September 25th, 2014

Cody tells me to meet him just two minutes west of where his old tree house used to be. I guess the past couple days of talking at school makes him think we’re friends. I don’t think so yet here I am. The old and broken tree house still is in pieces everywhere from the lightning strike a year back. Strangely the old Polaroid photographs that used to be scattered around aren’t here anymore. I figure out where west is and walk towards another small open where this massive tree is in the middle. There I see a large floor and a partial wall build along the branches of the tree. Cody is on top working on it. He’s actually trying to rebuild it.

Cody notices me arrive at the sound of my feet crunching the dead leaves around me. “Oh, you’re here,” he says surprised. He didn’t expect me to come.

“Yeah, what do you want that couldn’t be said at school today?” I say as I watch Cody climb down the temporary steps he made.

“Oh, I just wanted to hang out,”

“I’m gay, Cody. Just because Emily is out of the picture doesn’t mean you can get with me.”

Cody laughs as he jumps down from the last two steps. “What? No. You just seem like you need a friend right now.”

I almost laugh. “Whatever, Cody. I’m here, what do you want?”

Cody’s eyes widen like he’s lost. He’s serious. “What’s been going on? It’s been awhile since we caught up. I’m just curious.”

I hate small talk. I cross my arms and sigh, “Same old same old. Why are you building another treehouse? This one’s bigger,” I point to it with my arms still crossed.

Cody looks at it then back at me, “Why not? It’s mine as much as it’s Emily.”

Is Cody still not over Emily? His performance a couple of days ago suggests so although he never directly referenced her from what I understood. It’s heartbreaking to watch. He pushed her aside for so long that when he finally accepted her, she left. He was too late. “Oh, I get it,” I giggle.

“Get what?”

“You’re not over Emily.”

Cody scoffs. Cody can be really smart and secretive but one thing he lacks is his ability to lie. “Of course I am.”

But building a new tree house directly contradicts this. Cody takes a sits in one of the nearby tree stumps I assume he cut to make room for his project. I move over to lean on the tree itself. “Don’t think so.”

Cody tries his best to pass a chuckle. Yeah, it’s clear Cody isn’t the same. Last year he would be able to play it cool. Cody has for sure lost the confidence he always had. “It’s lost in the details,” he waves it off. “Besides she’s gone now, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“Half her family is here, she’ll be back.”

“Can we not talk about this?!”

I was right. I frown because his words cut through me. It’s not suspicion anymore. I can feel the exact same thing Cody feels just like how it was it Freyja. Is that a superpower? “What have you been up to? How come you’re a freshman like me?”

“I took a year off to focus on my music. My parents pretty much kicked me out when I told them I didn’t want their money for college.”

“Wait, that doesn’t make sense. You’re in college now.”

Cody laughs, “Through my own money. I don’t accept handouts. Never have, never will.”

“So where do you live?”

Cody kicks the ground, “A studio apartment near Seattle. I work at Storyville for money, which is why I play there too.”

“Oh, that’s cool. So why college now?”

“I don’t have anything better to do,” he laughs. “I don’t plan on graduating or anything. My music will be enough.”

“And you’re sure about that?”

“Of course,” he says with so much affirmity like the old Cody. “I won’t ever doubt myself.” There’s something admirable about his words. This is something he would say a year ago. I’m glad there are still fragments of himself in him. I don’t say anything back simply because I don’t have anything else to add. Instead, Cody says, “How’s Andrew?”

“He left.”

“Left?”

I shrug. “I don’t know where he is. Virginia tried to kick him out and the woosh, gone. Gracie didn’t tell you?”

Cody shakes his head and stands up. “No. She never brought it up.”

“Hey, how come you’re still friends?”

“Hmm?” Cody looks left for a reason. “She’s a funny girl, always trying to grow up faster than she should.” Yeah, like the coke she’s doing that I still haven’t done anything about. “You don’t know where Andrew is?”

“No.”

“Hmm,” Cody thinks for a second. “Wherever he is, I’m sure he’s fine. Oh well,” and just like that he drops it. “At least you’re doing well, Sara.”

No. I’m not. “Thanks,” I say with a tennis ball in my throat. Part of me wants him to ask what I’m doing in school or if I have a job because my throat is dangerously close from spilling the truth guts. Anything. Say anything.

“Wanna hel-”

“I’m not fine.”

“Hmm?”

“I had an awful breakup before the summer and then Andrew disappeared. All of my hard work went to shit and I tried to kill myself.”

Cody blinks once, just once and then takes a few steps forward before stopping himself. I brace myself for a hug as if I’m scared to get one, but he doesn’t. “Shit, I’m sorry to hear that.”

What’s next? I ask myself. What are you going to say next, Cody?

“I’m glad you’re still here, Sara.” He says. Those words spark inside this darkness of mine. I’m urged to hold a cigarette but I don’t have mine with me at the moment. Still, those words hold a candle I did not expect. I thought he was going to say something stupid and cliche like “It gets better,” “I’m here for you, or, “cheer up.”

I start to laugh uncontrollably. It must be because Cody is still so different than every other guy I know. It’s breath of fresh air especially since all of my communication used to come from the internet in my self-exile. He’s a lot like the people I met in them metal ward when I was there. They were all so oddly unique and funny to interact with. “Did I say something wrong?” He asks.

“No, no,” I stop myself from crying. “It’s just, thank you. I needed to hear that.”

“Oh.”

“I can’t believe I painted you as a bad guy for the last week,”

“Gee, thanks,” Cody sits back down on his tree stump. “What happened, if you don’t mind me asking. About the breakup, not the suicide part. I don’t want to hear that.”

“Turned out the only other lesbian in this town happens to also be part of a religious nut family. Her father forced her to break it between us or else she got casted out.”

“Shit, that sucks. Who was she?”

I’m hesitant to answer but I guess it doesn’t matter. We’re all done with High School so rumors don’t matter. Besides Cody isn’t one to tell anyone. He’s kept every secret that he’s been told that I know of. “Jana. Jana Kramer, although she goes by her real name, Freyja.”

Cody's eyes widen a bit surprised. “Oh, I always thought she was straight. Y’know with the whole fucking Connor thing.”

“She lied about that to seem cool to the girls.”

“Jesus Christ high school is stupid,” Cody mumbles to himself although I can still hear, “That’s neat though, I always liked her. She’s a nice girl.”

“Yeah, she was,” until she ripped my heart out and slammed a sledgehammer on it. “I haven’t talked to her since either.”

“Hmm, I guess I was right that you need a friend,” he chuckles. “I’m happy to apply because I need one too. Grace is my only other female friend and she’s been kinda off lately.”

Cody makes me laugh, “You’re stupid,” I say look up above me to the treehouse. “How long until you’re finished?”

Cody shrugs standing up, “I don’t know. Could be a year, could be three. I never really built something alone. I always had my dad and Emily to help me out.” Cody walks up next to me and starts to climb the steps. I decided to follow him and sit next to him on the edge where we could easily fall.

I want to fall.

“But you’re right,” Cody sighs. “I’m not over Emily. Not at least until I finish this stupid treehouse. I just never got that closure.”

“I’m sorry, Cody.”

I close my eyes and instantly see a memory of Emily. The last time I remember her she had much shorter hairdo being cut when she had surgery after the car crash. I thought it suited her better as it looked really cute on her. I was one of the last people to ever see her before she left back to New York. The entire thing was bittersweet and I a bit jealous that she managed to escape this cursed down before it killed her. Sometimes it feels like the worst happens to the best of people, especially in this town.

“It’s okay. I’m terrible for her. She made the right choice to leave forever,” Cody’s voice hurts. It’s painful for him to talk about this which is why he stopped it earlier. “I just have to live with it.”

Living with it.

Huh.