October 10th, 2014

“What do you think?” I ask Cody.

“What do I think? I’m just wondering if you found what you were looking for,” He says taking a sip of his coffee. We’re set to play in thirty minutes. It’s another show. “It’s been a while, how are you holding up?”

“I’m doing a lot better. I can actually wake up and not want the day to be over anymore.”

“That sounds pretty terrible,” Cody laughs. How rude. “I thought it would be worse though. You were a mess when I saw you.”

“Hey, weren’t you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Please,” I giggle. “I’ve seen through your facade, you can’t really fool me anymore Cody.”

“I wasn’t even trying to fool you.”

“Bull.”

Cody smiles, “I think in high school, maybe, but not now.”

“What do you mean?”

Cody takes a bigger drink of his coffee. “Do I really have to explain myself? I was an idiot back then.”

“I guess not,” I laugh.

I look around. No matter what time I come to this place it always seems to be busy. I wonder if Emmah is going to show up tonight. Grace isn’t again. Even though we’re talking again she still feels odd about it.

“Anyways, I’m glad you’re doing alright Sara. You look good when you’re happy.”

“Are you hitting on me, Cody?” I joke.

He just shrugs it off, “I’ve been told I’m too charming for my own good,” He jokes as well. “It’s a curse really.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“A devil.”

“Demon to some, Angel to others.”

“Where is that from?”

“Hellraiser.”

“Never seen it. What’s it about? Also, are you watching movies again?”

“Yeah, I have. I’m doing a horror binge lately. Hellraiser is just the most recent one I’ve seen. I’ve seen them all actually. The first three are the only ones that really matter. It’s about this dude who likes trying to find the ultimate orgasm and summons hell to give him eternal pleasure. But pleasure to the demons is pain they pretty much kill him. He gets resurrected and he manipulates this woman to kill in order to get his body back. It’s pretty good.”

“I’ll give it a watch then.”

“Yeah, my favorite is the third one. There’s this scene in there that’s really fucking cool.”

“So what are you going to do next year? I say right now you have options. Community college, film school or stay with me and maybe be my partner.”

“What about your band? Aren’t they part of the record deal?”

“They don’t want it. Music isn’t a passion and just a hobby. They all have lives they want to live. So how about it? I imagine being signed with Emmah’s record is sort of a big deal.”

“A big deal? It’s a major deal!”

“You still haven’t answered my question.”

Cody is serious. I don’t know how to answer. I don’t even know if I want to answer. “Sorry, but I want to go film school. I like the guitar but I don’t want to make money off it. It wouldn’t be right.”

Cody rests his head on his palm. “Everyone in the world would take this opportunity.”

“Well, I’m just like the rest of the band. It’s not something I want to do. Like yeah, it’s cool but I like film more.”

“I never thought you to be a film geek.”

“I didn't either. To be honest it’s an off and on thing. I usually don’t think about it when I’m depressed.” I’m crazy. I’m throwing away the biggest opportunity to do something I want to do. Reaching out to people through this sound is an amazing experience but that doesn’t stop my fascination with movies.

I like the way they can tell a story and tell completely different ones with metaphors. I want to be able to tell my stories like this. I want to know how to analyze movies to better understand the second or even third hidden stories.

“You’re an odd person, Sara.”

“Don’t even start on who you are, Cody.”

Cody laughs and sits upright. “Can I ask something?”

“What?”

“How come you asked me about morning glory a few weeks ago? How did you know I told that to Elizabeth?”

“Oh, it was in a video that was shared. She said you called her that. Freyja thought it meant something more and called herself that. I just wondered if it meant something.”

Cody shakes his head, “I just told her that because I wanted her to think I was being cool and cryptic. I guess it worked too well. But if you think about it, it really works for you. Whatever you want it to mean, I think.”

“So I’m sad?”

“It’s much more complex than that. Blue flower to morning glory. No matter what happens you will always be fighting on the inside, you will always have that flower on the inside. You’ll always love someone who can’t love you back. It’s something you’ll forever live with.”

“If I’m that, what are you?”

Cody takes a second to himself, “A forest fire,” he pauses. “Was I giant dick two years ago?”

“No?” Cody wasn’t a bad person, he just pushed away Emily when he shouldn’t have. It’s really the dumb luck that everything happened the way it did. “I liked you the most out of Andrew, Chris, and Isaac in our group.”

“Do you miss it?”

“A little bit. It was really fun getting drunk and high every other night. But at the same time, I’m glad we don’t that anymore. It was destroying our lives. I haven’t been to a party in almost a year.”

“I went to one a couple of weeks ago. Grace invited me. It’s still the same shit. I’m glad we stopped when we did. Darkwood does fill cursed at times.”

“Online we’re growing to become an urban legend. Did you know this town suicide rate is an average of 31 a year? That’s three times as much as the average rate among 100,000 people.”

“How many people live in Darkwood?”

“About 32,000.”

“Damn that’s a lot more than I thought lived here.”

“We’re just as big as Issaquah but just more spread out because of the forest. Cody, we learned this in social studies. Did you not pay attention?”

“I never went to class Senior Year so.”

I giggle, “Well if you bothered you would have known this. Anyways, Issaquah averages 11 per 100,000 people. Crazy right? Last year was oddly low for us though, only 7 throughout the year.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“I think Elizabeth’s death really shocked the town more than anything. People finally started to notice and reached out to the people who needed it. Even to this day, the entire town is taking it seriously.”

Cody finishes he drink. I haven’t even touched mine and now that I do it’s a bit cold. “That’s kind of fucked up. People only notice when someone they loved died? This town’s fucked.”

“I know,” I sigh. “But at least something is being done about it. There’s this article that was written a couple of months ago. This journalist interviewed someone anonymously. This anonymous person told him that his friend saved his life just by simply asking how he’s doing each day. Simply being around those you love can save their lives and I think that’s what’s important.”

“What is?”

“Virginia and Grace saved my life. They supported me through the worst time of my life and cared enough about me to not let go. They didn’t do anything special but they constantly talked to me. Virginia especially, she didn’t try to give me reason of why I shouldn’t. She didn’t give me fake words of promise saying things will be alright. She just asked why I wanted to and just wanted to know how she could support me through it.”

“That was two years ago, right?” Cody asks and I nod. “Did you ever tried back then?” I did, when I ran away. I don’t tell Cody this. “Why did Virginia sent you to a mental hospital over the summer then when you tried then?”

“She didn’t,” I shake my head. “That was the hospital’s fault. They forced me to stay for a couple of days and a chose to stay for a few more.”

Cody looks at me with his infamous eyes. Usually, I would hear about how they’re always watching, curious, lustful, angry, or concerned. I’ve only seen a few and today it’s worry. One thing I learned in my time in the hospital and through Fonseca is that it’s okay to talk about suicide.

I don’t know why it seen as a taboo or awkward thing to talk about. Everyone get suicidal thoughts at one point in their lives.

Cody says, “What happened that day? Did you actually mean it?”

“Of course I meant it. Virginia found me and I would have been dead if it was a minute or two later. She wasn’t mad or disappointed it me either. She just wanted me to be safe and cried when I woke up. She told me that she’s failing as a mother to me for not being around much. But she’s a single mother who often works 12 to 14 hours days so I don’t blame her. That’s not the point anyway.”

Cody gives me a warm smile. He’s happy that I’m here. The feeling is mutual. This friendship has been incredibly short but I think I needed it. It’s been so fast because I know the importance of it. “I’m sorry,” Cody frowns.

“Don’t be, it was literally beyond your control.”

“No not that,” he chuckles. “I’m sorry for what I’m about to say next,” Cody pauses and closes his eyes for a moment. “Andrew told me where he was going. He just told me not to tell anyone because he felt like it was better to disappear from anyone he knows here.”

“What?! Where is he?”

“By now? New York City. I’m sorry, Sara.”

I don’t care. I take a big sigh in relief. Just knowing where Andrew is giving me enough peace to not worry about him. Virginia is right, Andrew can take care of himself. He’s the strongest and most clever person I know. “What’s he doing over there?”

Cody shrugs, “He didn’t tell me when I asked. All I know is that he told me in case something were to happen to him along his journey. He texted me once every day in the morning to let me know he was okay. He stopped when he reached the city.”

“Why didn’t he text me instead?”

“I don’t know.” Cody just opens more questions than he answers but I guess something is better than nothing. “I’m sorry for being so selfish and intrusive.”

-

I don’t know why she’s here. I don’t know why she’s so far in the back. I don’t why I’m so scared and the same time excited.

Freyja Elledge sits in the far back of Storyville, near the entrance. Every time I glance over she’s staring back at me with her mouth slightly opened. She’s as beautiful as ever. Freyja now carries bangs instead of them parting them aside like she used to. She’s dressed up nicely like she’s going on a date and makeup is light but highlighting the best areas of her face. It’s a night and day difference since the first few weeks when I talked to her. She was a different person back then. Now it just seems she’s the same as back. I don’t know her anymore.

I should just call her Jana Kramer again.

I stand and don’t move as the band members start to pack up. Cody himself helps out a bit and notices who I’m staring at. Freya is specifically waiting for me as she doesn’t move either. She plays with her hands and occasionally looks over to me.

“Go and talk to her,” Cody says to my ear. “You’ve been wanting this chance for a long time now.”

He’s right but I’m still unable to move. It’s not until Freyja gets up and tries leave that I drop my guitar and chance after her. I catch Freyja already waiting for me just a few steps outside. She’s even prettier up close.

“Hi,” Freyja starts. I just have a basketball in my throat so I don’t say anything back. “You’ve gotten like ten times better since I last heard you.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I heard you talked to my dad last week. I saw that was playing here when the store tagged you on one of their photos last week.”

So her dad did know who I was, or maybe he figured it out through talking to him. “No, what I mean is what are you doing here?” Why know out of all of these fuckings months of not talking to me. She ignored every single text except the one where she told me to leave her alone. I just want to get angry.

“I wanted to see you, Sara. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to say that I’m-”

“I’m sorry, Freyja,” I blurt out. “I shouldn’t have been selfish and pushed my feelings onto you.”

Freyja just stands a bit shocked, maybe bit sad. I can’t feel her as well as I used to. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I was the one who hurt you. I’m the one who needs to say sorry. That’s all I really want to do. I’m so fucking sorry, Sara, for everything. I’ve been so miserable without you, I can’t imagine how it’s been for you.”

I stand in silence.

“How have you been?”

I don’t answer.

“My dad, he uh, told me that he met you. You showed up at our church just to pray. He told me what you talked about. He likes you,” Freyja laughs nervously. “When we broke up, he got better. We actually thought he was going to beat cancer and for a second I thought that God really was punishing me. But it only lasted for a few weeks and now he gets worse every day. Turns out that it was just a coincidence.”

Good.

No, that’s a bad thought yo have. I shouldn’t wish ill on people that have harmed me.

“My dad and I talked for a long time last Sunday night. I’m sorry Sara. I let my father’s words scare me and push you away. I thought it was my fault that he got Cancer. I let the idea of losing my comfort get to me. I let myself be controlled.”

I scoff when I don’t mean to. “So what? You’re just going to drop everything now and come running back?!”

I want her to say yes.

“Can we go for a walk?” She asks. She bites her lip. Freyja is serious about this. I’m afraid. It feels wrong that she’s here. She shouldn't’ be here. “Please?”

“O-okay,” I extend my hand and retract as soon as I notice myself. Old habits die hard. Freyja smiles and takes the lead. She doesn’t wait for me and I’m forced to catch up to her to keep up with her pace. “What do you want, Freyja?”

She looks over. Why does it feel like nothing happened, like the rest button can just be pressed like this? “Can we be friends again?”

Those words hurt. I want more than that. I want more than just her. I want to have everything I had before and more. Dreams shouldn’t be real. “No,” I say weakly. “No,” It’s more firm. Freyja frowns and slows down her pace. “You know what I mean,” I choke up.

“It’s okay, I get it,” She sighs. “I wouldn’t be friends with me either. I hurt you, Sara, I can never take that away.”

“No, it’s not that.”

“When I talked to my dad, he told me that he shouldn’t have kept me from being who I am. He said that he was wrong for judging me and that she should have left that up to God. We talked for hours that night. We talked about all the differences between religion and branches. We discussed the ideas of the bible and ideas behind it. To be honest I don’t think I ever discussed any of it with my Dad. I was just told what I should be and want to believe.”

“What are you saying?”

“I believe in God. I don’t believe that he has a say in right or wrong. I don’t believe he that he could control my life the way my parents believed. I told this all to my father and I thought he was gonna yell like he usually does. But he didn’t, instead, he just held me. He said that he didn’t want me to remember his last moments hating him.”

I stop walking and Jana stops shortly after. “You can’t hit the reset button just like that, Freyja.”

“Are you gonna stop me? I’m not afraid anymore, Sara.”

I don’t want to stop her. It’s everything but that. It’s just that dreams don’t come true. “Did you know that almost everyone who knows about Darkwood stop by the Diner and take a photo by the welcome sign never actually enters the town? They either know there’s nothing here or think that the town is actually cursed and want nothing to do with it.”

“Why does it have to be cursed? We can be the outlier, Sara. It can be a place where we can both grow. I still love you, I never stopped loving you. There isn’t anything in the world I wouldn’t do just to be able to hold you again.”

I want to believe her words but my fucked up brain doesn’t trust her. I always felt her presence flowing through my veins. Now it’s overloading my brain and killing me. “Don’t you dare get my hopes up.”

“I’m not. I won’t. My father doesn’t care anymore. He wants to meet you, formally this time. He wants to better understand what we have. He wants to be proven wrong and is willing to change for me.”

“Why?! Why now all the sudden?!”

“Because fate! Or God! Or it’s all random but it doesn’t matter. All I know is that I was slowly dying without you near me. You found a way to cure me out of a poison only to further intoxicate me with something so much stronger. You have to take responsibility of that.”

I scoff but maybe it comes out more of a laugh. I don’t really know. It’s absurd, Freya is my cigarette, my mourning glory. I’ll never get sick of her. “I’m sorry, Freyja.”

She goes limp and looks away. “Oh.”

“I’m sorry that I let myself become a mess after you had no choice but to leave. I didn’t know I could love someone so much that wasn’t my family. I’m sorry I didn’t fight for you and I even hated you for a bit.”

Freyja looks back with a glow. The energy itself uplifts me and I think I’m able to fly because of it. I let her get close, close enough where I can feel her touch without her actually in my hands. Is it funny this way? Is it funny that now that I can feel her breath is how I’m able to believe there is a purpose. Elizabeth was wrong, there is meaning in this chaotic life. It’s not all worthless because if it was, then what is the point of ever being happy? What’s the point of even being sad? These two very simple emotions make me human. It makes part of something bigger than I may never understand. Perhaps there is a God and maybe he is kind.

Perhaps the beautiful grim reaper in the white dress isn’t one, to begin with.

I begin to laugh. I laugh because I think I finally understand that everything will eventually be alright. So what if my mother was this depressed and miserable person. So what if I inherited her depression. So what If my mother’s suicide caused my father to drown in his own darkness. So what if he raped me. So what if Lyle did the same. So what If I had my heart broken. So what If my brother left to never speak to me again. So what horrible things continue to happen to me. I lived through all of it and now I’m standing stronger than ever before.

The world doesn’t always have happy endings. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Life can be unfair like this. But people also get happy endings all the time and life can be a fairy tale to some. I’m sure everything won’t be fine after this, but for now, this is as good as I’m gonna get.

I hold Freyja’s hand and her warmth has never felt so much like home. I kiss her and nothing has ever felt so welcoming and comforting before.

I don’t know what love is. I know the meaning of the word but I never felt it before. I don’t know if this is it because I have nothing else to compare it to. I love my family and I can’t imagine ever leaving them. I love my friends and even though we’re all separated now I still hold them in my heart. I love my twin brother and we’ve been each other’s best friend since birth. There isn’t a person I trust more. Then there’s Freyja. She’s a combination of all of these and much more. She’s so pretty, so gorgeous, so beautiful and sexy that I can spend an entire day just looking at her without losing interest. She’s absolutely perfect and I think that’s what love is. It’s everything who she is and what she does and what she will do.

I hope she feels the same about me.