September 22nd, 2014

I walk into my last class of the day. It’s general psychology so I can have a better understanding of why I am the way I am. I sit in the back like I always do. I go unnoticed and nobody ever talks to me like the way I like it. I figured if I dressed up in a sweatshirt and yoga pants nobody would bother me. So far I’ve been right. Nobody knows me.

Nobody pays attention to someone from Darkwood, Washington. Maybe if it was Elizabeth who was known throughout the state, but not me, not a nobody. That is, I’m supposed to be a nobody. Cody ruins that.

Cody Martin walks into this class. This is the Cody that took my best friend away from me. I haven’t talked to him since Emily left. Now he’s here and sits next to me because I’m the only one he knows. “Hey,” he says so nonchalantly. I ignore him.

Yet in my mind, I can’t help but feel so awkward inside. It’s a weird twist of fate that Cody happens to be in this class above all else. He’s a year above me, why is he even in this intro class? I try my hardest to ignore him but in my head, I cannot. He omits this strong aura of pressure that seems to suffocate me.

Cody seems different since I last saw him. His hair is different, no longer is it a shaggy skater kid look instead it’s slicked back with his sides short. It’s an undercut that serves him well although I don’t think he could ever have a bad hair day. But that’s not what’s different about him. It’s this aura he gives off, its different from what I remember. Back then it wasn’t ominous. I’m not sure if it is now, but my gut tells me it isn’t friendly. “Aren’t you going to say hi?” he says in the middle of class. Again I ignore him or at least try to play the act.

The feeling comes back, the same thing that happens when I was around Freyja. Cody seems lonely. Why him? Why can I feel him? “Why’d you change your hair back to black?”

I can’t do this anymore. “I thought it looked better this way.”

Cody bites the left side of his lips, “I liked it better brown.”

Mind games. He’s playing mind games like he always does and I know this because I notice I touch my hair unconsciously. Of course, he notices, I’m trapped. “I don’t care what you think.”

“Of course you wouldn't,” he chuckles and turns to the professor who hasn’t even noticed us talking.

Even that was expected. He’s been calculating this since the second he saw me. That’s just who Cody is.

No, I’m just overthinking things again. Cody isn’t a bad person. I’m just playing myself.

When class ends I find myself leaving the building much faster than I should of. I don’t even dare to look at Cody but somehow he manages to beat me. He’s already waiting right outside as if can teleport. “How did you-”

“Why are you ignoring me?”

“You know why” I try to walk past him but I feel his stare piercing my back so I stop and take a look. I was right. It’s a lot less creepy than I thought it would be. It’s sad even. “What do you want, Cody?”

Am I playing his game right now?

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” He walks forward a bit but keeps his distance from me. “I never got to say that. Everything just kind of ended.”

He’s right. They did. “Yeah, okay. I get it. It doesn’t matter anymore. You don’t need to apologize anymore.”

“You don’t think? After I got Emily shot? I never got to say sorry to her.”

“Little late for that,” I chuckle. “I haven’t talked to her since either.”

“I see.”

“I guess I’ll see you in class tomorrow, Cody,” I turn around ready to leave.

“Wait!” He shouts. I forced to look at him again. I’m not sure I want to anymore. “I’m having a show tonight, at Storyville. You should come.”

“What if I’m busy.”

“Grace is coming, she often does.”

Is that what she does when she goes out on random Fridays? “What do you want Cody? You’ve been gone for a year and now you’re inviting me to places like we’re friends?” Is it right to be a bitch to him? No, it doesn’t matter. Cody matter just as little as everything in this world.

He takes a step forwards un-flinched from my cold words. “Try to make it. It’s important.” Cody walks off like he’s in the lead. He always acts like he’s the main character. I always liked that confidence in him.

The thing is; Cody never said the time the show was starting. I wonder if it was a lapse of judgment or he just playing his games. I’m forced to text Grace about the details. She’s been seeing him play live for six months now. I just never cared to notice because I was to busy either with Freyja or being depressed by myself. Great, just another thing I neglect.

The point is that I’m here. The sun is setting and I’m waiting outside for Grace’s arrival. I don't even know why I’m here. All I wanted was to go straight home and lay in my room until I’m forced out again. This is the longest I’ve been outside in weeks.

It’s Cody. He’s in my head with his little mind games.

I’m an hour early. Shit.

I walk around Pike’s Place a bit to people watch. They’re all so robotic and plastic. It’s not real, like looking at all of this doesn’t seem real. I stop walking and observe everything around me for a moment. Everyone is moving without wasting a second, They all have their own lives to live and it all seems so fake. Reality isn’t here. I’m losing it as even my own hands don’t seem to really be there. I shake my head to get out of it and it only places my hair all over my face.

I take out my phone and call Emily Crowe. I don’t know why I still have her number saved. It’s either a cross between comfort or hope that one day she’ll pick up. She never does, she never will. Emily changed her number last year. I call Andrew. Unlike Emily’s it doesn’t send me the discontinued number message. It just rings and rings and then, “I’m not answering your stupid ass call because it’s not important,” he says and then *beep*. This is the real comfort; his voice in my ear. It’s what swallows me back into reality.

I look up and pretty lights of the city start to light up one by one. I’m standing in the middle of a pathway of lights and I imagine that I’m the main character in some romantic story and Freyja will pop out of the street corner with open arms. I look over and wait it to happen but no one ever comes.

I just have to accept that she’s gone.

At a nearby convenience store, I stop by to get a light snack and a drink because I haven’t eaten anything in awhile. Outside people are leaving the public market as it’s closing down for the night. People are stopping and watching some of the street performers and giving money. I wonder just how much they earn a day on average. It must be a quite a bit if they can at least walk out with 200 for the day.

As a group of people leaves, I spot who I think is Freyja among them. I feel my heart stop because I don’t expect her to come to a place like this. I follow behind them at a safe distance to see if it really is Freyja. I just need her to turn around. They head over to a parked car where the girl opens the door and look over at my direction before getting in. It’s not her. I’m relieved but disappointed. I at least want to know how she’s doing. Lady Fate has been cruel to me. Where the hell am I supposed to be going?

Why am I even here? I don’t even care for Cody.

It’s that pull of curiosity that’s driving me.

I sit next to Grace as we await our coffee order. There’s not a lot of people here but there’s enough to make the shop feel cramped. Cody is on the sidelines talking to someone as there’s a live piano performance by a little girl. She’s much better than anyone could think. She’s maybe not even ten years old yet and is playing like she’s been doing this all her life.

“Just must have a really amazing teacher,” I say to Grace.

“Maybe she’s really talented.”

“Maybe, but you need someone to bring it out of you.”

“Hmm. Well, whatever she’s not why we came for. I can’t believe Cody is in your class, how odd.”

“Yeah,” I chuckle awkwardly as the little girl finishes her piece. We all clap together and I guess a staff member introduces Cody and his ban. Two other guys join Cody up on the stage. On takes the drums and the other comes with an electric guitar. I notice there’s a DJ already there with a laptop out. It’s a mix between live and digital, how neat.

Cody introduces himself, “Hey, my name is Cody Martin, I go by Petrichor and I’ve been rapping all my life. Storyville has given me the grace to play here every Friday night but today is special. I’m really really grateful to them and I hope you enjoy the show.”

I notice Grace sit upright to pay better attention. “He said he’s debuting a new song tonight.”

I wonder if that’s what was important. “This is called Some Words.”

I saw a car crash, it reminded me of our first date

And I felt that it was just right

I stood back while I looked at

The wrecked crash and I took that

What I could take back like I was on top

And they looked back and said it's wrong

But what's wrong was our first date

In the first place it shouldn't have been such a mess

Yet it was and you thought me for less

Wore a white dress like a princess

Nevertheless what a hell of a mess

What a death stare at the shade of murderous

It's not a bit of nervousness but a face of hell

Hell that seems warm compared to her ugly grin

She wipes herself off says, What have you done?

The taste of blood in her tongue

It's too late when she takes the blade through my thin skin

Besides words

You give me nothing

You say you care, You say you're there

You give me silence

So I think it's late for me to wait

I don't have choice to walk away

Besides words

The graphite scratches of the past hurt

Your last words, despite ashes of the last bird

Homework of the vast world in my fingertips

Paperclip notes and scribbles of music tones

Research of the musical touch to bones

Chilling spine pheromones got us connected miles apart

Paper thoughts shared with lion hearts

And it's Acheron being this close heart to heart

But we're so far a part friendship and acquaintanceship

It's so poetic

You're so sympathetic, I'm so apathetic

Opposites attract like a match made in heaven

This adrenaline got me so high up on rebellion

Now this scent got me threatened

As I speak words that have no meaning are ones you'll sit on

Besides words

You give me everything

You say you care, You say you're there

You give me silence

So I think it's late for me to wait

I don't have a choice but to confess today

Cody finishes his first song. My jaw is on the table because of what I just witnessed. This was the first time I heard Cody perform an actual rap song. He used to just freestyle so while impressive I never knew he had it in him. Cody soon starts his next song titled, ‘Cold’. Again he has this energy that I can’t put into words. It’s just like the concert that Emmah had. I can feel what he’s saying like I can see it. ‘Cold’ is specifically how alone Cody feels even though the lyrics state otherwise. Again it’s like I’m traveling through time and I’m seeing what Cody experienced. I wonder if Grace is feeling this too.

There’s everything in his songs. His pain from Elizabeth, Emily, his friends, his parents and himself. Cody’s words pierce my heart like a bullet and it becomes clear that he is genuine. Cody is honest with his music and that’s the aura around him at all times. He isn’t the same Cody I used to know. He’s broken. He’s nothing without Emily and it shows in his words.

I want to be up there too. I want to give off the same energy he does. I want to tell everyone how I’m feeling and have nobody say anything and just to listen. Earlier I thought fate was cruel but maybe this is what it all leads too. I have to conquer this depression of mine and I think this is the way to do it. I thought it would just pass like every other time but I have to fight for it. This is what Fonseca wants me to do, what everyone wants me to do.

This is what Cody is doing.

Why am I running?

Cody finishes and immediately leaves to go to the back somewhere while his band members pack up. “Is that normal? He just left so fast,” I ask Gracie.

She shakes her head, “No, he usually comes up to talk.”

“I didn’t know he was so good.”

I know,” She laughs. It’s things like these that remind me that Grace and Cody dated last summer. Although it was short it was enough so they’re able to be friends after the breakup. I’m sure Gracie doesn’t like Cody like that anymore. “He said today was special though, I wonder why.”

“You don’t know?”

“No.”

A waiter comes in with new drinks, “Courtesy of a friend,” he says. At least Cody isn’t ignoring us but I’m wondering what he’s doing. It takes another ten minutes for Cody to reappear, just as we’re about to leave.

Cody stops us at the door. “You enjoy the show?”

“Of course, always,” Grace answers as we move out of the way to let other people leave.

“Yeah, it was great,” I manage to say through an odd lump in my throat. I manage to make it out okay even though I’m sure my voice cracked.

“That’s so good to here,” Cody smiles like it was all he really wanted. Something is bothering him, I can tell by the tone of his voice but I can’t figure out what it is. It must be whatever in the ten minutes he disappeared. “Thank you for coming, Sara. I knew you would.”

Because you probably manipulated me into it.

No.

That wasn’t the reason. Cody isn’t like that, tonight proved that.