Chapter 41 – The Secret Garden – Holly Hayfield

At some point while talking to Vivian Hale I forgot my original purpose. It was easy to truly think of myself as a professional psychiatric official when I was genuinely trying to get an insight into Ms. Logan’s mind and history. This came on the heels of spending time counseling Ms. Logan in her own classroom. Vivian Hale didn’t know that my contact with Ms. Logan was so intimate. This woman didn’t know that she was helping me solve a puzzle in the darkness.

“Thank you for everything you’ve said.” I told Vivian over the phone. “Thanks to you I might be able to actually do something to help your former friend.”

“Heh, well I’m glad I could actually be of service for once.” She said.

“I’m hoping for the best. With any luck she’ll be able to find peace. I hope you find peace as well.”

Vivian laughed.

“The only people that find peace are the dead. Good luck.”

With that grim message she hung up the phone. Lilith popped out of my lap and spun around excited. She slammed into me with a hug so hard that I dropped her phone beside me on the bed. This was a surprise, but a welcome one. I hugged her back for a moment. She kissed my cheek and pulled away.

“You did it! I knew you could do it! You’re such a great liar!” She said joyfully.

“Uhh… Thanks… I don’t exactly take pride in that.”

“It sounded to me like Vivian Hale said that Ms. Logan knows where Malorie’s body is. We were saying that it was possible that Ms. Logan was the one maintaining Malorie’s corpse. Now we know for a fact.” Lilith said.

“Do we?” I asked. “If it is her then how are we supposed to get the location of the basement stairway out of her?”

Lilith poked her boney index finger against my chest, just above where my heart was.

“You’re going to use this heart of yours. You just need to ‘counsel’ her like before. She’ll open up to you eventually. When she finally does, you’ll be able to get the information out of her.”

Lilith was saying some nasty things for such a cute girl. Dangerous things often came in small packages. She wasn’t saying it outright, but she wanted me to perform more emotional manipulation. It was hard on me because I didn’t like toying with people. Ms. Logan legitimately needed help. The small amount of help I gave her before just wouldn’t suffice if she was ever going to recover.

“Alright,” I said, “We can’t afford to be too direct about this. If I pull on her too much she may come crashing down. I don’t want to sacrifice what remains of Ms. Logan’s sanity to do this.”

“Pfft,” Lilith said carelessly, “She’s a means to an end, nothing more.”

I put my arms around Lilith and pulled her back into my hold. She didn’t resist, probably because she was still grateful for my help.

“It frightens me to hear you say that. Am I a means to an end also?” I asked her.

Lilith turned her head a quarter of the way so she could look back at me.

“You’re far more than that.” She said with a smile, “You’re my greatest asset.”

I had a lot of time to think about that response over the weekend. The rest of the weekend went on uneventfully after Lilith’s curiosity and sleuthing desires were satiated with that call. She was more agreeable than ever after we made that phone call. There was a slight pang of guilt on my mind for having used a stranger like that, but I didn’t regret it. It was thanks to the call that my position with Lilith was permanently solidified. Now I just needed for her to see me as something more than an asset.

We returned to school the following Monday feeling revitalized. Lilith was happy to have more information on Malorie. I was happy to have someone I could hold the same way I used to hold Ellie. For the first time in months I was beginning to feel complete. I was beginning to feel relief from the pains of my past. I was beginning to feel like I could finally start to heal. This was the sort of personal connection I needed to move on from Ellie and Opal.

Lilith told Val and the others exactly what we managed to accomplish. Val didn’t even question the fact that Lilith had visited my house over the weekend. Rather, she was just as excited as Lilith to have this new information. She, like Lilith, insisted that I continue my pursuit of Ms. Logan’s so-called counseling. Neither of them cared how Ms. Logan came out of it so as long as they had their answers. While I understood where they were coming from, I couldn’t agree with it.

If I was going to be counseling her then I was going to do my damn best at it. What if I really could end Ms. Logan’s suffering once and for all? What if Ms. Logan could finally move on after being stuck in the loop since she lost Malorie back in high school? That sort of feeling of emotional catharsis and personal growth was exactly what I had been searching for after Ellie. What if I could give it to this tortured soul for free?

During the final period that Monday I once again asked for permission to step out on study hall. This was becoming the official time I used to help out Ms. Logan. Ms. Logan didn’t have a study hall class so she was always available at this time. When I came in offering to help her she didn’t ask me for my help with cleaning or grading. She just wanted to talk.

Boy, did she want to talk. She would talk about anything and everything. I was happy to listen after seeing how happy she was when she had someone that would listen. Mostly she talked about her cats, going as far as showing me their pictures on her phone. This was when things went from casual and friendly to demented and horrifying. The living conditions at her house weren’t good for animals, let alone a human.

From what I could make out in the images, her home situation was as bad as her school situation often got. She desperately needed cleaning done inside her house. There was so much cluster, garbage, and clothing everywhere on the floor that the actual carpet couldn’t be made out. The health conditions of her pets varied from cat to cat, but generally they looked underfed. The older cats were slightly better off while the younger cats were unhealthily boney.

I put up an effort to not let my facial expression change. I didn’t want Ms. Logan to feel that I was going to harshly judge her on this. Based on the things she had told me about her family, I was getting the feeling that she had been told all this before. According to her, her family was trying to force additional medical care on her. She never wanted to go onto medication in the first place. Her family was trying to help her, but with no success. Now the fake scenario I made while talking to Vivian Hale didn’t sound so out of place.

“Is there anything that you like to do for stress relief?” I asked her.

“What do you mean?” She asked.

“When I feel the world has got me down I often listen to music and try to let go of things. This went really well back when I had my own garden. It was like I was in my own little world surrounded by the flowers I brought to life.” I said.

Although the main purpose of saying this was to help Ms. Logan I was annoyingly reminding myself of something that I had lost.

“I’ve never been good with plants but in the past I used to do a lot of painting. I’ve had trouble facing a blank canvas ever since… Well… I fell out of the habit back in high school. I don’t think I can pick it up ever again.”

“I’m glad that you mentioned that because the same thing happened with me and gardening. Back when I was expelled from school I haven’t been able to get back into gardening. I live in a trailer park and it’s harder to start a garden there.”

“How did you even get expelled from public school anyways? You don’t seem like the type of girl that should be here.”

I shrugged.

“I don’t think that’s important. I don’t think we should judge people solely by their past. Everyone here should be working towards the type of person that they want to become. That includes you and the rest of the staff the way I see it. How about we make a deal? You work to get back into painting and I’ll work at getting back into gardening.”

“I don’t know if I can…” She said sadly.

I put my hand on her shoulder.

“Maybe you can start out with something simple? One thing I used to do in art class was paint simple geometric shapes to get better at understanding depth and perception. You can start with those simple types of tasks to get you started.”

“Maybe…” She said.

The direction of our conversation gave me a slight idea.

“I’d like to see some of the work you’ve done before. What type of things did you paint when you were younger?”

“My friends and I would paint mostly from life examples.”

“Then maybe that’s what you should start with? You could paint one of your cats.”

She laughed. It was rare that she laughed.

“Haha, I don’t think I’d be able to get any of them to sit still for long enough. I appreciate what you’re trying to do for me though. I really do need a hobby to get into. It isn’t a bad idea.”

“There’s this place up on the roof here that I’m interested in for gardening. I’m going to ask Ms. Sampson for permission. Do you think you’d like to join me if I can get permission?” I asked.

Ms. Logan thought about this. It was like she was afraid to leave this classroom.

“We could talk like this up there.” I said. “It would be nice to get a more vibrant change of scenery. I think you’ll forgive me for saying that the lighting in here isn’t all that great.”

“You’re right. That’s a good idea. Maybe then I’ll be able to focus on getting into gardening also. It could help me out right now.” She said.

The final school bell rang. I stood up.

“It was nice talking to you. I’m going to go talk to Ms. Sampson if she isn’t too busy to see me.” I said.

“Okay. Thank you, Holly. I hope we can talk again soon.”

I gave her a hug before getting up to leave. As much as I dreaded dealing with her before she wasn’t all that bad when she could be kept calm. Sometimes she just had to be thought of as a teenager in an adult’s body. She could be temperamental based on her emotional state or she could be calm. The important thing with her was to set the tone so that she’d always be in an ambivalent state. That was why the first topic we talked about was her, that way she could vent off steam.

I left the room to go to the front office like I said. The gardening plans I told Ms. Logan about weren’t lies. Rather, they were a way for me to let off some steam myself. The front office was empty, but the vice principal’s door was closed. I could hear voices of people inside, but couldn’t make out the words. The office assistant was likely already on their way home so I’d just have to wait. I went to take a seat in one of the chairs against the wall.

Ms. Sampson and two other teachers walked out of the office when they were done talking. The two teachers recognized me and immediately began giving me friendly greetings. My demeanor made me liked amongst most the staff. Ms. Sampson wasn’t one of those people, however. Her face lit up with concern the moment she laid eyes on me. She corralled the two teachers out of the front office as politely as she could, then she turned to me.

“Is something wrong?” She asked me directly.

“No, I only wanted to ask you about something I’ve had on my mind. I…”

“Wait! Don’t talk out here. Whatever it is we’ll talk about it in my office.” She said.

The secrecy really wasn’t necessary but I didn’t argue with her. I followed her into her office like she asked and took a seat in front of her desk. She closed the door and locked it like she was afraid someone might walk in. She walked over to her chair and sat down. Before I could say anything she tapped the face of her expensive watch.

“Make this quick Ms. Hayfield. I’ve got other appointments to attend to with the staff. Now what was it you wanted to ask me?”

“I was going to ask for permission.”

“For…”

“There’s this place on the roof towards the southern end of the school not far from the history hallway. It’s a little terrace that’s fenced in and receives a lot of lighting but goes unused.”

“What about it?”

“I’m seeking your permission to garden there.”

“Gardening…?” She asked almost like she couldn’t believe what I was saying.

“I know the school doesn’t have a lot of money for clubs which is why I’m planning to supply the tools and materials myself with things that I have from home. My trailer home doesn’t really accomadate gardening. When I saw that the place on the roof here has such good positioning and two large plant holders I was thinking that I could get started up there.”

Ms. Sampson laughed as if I had just told a joke.

“Really, you want to start a garden? Most of the time I can’t keep the girls here from doing graffiti or vandalizing school statues for fun. Yet you went out of your way to come and ask me for permission to garden? When I saw you waiting out there I thought you wanted to talk to me about something serious.”

“I know it doesn’t sound like much but it’d mean a lot to me. Before switching schools gardening was the way that I took my mind off of things. I like seeing my work come to life over time. It gives me a sense of completion.”

Ms. Sampson laughed again.

“If you want to start a garden then go ahead! I don’t know why you’d need my permission in the first place. It’s not like I would’ve known if you hadn’t told me.”

“That’s the thing, actually… The place I want to start my garden is normally off-limits. There aren’t any signs or anything, but there are desks blocking the way up the stairs. I got the feeling that no one was supposed to cross it.”

Ms. Sampson stared at me blankly for a moment. Out of nowhere she picked up her office phone. She dialed a number quickly and waited for someone to pick up. This was all so fast that I had no idea what she was doing. Who was she calling?

“Hello, Ms. Jerry…?” Ms. Sampson asked when someone picked up.

Ms. Jerry was the head custodian. She said something in response but I couldn’t make it out from across the desk.

“I have something I want you to do for me before you wrap up today. I’d like you to remove the desks blocking the staircase to the southeastern rooftop so that it can be accessed by students with my permission to go up there. Someone here is starting a gardening club and I’m giving them permission to use that space as their operations area.”

The custodian on the other end gave some affirmative response. I could hear the positive tone but couldn’t make out the specifics.

“You have a nice day as well. Goodbye.” Ms. Sampson said.

“Thank you for that.” I said.

“You’ll have your garden only as long as you stay in my good graces.” She said. “If you do something that gives me reason to doubt your trustworthiness then I’ll rescind this privilege. Have a good afternoon Ms. Hayfield.”