September 27th, 2014

I meet Cody in the 18 diner. This is the first time I’ve seen him there. In fact, it seems before this past week I always seen Cody in one of five places, always. Cody sits in the far back corner of the diner where it’s hard to see walking in. I sit in front of him like I have an option when I really don’t. People don’t sit next to each other unless they have to. It’s weird otherwise.

“How are you doing?” Cody asks not taking his eyes off his phone.

“Like shit.”

Cody looks up at me and smiles. It’s fucking stupid and intoxicating and I realize something. “Some days are like that,” he says. In turn, I smile involuntarily which makes me feel like the idiot.

I have a session with Fonseca on Monday and this is something I want to discuss this with her. Maybe she can say something that will make sense about all of this.

“Do you ever feel like the world is out to get you?”

“Of course,” Cody answers without a breath in between my words. “I learned that life’s like that isn’t it.”

“No one has seen Andrew. I searched all last night, I’m starting to worry. You really haven’t heard a word from him?”

Cody drops his phone on the table and crosses his arms. His head tilts a bit and becomes curious. “Two years ago, you ran away and Andrew called the cops immediately. Why haven’t you done that?”

I shrug, “He’s 18, Virginia said he can take care of himself.” When I say that out loud it sounds pretty stupid. I should tell Virginia to file a missing person report. At least that way more people can look.

Cody chuckles which is a bit rude. “Well, how did he found you?”

I wonder if Cody knows the details of what happened to me two years ago. As far as I know, only Andrew, Fonseca and Virginia know what happened. “I don’t know,” I tell him. Which is true because that was the day Lyle unlocked the chains on my body and lead me upstairs to shove me towards my brother. I don’t know if Lyle told him he had me or if Andrew figured it out but it didn’t matter. That monster now placed chains around my brother.

“You still interested in going to film school?”

“What?” He catches me off guard. I haven’t thought about that in months, maybe even a year. I used to love watching films but with everything going on I haven’t been able to watch any.

“I don’t know. I don't know anything anymore.”

“Why not?”

“I’ve been busy.”

“It’s not good on giving up on things you like.”

“What do you mean?”

Cody shrugs, “I just think it does you some good to know what you want. I got my music and you liked films. Everyone has something.”

He’s right. I would like to go to LA to a film school there. But right now all I want is for people to hear my voice. “Can I play with you on your next gig?”

“What?”

“When you rap, I want to be up there with you. I play the acoustic guitar.”

Cody half smiles and picks up his phone but doesn’t check it. “That’s a bit random. Why would you want to do that?”

“Because when I heard you it was when I heard Emmah Melody Ryan live and I know I want to see if I can do the same. I want to release everything I have bottled up inside just like you.”

Cody smiles and chuckles, “Okay but I have to hear you play first. At least you picked up something new.”

“Wanna go now?”

“You just got here and my drink is on the way.”

“It’s not here yet what does it matter?”

Cody gets up and extends his arm out to me. I use it to lift myself up. He opens the door for me and says, “Didn’t know you play guitar.”

“I started last year but I didn’t become good until a few months ago,” I laugh nervously taking the first steps outside. The skies are cloudy and I doubt Cody has a car. “How’d you get here?”

“Took an uber, can’t really take them back though.”

Great so we have to walk back. Although the town is a small one it still takes time to walk everywhere. For example, getting to the other side of town, which is the other side of the forest would take about three hours to walk, maybe an hour and a half if you’re cutting through the forest directly. There isn’t much to the other side of town anyways. It’s just the where all the rich kids live. I live just south of the forest, close to the hill, close to the school and close to where Freyja lives. It’s a thirty-minute walk from there to the diner.

“Y’know, when nothing is going on this town can seem to be harmless,” Cody comments as we start to walk towards my house. “Like it’s a goddamn normal one.”

“Yeah,” I chuckle. “Why do you think it’s so fucked up.”

Cody shrugs, “Who knows. It’s not important.”

Cody reminds me of Andrew now that’s he’s gone. I think that’s why they were friends in the person. They’re both alike yet they are completely different people. Being around Cody gives me that same safe space Andrew used to give me. “Can I ask you something?” I say once we reach one of the many street lights we have to cross.

“Yeah?”

“Do you mind talking about Emily with me?”

“What about?” his words are cold, clearly he isn’t interested but I still have to press on.

“Why did you push her away the way you did? Do you regret it?”

Cody doesn’t answer for a while. I know the answer already but I want to hear it from him. A lot of things happened because Cody wasn’t ready to love Emily. I wonder if he’s ready now. “Only if you tell me about Freyja.”

“Okay…” It’s a hard deal but I’m curious to hear Cody’s thoughts.

Cody sighs as we start to walk again. “I think everyone blames themselves for Elizabeth’s death. I think I took more harshly than others. Hell, I bet Andrew knows how I felt. It was just hard when Emily wanted us more than ever and I couldn’t handle it.”

“If she were here today, what would you do.”

“Emily always said that I always knew what I should do. No matter the situation I knew what to do, she would say. Truth is I almost never do, so I don’t know what I would do if she was here.” It makes sense or at least to me. Cody is just as lost as all of us. “What about Freyja, or Jana, or whatever? It sounds like you really liked this girl.”

I burst in small laughter. “Yeah, I do. I love her. When she broke things off I didn’t really know what to do. Andrew was this pillar of support and when he left there wasn’t anyone to catch me from falling down.”

“Yeah but that doesn’t warrant suicide,” he says so nonchalantly.

That’s right, Cody doesn’t know anything. At least I don’t think he does. “I go to this psychiatrist who diagnosed me with clinical depression. She thinks I may have genetically inherited it from my mom.” Cody knows my mom is dead so I hope he figures it out without me telling him. “When two major traumas add to each other it's easy to forget who I am.”

“And who’s that?” Cody isn’t looking at me.

“A girl who just wants to be happy and not miserable all the time.”

“What was your mom like?” he asks out of nowhere.

I remember the living and caring angel of my mother and the hateful depressed alcoholic one at the same time. I think now both are true. Maybe she wasn’t the woman I thought she was but she was something. I wish I could ask the only person who would know. “She was just like any other,” I say but it just comes out sounding like bullshit.

“So what? You’re depressed and you don’t want to be?” Cody scoffs. “That’s not how it works.”

“I know. Fonseca tells me that all the time. She says it takes time to break out of my shell and see who I truly can be.”

Cody scoffs yet again, “That’s bullshit,” he looks over to me. “Sara you don’t need to break out of anything to see who you can truly be, you just are. You are or you’re not. There’s nothing to break out of.”

“But it’s-”

“It’s what? Is it a progress? No one can defeat their sadness. The darkness is much a part of us as the light, there’s no getting rid of that. All you can do is to learn to live with it.”

There it is again, “learn to live with it…” I repeat to myself.

“Emily’s been getting anxiety attacks ever since she overcame her sickness when she was ten. You think it was something she just learned to get over? She’s still probably dealing with it right now.”

“But isn’t that grim? You’re saying it like it’s some sort of STD that I can’t get rid of.”

Cody shrugs, “You can’t really regrow an arm, can you? You can get a prosthetic leg but it’ll never be a leg. They learn to live with it, just like you have to.”

We walk in silence for ten minutes. These words are so simple yet effective. It makes me wonder what Fonseca sees in me that she tells me this darkness will just fade away one day when I find the light. No. I found the light before and even then it still lurked in the back corner of my mind.

“Is that what you’re doing now?”

“What?”

“With Emily. You’re living with it, without her.”

Cody smiles, “Of course. There isn’t anything else to do but besides that.”

It sounds so cheesy. How does one even live with their depression? Am I supposed to accept it that I’m just going to have incredibly shit days somedays? It sounds a lot like the “cheer up, everything will get better,” like everyone always likes to say. It’s similar but it’s real. Cody is saying that it doesn’t matter I do, I can’t conquer this. I can’t fight it when I’ve been trying for so long. If I can’t fight it? Do I just give up?

No. That’s not what he means.

“So what do I do?”

“You become its mother.”

That doesn’t make any sense but it doesn’t have to. I wasn’t only fighting, I was running. I’m running when I’m looking for Andrew. I’m running when I want Freyja back. I’m running when I’m unable to leave my room because I don’t have the energy to do so. I’m pushing it away. I’m pushing myself away.

I get home and lead Cody to my room. Grace isn’t home and neither is Virginia. EIther way, it wouldn’t be much of an issue to bring a guy home. Cody sits down on my desk chair as I sit down on my bed and play my guitar for him. I play the melody I came up with last night and Cody listens without saying a word.

This is what I’m talking about. Every time my fingertips touch the chords I released that pent-up energy that has been building inside of me. I don’t know if I’m actually good or not but it doesn’t matter. This is what I wanted to do and I can feel my memories escape with the vibrations of the strings. And Cody listened like we’ve been friends without the loss of time. It’s just been a couple of days and I feel completely comfortable with him.

“That was good,” He says when I finish. “Yeah, I don’t mind if you play along with my band,”

“Really?!” I lean the guitar against my nightstand feeling the smallest amount of happiness I felt in days.

“I play very, very important show this Friday. Think you can learn a couple of songs by then?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool,” Cody stands up to take his phone out. “I’ll send you the music sheets on Facebook. “You’re better than I expected,” he says finishing up typing something.

It makes me blush unexpectedly. “What you said earlier,” I butt in. “How that I need to learn to live with my depression? I think I’m starting to get it.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” I smile. “I realize that there are a few things I’ve been running away from that I don’t think I can anymore.

“Like?” Cody sits down again.

“I have to face my demons. My father, my mother, Lyle, myself, Freyja, and cigarettes.”

“Cigarettes?”

“Nothing,” I laugh to myself. “Cody?”

“Hmm?”

“Hey did you ever fuck Grace?”

“No,” Cody doesn’t hesitate, “She’s still a virgin. That came out of nowhere.”

“How do you know?”

“She told me last week, although she likes this guy named Alex.”

Good. At least she still has that.

Grace and Virginia come home shortly after that. Cody decides to extend his stay and we start to watch movies together on Netflix. It soon becomes like the whole thing didn’t even happen. Virginia at some point knocks on my door and Cody introduces himself to her even though she knows who he is. I guess Grace overhears this and soon comes over to watch the movie together. She sits against the bed as Cody sits next to me. From time to time I would look down on her head and wonder if Grace is still mad about last night.

I look up to the TV and decide it doesn’t matter.