
“This place is a pigsty,” said Rob. He immediately began rummaging through my belongings.
I went back to the issue at hand. “So you’re stuck with me forever?”
“More like until you die. Which is pretty probable since I don’t age and you have a monster-attracting curse. Whichever comes first,” he shrugged. “I like your movies. Dawn of the Dead. That’s a good one. Oooo and Shaun of the Dead. Is that a sequel?”
“No,” I said, taking the DVD from him. “It’s a parody. And don’t touch these.”
He ignored me and kept right going through my stuff, humming to himself.
“So am I to expect any ole’ magical creatures to pop up in my life now that I have this Keening?”
“For certain,” said Rob. “But none of them as nice as me.”
“Tell me about it,” I said. “The last two tried to kill me.”
“And they’re not even the worst ones,” agreed Rob.
“So you’re like my animal companion? Like He-man’s battle cat? My Pikachu.”
“This is more like Mr. Campbell’s Meeting of the Magical Helper.”
“Mr. who?”
He ignored me. “Ghost Rider? Nicolas Cage isn’t that good of an actor.” He said as he held up the extended edition of the DVD depicting the skull-faced motorcyclist riding alongside a horseman, both inflamed.
“I’m a fan of the comics,” I said. “This isn’t going to work out. I already have a roommate. In fact, in this situation I’m the roommate. I split this apartment with someone else. It’s a sweet gig and I’ve only been here for a few months. I tried living by myself. Can’t afford it.”
“This isn’t a DVD,” he said, lifting a Blue Oyster Cult album off the floor.
“Hey, I was looking for that,” I said. “There’s no room for a third person here.”
The hob turned to me. “You know, I love cleaning. It’s one of my favorite things in the whole world. I’ll fix this place up for you. How can your roommate say no to that?”
I opened my mouth, but had no objection.
“Plus,” he continued, “He doesn’t need to know I’m a hob.”
“Can you turn invisible? Because that’s the only way that would work.”
Rob shook his head. “Even better.” In a wink he had turned into a orange tabby cat.
“Amazing,” I said. “But still won’t work. He hates cats.”
“Salmon then?” said Rob, transforming and flopping on the ground like a stupid Magikarp.
I face palmed. “This is ridiculous!”
“How about a barn owl? Those are the only three forms I can take.”
“Fine!” I said. “Garfield it is. If you’re going to earn your keep you might as well start with the dishes.”
I moved my shoulder the wrong way, reminding me I had a wound to clean. I took off my jacket and T-shirt. The shirt was ruined so I tossed it. The jacket was one of my favorites and it pissed me off that it was damaged. It would still be wearable if I washed the blood off and patched up the holes.
Rob-cat followed me and rested on the floor at the bathroom door.
“What are you doing? I told you to do the dishes,” I said.
“Oh you meant now?” said Rob. “Aye aye captain,” purred the cat.
The bathroom mirror showed me the bleeding had stopped. “The cut is not as deep as I thought it would be,” I said to my reflection. But it was still bad. Stitches weren’t necessary, but I was cutting it close, no pun intended.
The gauze lay underneath the bathroom sink. I went to work washing the cut with a gentle touch and a damp rag. It stung a lot, but it stung even more when I washed it out with alcohol. Normal birds carry deadly diseases. I could only imagine what a demonic monster bird carried. I absorbed the stinging from the alcohol, which assured me I wouldn’t contract anything nasty.
I applied gauze with some medical tape, but that wasn’t enough. I also had my big ole’ roll of gorilla duct tape. Since the cut was on my shoulder, I ripped off a strip big enough to go from the front side of my armpit over my shoulder to the backside. That would hold the gauze in place while I slept.
But I couldn’t sleep yet. What was that monster? I needed to ask Rob.
The kitchen was totally quiet and totally clean. “Impressive,” I said. “The little guy is efficient.”
There was also light spilling out of my roommate’s room and his door was open. Whenever he left he had a habit of shutting his door. Eddy was a weird guy. We’d been good friends for a while but he was particular about his things.
The hob sat in front of Eddy’s small flat screen monitor with headphones on. His back was to me. He was holding an old PS3 controller, and he was attempting to play a video game, except for he was scrolling endlessly in the PS3 settings menu. At his side was a bowl and a spoon.
“Where’d you get the ice cream?” I asked. “I didn’t think we had any.”
“It’s salty ice cream,” he smiled, taking a big spoonful.
I leaned over and sniffed it and grimaced. “This is mayonnaise.”
He got fed up with the video game, grunted in frustration, and lobbed the controller over his shoulder.
“Careful!” I said, catching the controller. “This is Eddy’s stuff and he’s super particular about people using his things.”
“Please show me how to play,” begged Rob. “Pretty please. I’ve always wanted to play video games.”
“Tell me about the bird-demon,” I countered.
He held out his hand for the controller. “Set the game up for me.”
Grunting I opened up the games menu and went to Eddy’s downloaded content. I knew he had a bunch of PS1 games loaded.
“Ooo,” pointed Rob. “Let’s play that purple lizard game.”
“He’s called Spyro,” I said. “Now tell me about the bird monster.”
“First off it’s called a Sluagh.”
“Like coleslaw?” I repeated.
“Yes Sean,” said the hob as he burned sheep in the game with his fire breath. “Hahahaha. What fun!”
“Okay focus,” I said. “What’s a Sluagh?”
He grunted, attempting to fly the dragon in the game but kept failing.
“You have to tap the button repeatedly,” I showed him.
“Got it,” he said grinning. His eyes were glued to the screen, wide with excitement.
I exhaled through my nose. “I could just order you to clean more of the apartment and look up this Sluagh thing myself on the internet.”
“Don’t bother,” he said. “For one, it wouldn’t be a punishment. I’d enjoy it. And two, the internet is crap when it comes to mythological accuracy.”
No surprise there.
“There’s really not a lot to the Sluagh. It’s a vicious creature that likes to capture humans. Sometimes they eat them.”
My eyes widened and glazed over until I refocused them back on him. “How would I find it again?”
“It always flies West after an attack. So if you waited somewhere West you’d catch ‘em.”
The attack happened in downtown Vallejo which was west. “When the Sluagh flew away from us was it flying dead West or more North or South?”
The Napa River served as Vallejo’s water front and ran southwest until it joined up with the Bay, the same body of water that passed under the Golden Gate in San Francisco. But Northwest was upriver. The Napa River ran alongside a massive patch of wetland marsh that stretched for miles. It was as big as the entire city of Vallejo. Much of it was off limits to the general public. For one you’d need a boat to traverse it. But it was also a protected wildlife zone.
Rob shrugged. “More Northwest I suppose.”
“Of course,” I said. “A bird that big could easily go undetected out there.”
“Well it only comes out at night. Being a creature of Chaos and all,” said Rob.
My fists clenched of their own volition. “So I’ll have to suit up and bring it down tomorrow. Thanks Rob.” I sighed with relief. I had a whole day to get ready. All I needed was a good night’s sleep.
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