Prom.

Everyone thinks we’re going together as friends. This becomes less apparent by the way we dance together on the slow ones. We hold each other tight like it’s a goodbye. Fey is too beautiful tonight, it gives me a reason not to let go. Fey lets go when it’s another pop song. She refuses to dance to these but it’s for good reason, I wouldn’t want to either.

We go outside together where Andrew is outside with Bo having a conversation and a cigarette. They’re barely ten meters away from the teacher’s but it looks like they don’t care. I ask for one even though I know I won’t light it up. “How’s your night going you two?” Bo asks handing me the cigarette.

“Just fine, yours?” I answer.

“Taking photos is a pain tonight. I really don’t want to take photos of the king and queen.” I don’t have to ask who they’re gonna be. It’s been obvious since the start of the school year. “It’s in ten minutes, so I can't talk long. You guys going to Amanda’s after party?”

“Ye,” Andrew answers. “I don’t know ‘bout these two.”

“It depends on how we’re feeling at the end of the night,” Fey answers. “Where’s Grace?”

Probably with her friends like always. “Inside,” Andrew takes a drag. He makes sure he exhales where the smoke doesn't get near us. “People are talking about you two.”

“Yeah, they didn’t expect you to be a couple. Who knew the church girl and the goth would end up together,” Bo chuckles. “It’s truly out of a soap opera.”

“Shut up man, don't make fun of my sister.”

“I wasn’t?”

I burst into a short laughter. It’s scenes like these that make me appreciate where I am right now. I couldn’t ask for more. Everything is alright for once.

We all go inside to watch Amanda be crowned as queen. Part of me wishes she could humble herself and revoke her right as queen like the ending of Mean Girls. Of course, that doesn’t happen and she brags like the self-absorbed person she is. Amanda, however, mentions that she is sad that she couldn’t be friends with the people she used to be with. I wonder if she was talking about Fey.

Andrew and Grace go to the after party while Fey and I decide to head back home. I sort of wanted to go but Fey insisted she wanted the night to be spent with ourselves only. She’s been odd lately as in very clingy. Not that it’s a bad thing, I love spending all of my time with her but she sometimes acts oddly about it.

“Can we go to Darkwood Hill instead,” Fey asks when I get close by it on our drive home. This is that I find weird, she can’t seem to make up her mind sometimes.

I half expected someone else to be up here seeing its Prom Night but I guess everyone is going over to Amanda’s party. “Why did you want to come up here?” I ask her.

“Because there’s something I want to ask,” she smiles.

“And what’s that?”

For a moment Fey reverts back to her shy self as she can’t get her worlds out. She holds my hand and says, “I want to feel everything about you. I want you, Sara. I chose here because this is where you woke me up. Can you do that to me?”

Fey is absolutely adorable. She really had this whole night planned out in her head. I kiss her lips, they’re strawberries tonight to match her red rose color dress. I lay her down on the grass where Freyja sucks me into her. This is the second time we’ve done this down and it’s still not better but at least it’s less awkward.

Fey sits up and takes a deep breath. “I really love you, you know?”

It’s still hard for those words to come out of my mouth. “I love you too, Fey.” I get up to sit next to her but I only catch her frowning and wiping away what I can only guess is tears. “Is something wrong?”

“No,” She shakes her head. “I’m just really happy.” I can’t help to feel like that’s a lie. Whatever is wrong, I’m sure she will tell me in time. “Can I stay with you tonight? I don’t want to go home.”

“Okay,” I give her a warm smile in hopes to let her know everything will okay.

Fey doesn’t say anything on the drive home, again which I find odd. She’s usually like this but this time I feel like it’s different.

Mom hasn’t gone to sleep on the account that she’s been waiting for us to come back home. “Where’s Andrew and Gracie? Are they at that stupid after party?”

“Yeah,” I nod. “Grace really wanted to go so Andrew is watching over her. He’ll get a ride home with an Uber.”

“I would have preferred if you watched over the both of them,” Virginia chuckles and turns her attention to Fey. She’s not angry. She trusts Andrew. “Freyja, it’s nice to see you again. I’m assuming you’re staying the night?”

“Yes, if I could, Mrs. Ciotta.”

“I was never married so it’s not my surname. Call me Virginia,” she chuckles again. Mom had some wine later, she must have been worried about us. “You know, Freyja, if you were a boy I would have kicked you out by now.”

“Mom, that’s sexists. Just because she’s a girl doesn’t make it okay,” I joke.

Virginia laughs harder than she thought she would. “I’m only allowing it because I trust you, Sara. Freyja, play nice with my daughter. I’m going to go for a walk, I had too much to drink.”

My adoptive mother likes to play dirty. Freyja nearly laughs as Virginia leaves. She wants us to have sex and I think that’s pretty funny. Either way, we already did so I doubt we will again.

Fey takes off her dress and slips under the covers without a word. I do my nightly routine and then take off my makeup before taking off my dress. “You’re pretty,” Fey smiles.

“I’m not the only one.”

Fey giggles and gets under the covers. “You want to get in?”

Freyja wraps her legs around me when I join her. We stare at each other with no words but they aren’t needed. Her pupils are dilated like she’s on ecstasy. If Fey ever lies and tells me she never liked me, this is proof that she does. I wonder if mine is the same. Fey pecks me in the lips forcing me to respond with one of my own. Retaliates with a few seconds of a kiss and a bite on my lower lip. “You’re so wonderful,” I tell her. “You’re the best part of my life.”

“And you’re the same in mine.”

Her words somehow feel fake. It’s not what she said, that was real but it’s like there is something she isn’t telling me. It’s better to say that her words feel like they’re in pain then they are fake. “Are you seriously okay? You have been acting strange for a few days now.”

“I’ll tell you in the morning, okay? This sentence was clearly pain. “I just want you to trust me.”

“I will always trust you.”

“Thank you,” Fey smiles and kisses me. “Grass is really uncomfortable compared to bed, isn’t it?” She giggles. “If you’re up for it, I want to try new things here.”

“I didn’t know you were that suppressed,” I laugh and Freyja joins in. “I’m really glad that you’re getting more comfortable. You’ve really grown so much these past few months. I’m really proud of you.”

Fey takes hold of my hand and moves much closer and gets her arm around my neck to hold me. Our foreheads are practically touching as we look down to our bodies. “Can I confess something?”

“What is it?”

“I think you saved my life. I was never suicidal but if you let me continue the path I was walking, I don’t think I would have recovered.”

She makes me smile with her words. Fey may not have saved my life but she’s a big reason why I wake up in the morning now. I think I trust Fey with my life now. There are a lot of things I haven’t told her. “Did you know that I can’t trust another straight guy. The only ones I trust is my brother. I can’t talk to one without imagining that they’re gonna rape me. I know that it’s silly to think that.”

“Only a little bit.”

“I can’t even have anything resembling a penis inside me without me feeling disgusted,” I pause. I think I’m ready to tell her. “I ran away from home because my dad was raping me.” I feel Fey shake. I want to know what she feels but I can’t tell. It’s a little bit of everything. “I tried to kill myself then. I was rescued however but by the only person worse than my father. I was kept in this restaurant's basement when he would fuck me sometimes. Sometimes he made me clean, sometimes he would hurt me because he was bored. Andrew eventually found me and saved me. That’s what happened.”

I lift my head up a bit and look at Fey. She’s crying for me. “I’m sorry,” She wants to say more but can’t. I kiss her forehead and move her head towards my chest. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m sorry for telling you, but I trust you with this and I wanted to let you know who I am.”

“Thank you,” Those words were more painful than the last. “I love you, Sara. This isn’t fair.” Even in the context that doesn’t make sense especially the pain I feel she’s having.

I can only guess, but I think I get it. Fey is conflicted again on whether she truly wants to be with me. I know she does but her religion doesn’t let her and it’s bothering her again. This time I’ll just wait until she tells me in case if I’m wrong. I wouldn’t want to have a stupid misunderstanding.

“It’s okay, Fey.”

Freyja Elledge moves to get on top.

May 18th, 2014

She asks me to take her to Darkwood Hill before taking her home. Again I can’t guess the occasion. Freyja walks much faster up the hill and waits for me with her back towards me. She stares towards the forest. “I’m sorry,” she says so weakly that I can barely hear her.

“For what?” I shrug.

Fey turns around and there are already a few tears coming down from her. I take a step back because I’m just so confused. “I’m so fucking sorry!” Fey breaks down and I rush to her to hold her.

“Fey...you did nothing wrong.”

She manages herself to calm down a bit and break my hold. “I told my parents about us,” she sobs. “I can’t be with you anymore. I’m sorry.” Freyja breaks down again. This time I can’t hold her, I’m stunned.

I’m shocked so I don’t know how to feel. “Bullshit. You don’t have to listen to your parents.”

Fey nods frantically. “I do, I do, I do!” she sobs. “They’re gonna take everything I have if I don’t. They’re gonna kick me out on my birthday!”

This is why she’s been acting so odd. This is why she wanted me all to herself last night. I can’t process this right now. I just look around with my eyes trying to figure it out. “You’re not serious…”

“I’m so fucking sorry! I love you so fucking much! I don’t have choice and I don’t want to do this but-”

“Stop! I don’t want to hear it.”

“I have to break up with you.”

“STOP!” The shock is gone. I can cry now. “You don’t have to do this…”

Fey shakes her head. “I don’t want to! I have to…”

“Why?!! Why is religious so important to your family that it doesn’t let us be together?! As I stand, my world is falling apart. I know her parents wouldn’t approve but to go so far to kick her out? Being gay is not a sin! It’s fucking 2014 why the fuck is this an issue?! FUCK!

“It just is,” Fey calms down again only to make room for tears. “I tried to reason with them but they’re too closed-minded. I spent the past two weeks trying to decide what I wanted. I’m so sorry, Sara. I can’t give up the life my parents worked so hard for me to have.”

“Can’t we be friends instead?”

“No...It’s not you they don’t approve of. It’s me.”

I don’t feel my heart beating. Is this how it feels to be dead, where I can’t feel anything? “So what am I? I was just a toy for you to play around with until you got in trouble?!”

“Of course not! I love you, I will always love you.”

Fuck God if he’s taking away Fey from me. What kind of deity disapproves of something she doesn’t have control of. “Fuck you, Fey. You shouldn’t have let me fall for you if you were just going to do this.”

“I didn’t want to fall in love with you either! But I did and now I’m breaking both our hearts. You don’t think this hurts me too?!”

Freyja’s tears have stopped but mine haven’t. Is this how a broken heart feels like? I always thought the whole feeling like my heart is being ripped in two was always fake. It’s real and it’s worse. It’s not being ripped in half, it’s repeatedly getting cut in the middle until it separates.

I’m such a piece of shit.

I don’t deserve to be alive.

“Fey, please don’t do this. We can make it work, you can live with me, we could-”

“Sara stop! This isn’t something I can run away from. I’m sorry but please don’t talk to me after this. It’ll be better for us.” She says this isn’t something she can run away from but she’s running away from me.

“Fey!” I yell at her but she doesn’t turn back. I run after her down the hill. “Fey!” I yell again and ankle can’t hold. Compared to the pain in my heart the pain from this fall is almost unnoticeable. I sit up and notice I’ve fallen faster than Fey has walked. She ignores me and keeps walking down. “Fey..”

I wasn’t prepared for this. I wasn’t ready for this.

May 21st, 2014

I’ve graduated.

It means nothing. I want to die. The leftover antidepressant pills don’t do shit. Grace tries to cheer me up every day but it never works. Virginia wants to send me back to Dr. Fonseca but I refuse every time she asks. I just want to talk to Fey one more time. She has ignored me everytime I tried. At lunch, she sat with Amanda and her friends. She truly couldn’t be with me.

Fey is beautiful as ever as her name is called up for her diploma. I didn’t even want to come here but Virginia forced me. Fey stands next to everyone else where the principal will announce that these group of kids are the class of 2014. Andrew is called up and I follow right next to him. As we stand with everyone else I keep glancing over to Fey who doesn’t even glance back. I hope she’s as much pain as I am.

Once everyone is called up, the valedictorian is called up to make a closing speech. Andrew was supposed to be up there but passed it up. He didn’t want to be the center of attention.

And so, I’m not in high school anymore.

Andrew has been packing things into his backpack all afternoon. He’s running away too. I don’t want him too, but I can’t stop him. He’s going to tell Virginia. I’m too numb to care.

Andrew gathers the four us into the living room. The first thing he says is “I’m sorry for taking advantage of the home you have given me, Virginia.”

“You don’t have to apologize. Is this why you wanted to talk about?

Andrew shakes his head. He apologizes to Grace next to what he’s about to say. Andrew starts to Virginia what he did to Grace two years ago. This time it’s the full story.

Andrew invited Grace to an underground rave because he thought it was funny to corrupt her and make her lose her innocence and naivety. He gave her ecstasy only to leave her alone unsupervised for hours while he partied and fucked some girl. Grace caught the two in the rain and asked to go home. When they were in the car ready to go, Andrew took advantage of her. Grace opened the door to try to escape but Andrew got on top of her and wouldn't let her go.

Grace told us she wanted it at this point and was angry at Andrew that he didn’t. Andrew doesn’t tell Virginia this.

Andrew only go the point where his head touches her thigh. That’s when he stopped and Andrew apologizes again.

Watching Virginia's face go from curiosity to nervousness to horror was fascinating to watch. Finally, she gets pissed. I’ve never her seen her pissed off even when Andrew would do some dumbass shit. Virginia yells, “Is this true, Grace?!!”

Grace nods with shames. She’s scared.

“Andrew get the fuck out of my house until I have time to think through all this!! Grace! Upstairs to my room now!” Gracie doesn't even blink as she rushes upstairs. “Sara, make sure your brother leaves. He’s not welcomed back until I say so!” Virginia leaves to talk to Grace.

Andrew looks apathetic. He was expecting this. He grabs the backpack he packed and heads over to the door. “Take care of yourself, Sis. I’m never coming back.”

“Andy, wait!” I stop him as he opens the door. “You’re never coming back?”

“Yeah, this town has nothing for me anymore and you heard the lady, I’m kicked out.”

“Where are you going?”

“New York. I’m being selfish but I don’t think you’ll ever see me again. You have proven to me that you can take care of yourself now. I’m sorry things didn’t work out with Jana, but I know you’ll live through it.”

“No, wait!” I run up. There’s no way I’m losing my brother, my best friend too. “What about Lyle? What if he comes back, who’s gonna protect me then? What if I can’t live without you?”

Andrew chuckles, “You never have to worry about Lyle again. He got arrested, remember? And you’re strong enough to live without me, this is why I’m leaving. You don’t need me anymore. Nobody does. You asked me why I’m such an alcoholic. It’s because there’s a difference between being lonely and being alone. Sara, you’re never going to be alone in your life. I’m both. I’m not worth shit; all I do is cause trouble. I’m a fuck up. You don’t need me, nobody needs me. That’s why I’m leaving.”

Andrew takes his first steps to the outside. He’s actually leaving me. He says I’ll never be alone but why do I feel so alone, like I’m always on my own. I can’t deal with this. I’ve been losing so much when I had everything I could ever need.

Do I really deserve to never be happy?

Am I destined to never conquer this depression?

I’m so sick of this shit. I don’t want to feel like this again.

I want to die.

I take out the cigarette I’ve been holding for so long and light it and take a drag.

End of Part 1