I got up a little after John left for work. He wakes up so early sometimes. I wish he had said goodbye. Maybe he did, but I was, like, too busy sleeping. I got up and teleported over to the kitchen. John had cleaned up after himself. For a guy, he was pretty good at this. The apartment was always kind of spooky when John was gone. Just cold and dark. Almost like it was haunted. Like, haunted by someone else, ya know? I didn't feel like watching TV or movies or anything. I could do more sign language practice, but that also seemed so boring. I had been practicing a lot lately and even discovered people online I could chat with. Is chat the right word? I mean. I guess it would be. People say chat when they, like, type at one another, so talking in sign language via video probably could be called chatting. I thought.

I stretched out, feeling my back pop in several places. It felt so good. Ghosts still get kinks sometimes. I turned on some lights in the apartment and basked in the less gloomy atmosphere. John's sense of design is so . . . Like, nonexistent. He really needs to add some color to this place. As opposed to white on white on white. Maybe he could put up some paintings! A nice bouquet of flowers! A nicer couch. Maybe we could go back to the casino and get more money and, like, do a whole redecoration! My phone beeped from across the room and I remembered that I'd totally forgotten to check it this morning. My little Jizzle always checked his as basically the first thing he did every morning. But he was constantly scrolling through something. Reddit, Twitter, Tumblr. He'd shown me some of those sites but I didn't really get the appeal. Like, people always seemed so mean to them all the time. But I did find lots of pictures and jokes. I disappeared and reappeared in front of my phone. John asked me how I did that and I didn't know what to tell him. I just could do it. If I wanted to be at a place, as long as I could picture it clearly, I could be there. It was just like picking things up or going invisible or changing my clothes. I wanted to so it happened. It's like the Secret or something. But faster.

I picked up the phone and looked through my notifications.

Messages

Kare-Bear

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💖 Jizzle 💖

You: [Attachment].jpg

John hadn't sent me anything today. He didn't really ever respond to my messages. I know that he saw them because the phone had a little 'Seen' notification. He'd occasionally send me a joke from one of those other websites he went to so much. I have no idea how he could go through life with the ability to constantly stay in touch with everyone and use it just for jokes and avoiding talking to anyone. I tapped the message from Karen and looked at it, then typed out a response.

Kare-Bear

K: GN!

You: Nitey nite! Miss ya already!

K:

You: Bored. :(

K: Same. Wanna hang?

You: OMG! YES! PLESE!

K: Lit. Get dat body of urs ready. Were goin out n I wanna see it.

We hadn't really hung out without John before. This is going to be so much fun! Oh! I can do my makeup and see people and, like, everything. People will see me! I'll be able to hug Kare-Bear without her freezing to death! I jumped up and was in the bedroom in the next instant. I looked down at the lifeless body on the bed. My body. I had plugged it in so that we could keep it warm and so that poor widdle Jizzy wouldn't freeze to death. He could be such a crybaby, sometimes. She was naked. I was naked. Both of me were naked. I hefted her up and struggled for a moment. I managed to get her to the bathroom and got the instruction manuals out. There were cleaning instructions. I can't believe it took me a week to get John to use her. He's got such weird hang-ups. Especially with the weird cartoons he watches. I went through the process of cleaning her out. It was pretty weird and complicated, but I definitely didn't want his stuff to ferment or anything. After that, I sprayed some of the perfume that John had bought me on her and got her dressed. It was actually easier to brush out the wig in the third person than it was in first, which was odd. I watched the floating brush in the mirror pass through her hair. My hair. John's right about that, this is pretty weird. Seeing me outside of me.

I stepped inside the body. It was always a little bit of a struggle. Like, passing through walls and people and stuff is difficult. They don't want to be walked through. Ever. I can do it, but I have to focus to do it. Unless I'm tired. Then it's easier for some reason. But that hasn't been an issue as much since I moved in with Johnny-poo. He wasn't the same as Kare-Bear either. Touching him always makes me feel more solid. Touching her is just like touching anything else. Just there. Mostly. When I was inside of her . . . Of me . . . finally, I opened her eyes. The eyelids were so heavy and sluggish. Everything was so much weightier in the body. It was also so weird having a body that mostly fit mine but was bigger in some places. It felt like my butt was sticking out and that I had stuffed my bra with melons.

I leaned forward and felt gravity pull at my chest and felt the bulbous chest shift as I did. They didn't quite feel like real boobs, regardless of what that ridiculous video said. But they were close enough, I guess. John seemed to really like them. He was such a guy sometimes. But there are times when I really like that about him. Last night was totally awesome. I thought to myself, applying a primer to myself. I finished that pretty quickly and went on next to a foundation, carefully applying that to blend that well with my skin. It kind of paled me out and covered the little freckles they had installed on my new face. Haha. New face. They could have used this idea for Face/Off instead. I could be the new Nick Cage! Or John Travolta. Lona, living doll, now starring in Face/Off 2: Robot . . . Sex Object . . . Okay. Like, I'm not a writer. I continued to blend the foundation and started my setting powder. This requires me to sit still for a few minutes, so I popped out of the doll and sat her there, and started braiding my hair waiting for it to set properly. This is fun. It's like I'm my own sleepover buddy. I thought. I felt a pang in my chest at that thought. I love John, but Gods, I wish I had other friends. John and Karen are wonderful, but going from so many friends to no one to two is so hard. With a sigh, I stepped back into the doll and started on setting spray and contouring my cheeks, making me look sharper in general. Then I did my lips up with a glossy lipstick and eyeliner and mascara. Honestly, it looked a little overdone, because of the nude makeup style already applied to the doll. I wonder if there's something that I can do about that.

I got a text from Karen, saying she was outside and that she couldn't get in because there's a lock on the door. John had told me where the spare was. I stood up and wobbled a little bit. The doll has these bolts in the bottom of the feet that are supposed to help her stand without assistance, but they were so totally difficult to get used to. I took a few steps with my heavy body and sighed. I couldn't stay out long like this. It was just a lot of work. But I needed to get out of here. I had basically been cooped up for months! How John could live like this, I'll never understand. I walked down, grabbed the key, and put on a coat John had gotten me. I wouldn't get cold, but it was winter out and I didn't want anyone to notice me. I put on sunglasses to hide my eyes and practiced my smile on the reflective surface of the toaster. It didn't look natural. It reminded me of the first time that I tried to smile on stage when I was so nervous all I felt like doing was throwing up. I did throw up right after I got off the stage. I played the Little Mermaid. I was only chosen because of my red hair. But that's okay. It was super fun and I got on the stage whenever I could. Even got a scholarship for college because of my acting.

I struggled to get down the stairs, but the banisters helped me a lot. I wonder if I'm ever going to be able to run again. I love running. And dancing. And doing flips. And now I can't do any of that. Well, not when I'm like this. I saw Karen leaning against her car door checking her phone in a full parka and hood with her sunglasses on. She had these giant gloves over her hands and she was still shivering somehow. The glare of the sun blanked out my vision for a moment. Seeing through the doll was weird. I could use her eyes and even kind of move them a little bit. Or it seemed like I could, but sometimes light caused glare on the weird glass they used and I was blinded. I lifted up my hand as I shambled over to her and smiled, holding out my arms for a hug. “Kare-Bear!”

Karen looked up and took me in for a moment before frowning. She reached up and flicked me on the nose. “No! I'm not Kare-bear.”

She walked around me and I felt her eyes on my body. It was so nice to be seen again. It felt almost as good as when I found out John could see me the first time. I was so excited. My heart pounded. Then it turns out he's actually a good guy, too! I'm so lucky. I felt Karen's hand grab my ass and I squeaked and jumped and almost fell over. She grabbed me and held me upright, then started pinching my skin. Again, it was super weird. I could feel the flesh of the doll tighten and I could even feel the pinch itself, but it seemed distant. Like my arm was asleep. I turned to her and threw my arms around her and squeezed her tight. I could hug her before, but she always shirked away. She froze for a moment and then slowly wrapped her arms around me. I pressed my head into hers and nuzzled lightly. She giggled and then pushed me away, staring wide-eyed at me. “You're . . . you're fucking warm! How'd you manage that?”

“Oh, the doll's, like, got a heater and I was using it.”

“You got the doll with the heater, huh?” Karen said, knowingly. She always wore this cute smirk when she used that voice. Any guy . . . or girl, I suppose, would be so lucky to see that every day. I pinched her cute, button nose and grinned at her.

“Yeah, John thinks it will help me blend in. He doesn't want someone close to me realizing I'm as cold as, like, a corpse or whatever.” I said smiling.

“Uh-huh. I'm sure that's the reason,” she said, keeping that smile. “So, did ya try it out? Have ya used the thing?”

I smiled and shrugged. John was shy about these things, but I wanted to spill the beans right away. But he always got so embarrassed about these things. It was just sex. No big deal.

“If I spent twelve grand on a sex doll, I'd be using it immediately. That's so much fucking money,” she continued.

“Yeah,” I leaned in and whispered. “We did it. It took so long to convince him to go for it.”

“Oh? How was it?” She leaned in just as much. “Spare no details. Well, spare me the details about him. Is it better or worse than doing it Ghostie Style?”

I laughed at her title for it and grabbed her arm, pushing her towards the car. “Let's get in. You're freezing and I'm getting tired. I'll tell you on the way.”

She grinned and helped me into the passenger seat. I managed to get the seat belt going myself. When she was in the car, I turned to her and said, “It's weird. I can totally feel things, but, like, everything is a little more distant. Like, I feel a strong echo of everything that is happening. The longer that I spend in the doll, the more I can feel, though. Like I'm attuning to it.”

“So, which is better?” She asked, putting the car into drive and going. She drove more carefully than John did, thankfully. He was impatient and always wanted to get somewhere. I smiled, watching her, considering my answer.

“I don't know. I liked both. I came both times. They're just different. Like using a toy to accomplish what we can do normally anyway.” Karen nodded, slowly, taking in my words. “How's Sarah?”

“Oh,” Karen began, shifting in her seat some. She stared out the window. “She's good.”

“Anything else?” I asked, frowning.

“She's . . . A little scared. A little jealous.” Karen said vaguely.

“Jealous? Of what?”

“You,” Karen said, looking forward.

“Why would she be jealous of me?”

“Well, it's kind of like how we met. I was dating someone when I started talking to Jessica and she was just so much fun to be around. That relationship was basically over when I started taking her out.” Karen said quickly. “So . . . she's wondering if I've found another upgrade, ya know?”

I laughed. “But we're just friends. I'm not going to do anything.”

“Yeah, but all the experiments and time I was spending with you.”

“Did you tell her about John?”

“Yeah, that was a comfort to her,” Karen said, shrugging. “But you know how it goes. You get something in your head and it's hard to push out.”

I nodded slowly. I got the feeling that Karen didn't want to talk about this, so I changed the subject. “So, what do you want to do today?”

“Go shopping. Maybe we could see a movie or something.”

“Great! I want some more clothes now that I'm all corporeal again.”

“Yeah, the doll is a trip. How's it feel?”

“Kind of like I'm wearing a super heavy bodysuit,” I responded, moving around a little bit.

“It didn't feel that heavy when we hugged.”

“I think it's, like, because I've spent twenty years not having to lug around this much and now I'm out of shape.”

“Oh,” Karen said, thoughtfully. “Yeah, I guess that'd make sense.”

She drove off and we arrived at a mall. I walked more slowly than she did, still getting accustomed to the legs. The knees felt wrong and the feet didn't really have the support of real feet. We went to a shoe store first and started trying on different ones. The woman behind the counter looked at us for a moment then went back to leaning on the counter over a magazine. But she looked directly at me! I existed to her. I sighed in relief and Karen looked over at me, raising an eyebrow. “What's up?

“Oh, nothing. Just . . . The cashier. She saw me. It's nice to have people see me again.” I said, stretching the doll's lips into a small smile. My lips. They felt more and more like they were mine all the time.

We tried on several different types of shoes. Open-toed, flats, heels. I needed a lot of help with this process. For being a doll specifically made for sex, like, I wasn't all that limber. Weird, right? Karen bent over my leg and lifted my foot and looked at it. I had painted the nails previously a bright pink. She spent a moment staring at it and then comparing it to her own foot. After a moment she did the same with our hands. “Your body is fucking weird, girl.”

“How so?”

“Your fingers just feel weird. I can totally see how they work, but you can also tell they're fake, too.” Karen said, running her fingers over mine. The flesh compressed down onto the metallic joints. She was right. They didn't feel like fingers because there were no bones, just the bare, fairly thin metal frame.

After a while, Karen wandered off to find other shoes and I struggled to get another pair off so that I could try on another pair. The cashier came around and smiled at me. “Hey there, you finding everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything's going great,” I responded immediately. She narrowed her eyes at me and my eyes widened and I started signing frantically. She stared at me in confusion and I lifted one finger and took out my phone and typed out a response then showed her my phone.

Sorry! I'm mute. I can hear you but I can't really talk back. I've found everything. Just struggling a little with getting them on and off a little.

The woman read the message and nodded her head, her ponytail bouncing. “I can help you if you like.”

I nodded to her and she bent down and grabbed my leg. Fortunately, I was wearing jeans so she couldn't feel my skin which was a little weird. She struggled to get the shoe off and fell down on her butt when it finally came loose. She held the shoe and glanced up and then her eyes widened. I followed her gaze. She was staring at my foot. My foot that had the bolt stapled into it. She looked up at me like I was a monster. Well, I guess I could be a Frankenstein. Just electrocute my feet. I pictured John standing over my body in a lab-coat, screaming to the storming sky “She's alive! ALIVE!”

I smiled softly and reached for my phone and typed out a short explanation.

I was in an accident and now I need those to walk. Didn't mean to spook you. Sorry.

“It's no problem,” the woman said, smiling a little stiffly. Karen came back with a few pairs of shoes and we tried on different pairs for a while, finally making decisions. It was only then that I realized that I didn't actually have any money. Karen paid without a second thought. I tried to refuse but she wouldn't have any of it.

“Like, Kare, I can't accept these,” I said, gesturing to the shoes.

“Loans,” Karen responded, swiping her card through the machine. “It's no biggie, girl. You are just . . .” She froze for a moment, looking at the cashier then changed what she was going to say. “You're back up on your feet and you need new shoes to celebrate. Your boy toy can buy you some other stuff, but these are my gift to you.”

We went to a clothes shop next and started picking out different things to try on. My new hands were hard to use and didn't always grip things properly. They were clumsy and didn't have the grip I was used to, so sometimes I would have to cheat. I would leave my body standing there and rush through stacks of clothes and racks of dresses and tops. When I had decided on what I wanted to try on, I flew back to my body, only to realize that there was a woman and her kid standing near me and was trying to work around me. The lady poked my hand and I leaned forward.

“Oh, it's some kind of doll. What in the heavens is it doing in the middle of the store? Is it a mannequin? Darn kids, always moving stuff.” The older woman tsked. She grabbed me . . . The other me and moved me out from in front of the rack. I gaped and jumped into my body. It shuddered as I reclaimed my control over it. I straightened and turned my head to her. The woman and her kid jumped and screamed, backing away several steps. Karen practically fell over laughing. She eventually caught her breath, leaning on me lightly.

“S-sorry. My f-friend is . . . Mute and gets distracted sometimes.” She managed, still chuckling to herself. The woman took her kid and rushed away and Karen wrapped an arm around me, laughing again. “Loans, you gotta do that again. I wonder how many people we can get.”

I wasn't as sure about this idea, but it could be fun. I would sit the doll in the most uncomfortable position I could manage on the bench and people would sit next to me, watching me in their periphery. When they finally relaxed around me I would jump up. Several people jumped when I did and dropped their stuff over the floor. Karen laughed and even managed to catch it on video sometimes. She thought it was a blast. It was fun getting to spook people with a real body. I used to occasionally do it in my hometown, but that was mostly because it was all I had. Now that I had friends again, I felt it was a little unfair. A little mean.

After a while Karen and I got bored and we decided to get to the theater. We couldn't decide on a movie. She wanted to see some superhero movie. I didn't know that superheroes had become so popular. Maybe John is the average level of dork now. I wanted to see a romance movie. Karen won out because she was paying for the tickets. It was loud and dumb and there was lots of computer graphics. I didn't understand anything and it was making a bunch of references to other things. I also must've fallen asleep at some point, because Karen shook me awake at the end of the movie. We were the last ones in the theater.

“Hey, sleepy. Did you know you snore?” Karen said, grinning.

“I do not!” I retorted. “Why would a ghost snore? Also, I am a lady. Ladies don't snore.”

“Bullshit. My girlfriend sounds like a fucking band-saw.” She retorted. “And you sound like you're grinding gravel.”

I stood up shakily and glared at her. “I don't snore! You and John both!”

“Whatever you say, Loans.” She responded. We walked out of the theater and she broke off. “Gotta use the bathroom. Had three refills and I'm about to explode.”

I stood there and waited for her. My body felt heavier than ever. I closed my eyes. Then I felt my artificial knees give out from under me and I crashed to the ground. The last thing I remember was Karen yelling my name.