October 5th, 2014

I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know why I keep talking to this guy but he generally likes to stick around. He’s sitting in the far back of the diner like he always does. Usually, we talk at his treehouse but today he felt like the diner was a warmer option and one that wasn’t as humid.

Cody starts with, “I order you black coffee. I noticed that’s what you usually drink whenever we come here.”

“Thanks, Cody,” I say taking off my jacket and hanging it on the chair. I take my sit. “So what’s up? Did you get that deal with that label you talked about?”

Cody nods, “Looks like it,” he looks over my necklace. He has noticed it before but he always never paid much attention to it. “Where did you get that necklace?” he asks before I’m able to congratulate him.

I grab hold of it. It’s a bitter reminder of the relationship I had with Sara. Not only is it worth thousands because it belonged to Emmah, it’s priceless because that night was a perfect one and I’ll forever have it in my heart. “At a concert. It was with Sara. I should probably stop wearing it,” I laugh nervously.

Cody shakes his head, “I wouldn’t do that.”

“Why not? I should at least try to move on.”

Cody just stares at me. It goes long enough for the waitress to hand me my coffee. I hate it when he does this. I have no choice but to drink and wonder what the hell is going on in his mind. “I’ve been seeing Sara a lot lately,” Cody says out of the blue after minutes of silence.

“Oh? How is she?” Really, I’m dying to know.

“She’s in my psychology class. She isn’t in the best place right now, but she’s improving.”

“Oh.” I thought something like this might happen.

“You should go talk to her. I can set it up.”

“No thank you.”

“Why not?”

“I told you before. I’m forbidden to ever see or talk to her again,” I sigh, finishing my coffee before I can even enjoy it. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

Cody bites his lips and pulls something out of his backpack on the ground. It’s a black notebook with his name on it. ‘Cody Martin’. “Freyja, you meeting me a couple months ago was a coincidence. But the choice that I wanted to be your friend wasn’t it. There was a reason why I kept talking to you.” Cody pulls out a wrinkled paper out the notebook and hands it over to me. “I don’t know why I didn’t give you this sooner. I guess I just wanted to see how things would play out.”

“What is this?” I say as I begin to read.

It’s a letter with Sara’s handwriting. It’s written to me. I read it once, then I read it again. I can’t understand what she wrote so I read it a few more times after that. Cody just watches in silence. After a seventh or eighth more read, Sara words start to cut into my skin. I can’t believe she wrote this to me. It’s crumpled up so she never meant for me to read it, so I don’t understand why Cody has it. I read it one more time just to make sure it can break my heart.

I give the letter back to Cody. “Where did you get this?”

“I was behind her when she threw it on the ground. She doesn’t know.”

“Is that why you’re here?”

Cody only nods once to confirm. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re a jerk. Why would you give this to me?!”

“Because despite what you think, Freyja, no one should tell you who you should be with. You two need each other and there is so much I can do for Sara before she starts to break again.”

I scoff in disbelief. “You're so, uh, ridiculous, y’know? So you’re helping her out? Why?”

“Because she never stopped being my friend. I care about her and I don’t want to lose another person in my life if I can help it. Not like how I lost Emily.” Cody pauses for my response but I just hold my hands instead. “If I can’t be happy, then at least I can make others happy.”

“That’s not your job.”

“Freyja, God’s are nothing. It’s us who have all the power to change the world. There isn’t anything else.”

Along with all the mysteriousness of Cody also comes a side of him I never knew he had. Perhaps Sara and her friends knew but that’s not who Cody was in school. Then Cody accidentally wandered into my life when I met him at his new treehouse and caused the second death of Elizabeth. This time around, I’m glad the ghost is gone. It’s no longer a poison that is slowly killing me. So now that Cody is someone I can consider a friend, he breaks the barriers of which I held him to. Sometimes you really can’t judge a book by its cover. I guess I can say the same thing about everyone I had become friends with last semester.

“God is not nothing, Cody. You know how I feel about this.”

“Well let me ask you this. When Elizabeth died, you lost your hope on him. You didn’t believe he was even real after that happened. But you did a 180 and placed those shackles around you, so I ask why?”

“Why are you so anti-God? I lost purpose but I managed to find it back. You wouldn’t understand.”

“I guess not,” Cody smirks. “Sara is gonna play with me at Storyville this Friday. You need to come and just talk to her. I think it’ll do you both some good.”

“Wait, what the fuck? How close have you gotten that you’re letting her play with you?”

Cody chuckles as if it’s all part of his master plan. I wouldn’t doubt if he had one but I get the feeling that he wouldn’t bother. “Relax, we’re just friends and as far as I can tell, she’s 100 percent gay so she wouldn’t be into me anyways.”

“I wasn’t implying that.”

“Oh you’re just mad I’m friends with her then. Gotcha.”

“No!” my butt leaves the seat for about an inch. I sit back down and sigh. “It just feels like betrayal, like you only kept talking to me because you want to fix us or something.”

Cody shakes his head and lets it rest on both palms. “I actually think you’re a cool person, Freyja. And I don’t really care if you do end up with Sara or not but Sara is my friend and I accept you both being miserable. You two never got real closure.”

I look at the crumpled up letter on the desk. “My friends call me Fey. And is it true? What’s in the letter, is it true?”

“What part?”

I don’t know. Did she really try to kill herself? Did Andrew really leave just like that? Is she back to doing drugs? Did everything she described actually happen? “All of it.”

Cody shrugs, “I’ve known her for five years now, she’s not one to lie about things like that.”

I regress into my seat. Compared to her, my problems seem so trivial. I see Cody’s point. I left her so abruptly that I didn’t give us enough time to talk about it. I thought it was for the best. “What time does your show start?”

Cody half-smiles, “Don’t feel bad. Pain is pain,” Cody reads my mind. I sit back up a bit freaked. “The shows at 6. I’ll come a bit later than that so Sara doesn’t freak out and try to leave before we play.”

“Okay.”

I look outside the diner’s window where a car parks close by. A bunch of jocks from Mickle Ray High pop out. They wear their letterman jackets like always and hang around the car. They’re loud enough to hear from inside. The boys are waiting for the girls to show up. I know because I used to do these things before I exiled myself. Sometimes the people of this town can seem so regular it’s comforting. Cody notices them as well. “Something wrong?”

I shake my head. “No,” I’m just reminiscing about the past. If everything can fall apart in less than a year, I wonder how much can change in the next four. “Do you miss it?”

“High school? Fuck no,” Cody laughs. “Maybe if we lived anywhere else, but here in Darkwood? Nah.” I know what he means. It’s an idea that Sara has brought up multiple times. “Being too afraid of the future stop people from being the best they can be. Fuck it, being too afraid holds people back.”

“Oh.”

Elizabeth was afraid. She was afraid of how I am now. My father is going to die and only a miracle can save him now. I don’t think I’ve really accepted this. I still haven’t gone to school so I can spend his last year with him. After that I’m left to go anywhere I want with the money he is leaving me with. Hell, I don’t have to go anywhere and I can stay here and never worry about a thing. This comfort is what’s truly terrifying. It was so easy being complacent and now I just wait the day that will all change when my dad is gone.

“We’re all the same really,” Cody carries on. “We all want to leave and go somewhere. Anywhere.”

My father knocks on my door. I open it, letting the light of the living room shine through for the first time in hours. My room was healthily silent before this with everything at peace. It was so dark that I couldn’t make out where the wall was. Now everything is lit up with shadows to compliment everything.

“Can I have a second?” My father asks.

“Sure,” I step aside to let him inside. My dad makes his way and sits on my bed that still needs to be made but at this point, won’t. I’ll be asleep in a few minutes anyway. “What do you want?”

He sighs, “Fey, I’m here to say that I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I shrug.

“A few days ago, you girlfriend Sara stopped by the church. I think she was looking for you,” his words are to warm for him to be mad. I dropped my crossed arms and take a seat the center of my bed. “I got to talk to her.”

“Oh. I didn’t tell her to do that. I just sent her a text one day to leave me alone, that’s all.” My voice sounds much more panicked than it should. I take a breath to relax. Dad doesn’t even sound mad.

“No, no,” he laughs nervously. “She was very friendly, real polite despite what I thought.”

“Wait how do you know it was Sara?”

“Alex showed me who she was when you brought her up the first time, but that's not the point here.”

“Then what is?”

“I like Sara. She seems to a really nice person despite the way she dressed,” My father pauses and looks around my room, particularly at my posers. He clears his throat and holds my hand. “I’m going to die soon, Fey.”

“Dad…”

He extends his palm out like a stop sign. “No amount of prayer or miracle can stop it now. We’ve all been dealing with it for the past couple of months and I know how hard it can be. I never wanted to leave you alone in this cruel world but I’m going to be forced to. So I’m sorry that I made you hate me. I don’t want our last moments having you hate me.”

“Dad...I don’t-”

“You do, Fey. I shouldn’t have forced you into that ultimatum. It wasn’t right of me.” He takes a deep breath as I hold mine because I don’t believe what he’s saying. “I was wrong to stop something that was clearly making you happy. I was dead set on making you who I wanted to be. I was dead set of you being the shining example that I left in this world. I never took in consideration of your feelings and dreams and I’m sorry.”

“What are you saying?” My voice cracks.

My dad feels the shaking of my hand and smiles at me. “Please allow me to accept who my wonderful daughter is for my last couple of months. Fey, I just want you to be happy and I was the cause of your misery. So please allow me to learn a new perspective and teach me why you love this girl so much.”

I involuntarily grin. I wipe away the tears and hug him. “You mean-?”

“Yeah…”

I hug him tighter. “Oh my goodness, thank you, thank you!”

My father chuckles and lets me go. “I hope it’s not too late for you to apologize to the girl. I would love it if she came over for dinner. I want to get to know her before I’m gone.”

I nod like a little kid as take out my phone to text Sara. I stop myself, “What changed? Why now?”

“I’ve been giving it some thought ever since I met her.”

“Dad, I...I...uh don’t know what to say,” I exhale and smile or grin. I don’t care. I draft a text to Sara but delete it soon after. After I told her to leave me alone, a text message wouldn’t do. I text Cody with the news instead. “Do you really mean it? You want to meet her?”

Dad nods, “If your love for her and her love for you are genuine, I have no right to take that away from you two. I want to better understand it.”

“Okay!”

“Still,” he pauses. “I just want to know one thing, Freyja. Is it a choice?

“No,” I don’t skip a beat. It’s a valid point, one that I struggled for weeks on end. It’s not a choice that I love Sara this much, it just happened. It’s not a choice that I like girls. I never found boys to be sexually attractive and never actually touched a penis before. I’ve found myself in the position to have sex with a boy before but the thought of it always scared me off. I’m still trying to figure myself out sexually and that’s okay. I know that whenever I do think of someone sexually, it’s always a woman and there isn’t anything wrong that my parents did to make me think that away. I never had a traumatizing childhood, I never had some guy ruin me for everyone else. I just happened to always be like this. “I think I was always scared to admit it to myself, but it’s never been a choice.”

“Come here,” my dad just hugs me. “I’m such a jerk for not understanding.”

“It’s okay,” I giggle. “You don’t have to. I just wanted you to tell me it was okay.”

“It’s okay.”

October 10th, 2014

Cody told me to wait to come back to Sara until tonight. I’m nervous, mostly scared that she’s going to reject me. Cody assures me she won’t and to fake a confidence when I do talk to her. He says it’s the best way to make sure Sara will listen.

And listen she did.

Hew acoustic guitar was powerful, much more than the drums and the electric guitar that played with her. It reminded me a lot like Emmah’s concert as I felt those strong emotions coming with the sound. I couldn’t help to notice she still wears the necklace just like I do. Eventually, Sara noticed I was here and that’s when her emotions stopped playing.

Still, I waited for Sara to make the first move only because I was too scared to make mine. She found me waiting outside like I hoped and everything went from there.

Now Sara is my home officially meeting my parents for the first time. It’s too surreal to feel real as the minute pass. Sara gets perfectly along with my mother. The two talk like their old friends and even share the same appreciation for movies. My mother doesn’t even mention our sexuality during dinner. My father is a different story and it makes Alex almost spit out his water in laughter. “So, I’m curious about why you find my daughter so attractive,” he says.

“Dad!” I yell.

My mother kicks him for me. “Finn!”

Sara just gently smiles and glances over at me. “Fey’s just wonderful. We understand each other. She sparks up the light in my world. Fey is too kind and caring and gorgeous as well.”

My heart skips a bit. I blush and look down on the table. I can’t believe she just said that.

My mother giggles, “That is is wonderful.” My father doesn’t say anything. He probably doesn’t understand which is why he doesn’t comment. “It’s so great that you two were able to work things out and come together again. You make Fey so happy, Sara.”

I blush hard.

“Thank you,” Sara says with a light and warm smile. “Thank you for having me.”

“Oh, it’s not a problem, Sara. I’ve been pushing for Finn to at least meet you for the longest time now. He can be quite stubborn, you see.”

I’m unsure whether Sara smiles out of politeness or not. She looks at my dad, “I’m sorry I didn’t introduce myself in the church.”

My dad just waves it up while drinking is water. “I understand why you didn’t. No hard feelings.”

Sara shuts up and looks at the table creating a small silence. “Sara, wanna become best friends and become my wingwoman to pick up chicks?” My brother breaks the silence.

“Alexander!” My mother slaps his chest gently but laughs shortly after. We all do, even my father. It’s a good way to avoid that awkwardness that was creeping up.

“Sure,” Sara answers sarcastically.

“So Sara, what do your parents do?” Mom asks.

I knew they were going to eventually ask but I don’t think I could prepare myself enough for it. Sara seems to be ready for it, however. “My mom died when I was young and my father is in prison. I live with my adopting mother on Connolly Road.”

“Oh, um, sorry I asked.”

“It’s okay.”

“Why did your father go to prison?” Dad asks bluntly. It’s really enraging that it feels more like an interrogation than him actually trying to get to know Sara.

“He was sexually assaulting me.”

My mother gasps and puts her hands over her mouth. Alex just looks away in discomfort. Dad just regrets asking. “I’m sorry I asked.”

“It’s a fair question,” Sara responds.

“Sweetie, are you okay?” Mom asks.

Sara nods with her eyes closed. “It was a while ago. I’ve gotten over it. Besides, I don’t want to lie.” Sara looks at me with comfort. It’s all about being comfortable with each other.

Sara and I go up to my room after dinner. My dad tells us to keep the door open but my mother tells us the opposite and not to listen to him. Dad just sighs and tells us to stay safe while he grits his teeth. I don’t know what they expect us to do.

At least this isn’t Sara’s first time in my room so I don’t have to stand there like an idiot wondering what to do or what to say. “You’re parents are really nice. Especially now that they changed their minds,” she says.

“Yeah, they’re something,” I laugh nervously. “Sorry I dragged you into this mess.”

Sara looks at the floor then at me while she bites her lips. It absolutely sucks me in. “I didn't think you were serious when you asked.

“I guess I was.”

Sara looks over to the close door then back at me. She takes a sit on my bed. “Do you know how often I dreamed that this could happen? That I can just come back like this so easily.”

“Doesn’t feel real, does it?”

Sara shakes her head. “Just when I was learning to live without you, you come right back in.”

I giggle, “I’m sorry.”

“Fey?”

“Yeah?”

“I want to be in your life for a long time. And I hope you get to be in mine for just as long,” She smiles but it isn’t confident. I guess it would be too much of a happy ending if we both get what we want so she doesn’t trust it. I sort of don’t either.

“There isn’t anything else in the world that I would want.”

Sara’s body feels just as familiar when I left it. Her skin is just as soft, her smell is just as entrancing and her lips are just as sweet. Unlike the two other times before this, this feels much more natural and instinctual. She giggles as I take off her pants completely off. Sara takes off her shirt and bra and seeing her naked body in front of me flicks a switch in my brain. There isn’t anything in my mind besides her.

I lay on top of her both completely naked for the first time. This is where I get to observe every inch of her wonderful body bit by bit with my fingertips and my lips. Sara just giggles as she pulls me in closer to pull my lips so gently with her teeth. I press her against my bed and our bodies hug the closest they ever been. I feel as one person and Sara is just an extension of myself. Every time she giggles I’m drawn in deeper and I don’t think I can escape. Even if wanted to, Sara holds my head down to continue tasting my lips. I trace around her collarbone that sticks out ever so beautifully. This is the most beautiful part of Sara as it brings everything about her together. It amplifies her small neck and shines her breast aesthetically. I only hope I look just as good.

Who am I kidding, of course, I do. I’m irresistible to Sara as she can’t keep her hands off me. Sara constantly whispers to my ears. She tells me I’m perfect, she tells me she loves me.

“I love you,”

Somewhere I break down crying because I hurt her. I left her alone and almost killed her because I was just afraid. I don’t deserve this second chance. I don’t deserve to be here right now, not after everything I’ve done.

And Sara just holds me.

“I love you too much to ever hold it against you.”

Outside this room there is nothing. Outside of this house, there is empty space. Outside of this world is blank.

Sara pushes me down and takes over.

My back arcs and the goosebumps travel throughout my entire body.

Sara grabs my thighs and spreads my legs open as she wraps herself around me. I’m unsure what’s she’s doing until I feel it. Sara covers my mouth to keep my voice down. This is the first time…

In heaven, everything will be fine.

This night I meet the lady in the white dress. She isn’t here to take my body. She isn’t here to tell me that it’s time to go. The lady in the white dress stands in a bed of flower all of which are red and pink roses save for one. She picks that lone one and hands it to me. She smiles and says, “Isn’t it great, isn’t wonderful,”

It’s not blue.

“Isn’t it glorious?” I say.

The lady in white closes her eyes and nods only once. She isn’t a ghost but a real person. She’s real enough with blonde hair and flawless glowing skin. Her face is soft but so defined and symmetrical. It’s gentle and warm. This is who Elizabeth was talking about. “Isn’t it Glory?”

I take the white rose