No specific day

I think we’re in a relationship. We haven’t talked about it or anything close, but I think we’re together. She likes to come over and talk about things that don’t matter. When things do matter, I get to learn about her and I care about her a little bit more. Then we’ll kiss for a few minutes and then cuddle in my bed as we watch a movie or two. We haven’t actually had sex, but I haven’t really had the urge to.

When Fey is around I’m reminded of the good things in life. When she isn’t, being alone is the worst pain ever. I’m good at hiding it from my family but sometimes it gets hard. Dr. Fonseca made me feel worse for making me remember. I want to tell Andrew because I think he still sees mom in that light. But if tell I’m shattering this image he has of her. She’s the only reason why he’s still a decent person and I can’t image what he would do if I took that away. So I’ve chosen not to tell him and I’ll live protecting him.

But the pain is there so I’m forced to start taking my pills again. They make me feel numb and Freyja notices and tries her best to ignore it. It’s hard to ignore what I did to my mother as well. It’s been weeks and I still haven’t gotten over it. I’ve tried talking to Dr. Fonseca about it so maybe I’ll have this moment of clarity and move on, but she focused on Fey that entire session despite my wishes. I’m not sure what her plan was if she wasn’t going to fix it.

There’s this day where I’m unable to leave my room. I’m left alone while everyone is going to school. Fey immediately takes notice and I lie to her that I’m feeling sick. When I spend my days at home it isn’t a break or something I use to relax. I lay in my bed all day with the curtains blocking the sun and try to sleep as much as I can. I always fade in and out making time pass much faster but when I’m away it moves twice as slow. I like to lay in silence and when it gets unbearable I play music until it annoys me. I keep swallowing pills in hopes that it’ll make me normal, but it doesn’t matter.

Fey calls me out on my lie. She says Andrew told her that I was too depressed to get up so she’s coming straight after school. If she’s coming over then I’ll need to take a shower. Laying in bed all day isn’t really good for hygiene. I can muster enough energy for this.

Surprisingly, the shower helps more than I thought and I’m able to walk around the house. After I make breakfast I head by to my room but I’m stopped when I notice Grace’s room is open. I haven’t really talked to her much lately. I’ve been neglecting her because I was too busy with Fey. Her room hasn’t changed even though Grace has since I first met her. I lay in her bed to fall asleep again. There was a time where I could tell Grace almost everything and now we barely talk outside of school. I remember there were nights where Grace would come to my room to sleep with me because she would get nightmares of Elizabeth. This is where we shared our secrets.

I place my hand on the pillow so I can better support my head and I feel a plastic bag. I get up and pull the bag out. It’s cocaine. Why does Grace have cocaine? I instantly think Andrew gave it to her, but even he wouldn't do that to her. The more I stare at it the more enamored I get. It’s been so long since I had a taste. I’ve been this strong for so long and I should be proud but I just can’t right now. I cut a line out in the bathroom and stare at it long enough to drown out the voice in my head telling me not to.

I break the promise I made to Virginia when I first started to live here. I stand there staring at myself until enough time passes and the coke kicks in. It’s like a kick to the chest and everything becomes intense. It’s just like how I remember and even better. It’s just like the first time I did it. I feel like a queen and nothing can stop me. I do another line because once you’re on it, you want to to keep the snowball rolling.

By now school has ended and I hide the bag back under the pillow and go to my room. I use the concentration from the coke to practice more of the guitar and I start to feel less numb and more like a human. Time resumes back to normal.

Fey comes over before Grace or Andrew. She doesn’t notice that I’m high or at least doesn’t care. We don’t say anything as we go to my room together where she starts to kiss me to make me feel better. Somehow it feels fake. “You should have told me you were depressed. I would have skipped school to be with you.”

“It’s fine, you wouldn’t have helped much.”

“Oh,” she frowns, “are you okay?”

“I’m doing better, thanks.”

“What’s going on? Is it back?”

I don’t want to lie. It’s the drug that makes me feel confident enough that I don’t have to. “It has for a while, I just haven’t said anything.”

“Well, what’s going on, why?”

Do I tell her that I let my mom die? I feel like I can. Wait, I want to try something. I want to revisit that day. I feel like I can take it on head on now. Hopefully Fey can understand where I’m coming from.

From what I can understand, Fey was also depressed but it was due to her own conflict after Eli’s death. I pulled her out and became the light in her darkness and she’s back to normal now. I, however, have been feeling like this since mom died, maybe even before. Fonseca said that depression can sometimes be genetical. If my mom killed herself because of it then maybe I got it from her as well. This is the reality that I have come to understand and like Fonseca said, I’ll always live with it forever. Now I want answers because I just don’t understand. My father would know.

Now I stand here in front of Freyja and I want time to stop. I feel detached as I sit. I think it would be best if I was left to be forgotten that way there will be no backlash. The days will pass and life would move on. I’m a sinner but even sinners deserve better. I’m high on cocaine and I wait for me to come down so I can try to beat this depression once more because I know now that cocaine can only mask it for so long.

“Sara?” Fey asks. She’s concerned for me to even though she shouldn't. She shouldn’t associate with me because I’ll end up destroying her in the end like everything else I do. I know now that it was a mistake thinking it was a good idea to fix her. It makes me fucking sick that she chose to stick around.

I decided to tell everything to Fey. Reliving the memories is less painful this time around but they still sting. I remember the ways my mother would hit me because I wouldn’t listen. She would force me to do the dishes until my fingers wrinkle and would hit me because I didn’t do it right no matter how well I did. Mom would call me ugly and useless and leave to sleep without dinner. My dad would try his best to defend us because he somehow always chose her side. My father wasn’t a bad person until Mom died, that’s when he slowly broke down year by year. I think he tried to help Mom the best he could by being patient but it ultimately left me scarred for life. Ultimately it wouldn’t matter because my father would hurt me more than anyone ever will.

Even now I relapse to cocaine I’m more concerned about myself than Grace who is the one I should yell at. Instead, I’m the one who is punishing herself. I don’t tell Fey this even though I think this and I get angry because I couldn’t be more selfish. Fey is better off without me because I still choose to hide things from her even though Fey has told me everything about her.

But Fey doesn’t care and holds me anyways and tells me, “It’s okay.” I hate that phrase. It’s nothing but a lie and a waste of breath. However, Freyja has become more confident now that she’s accepted who she is and takes initiative. Her lips take like peaches and I’m instantly hooked by the bait. My doped up brain decides it would be a good idea to take off her shirt even though we’re in the living room. “Let’s go upstairs,” she says.

I shake my head and tell her, “No, I want this now.”

“Okay.”

Because coke releases a shit ton of dopamine it makes Fey even more pleasurable to enjoy. Touching her, biting her neck and grabbing hold of her breast comes very close to ecstasy for me. I couldn’t imagine what this would feel like on MDMA and I honestly wouldn’t mind trying it. Her moans excite me and give me goosebumps so I push her down so I can get on top of her.

The front door open and Andre and Grace walk in. Fey doesn’t hear them and they look at me for a second. Andrew raises an eyebrow and gives me a thumb up while Grace covers her mouth with her hands. Andrew takes Grace’s hand and drags her outside to leave us alone. Fey doesn’t see or hear this or maybe she did and just doesn’t care like I don't. Now the only one I have to worry about is my adoptive mother but she wouldn’t come home before 7.

I take Fey’s lacy blue bra off and admire her breasts for a second. Even without a bra on, they’re still bigger than mine and better shaped. I bite down her nipple to see if she likes it and I think she does as she gasps. Fey asks me to take off my shirt and I comply and she grabs my right tit from under my bra. She doesn’t have a clue of what to do but I guess I’m in the same boat. I’ve only had sex with one other girl and I barely remember it. I actually have no idea what I’m doing and let the drug and instinct kick in.

Fey bites my neck quite hard and it equally makes me excited as mad. I play with breasts for with my mouth as I slowly move my hand towards her jeans. Fey pulls my head down to her lips with both of her hands like she can’t resist me. I finally break her barrier and unbuckle her jeans so I can move my hand down there. Fey arches her back in pleasure and I get under her underwear. “Wait, wait, wait, wait,” she stops me and I pull my hand out.

“What’s wrong?”

“I-I never done this before. I’m still a virgin, Sara.”

That’s right, she told me she lied about fucking Connor and that other guy to keep up appearances. “Okay, I’ll stop.”

Fey shakes her head furiously. “I want this. There’s no going back. Ju-just be careful.”

“Don’t be afraid and tell me to stop if you don’t like something. I don’t want to hurt you, Fey,” I kiss her as I move my hand back down.

Fey is warm and wet. She’s excited and gives me this great gasp as my fingers enter. I decide to go slow as I think it’s best for a virgin although I know nothing about lesbian sex. At most I can only use myself as a reference. Her jeans make it hard to move and I think Fey realizes this because she takes it off for me. Fey doesn’t take her eyes off me as I move and she bites her lips in between gasps and moans. I try my best to feel every each of Fey’s body with my lips as they slowly make their way into her pussy. I take my hand out and Fey grabs hold of my hair when I kiss her there. Once again, Freyja arches her back in pleasure. This is something I’ll remember forever.

I take my bra off and pull down my pants as I let Fey take over. I remember very little with my first time with that girl but the pleasure was faintly there. Everything before that was fake moans and disgusting penises entering my body. But Freyja knows even less than I do but it’s a hundred times better than any other guy before her. Even though she’s awkward and loses rhythm it doesn’t matter because it feels real. There are emotions behind her actions and she shows me that she cares. Fey is adorable when she looks away embarrassed when I smile at her. “Do you want to try going down?”

“I’ll suck at it, you wouldn’t like it.”

“There’s only one way you’ll learn. Besides, you’re amazing and wonderful. I just want us to experience each other.”

“Sara,” she gulps. “I love you.”

This is the second time she says it. I want to say it back but Fey doesn’t wait and moves her head down. She imitates me by kissing me and then my mind explodes. She’s better than she thought she would be but I don’t tell her that. Instead I let out fucks and oh god’s with moans and gasps because I have never experienced anything like this. Fey gets a bit of confidence even though she stays awkward and I think that makes it even better.

Freyja is such an amazing girl I can’t believe I regretted becoming her friend. I’m an awful person who doesn’t deserve her but at least I get to enjoy everything about her for now. I thought I was supposed to help her but instead, she is the only light in my darkness.

One day she comes over crying because her father was diagnosed with cancer. I let her cry in my arms as she lets everything out. Even with Fey in my arms I still feel a bit apathetic so it becomes hard for me to show empathy. I try my best because I actually do care but this depression still hasn’t gone away.

Fey says, “Thank you for everything you have done for me. You’re honestly the best person in my life right now and I don’t want you to ever leave. I was living in this world of darkness and you managed to be the light in it. You shine bright.”

I kiss Fey in her peach flavored lips and tell her, “I love you.”

It’s too soon but I can’t delay it any longer. Fey makes my heart burn when she takes her time to respond to my messages and makes my heart melt whenever she does something cute and simple like smiling. She’s someone I daydream growing old with.

Fey’s eyes widen with happiness when those words come out of my mouth, “I want to be your light in your own darkness. I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re alone ever again. I’m yours and God cannot rip me away from you. I’ll make you strong like you made me.”

“I want to take you somewhere special, somewhere very important to me,” I tell her. She’s been there before but I don’t think she knows the meaning of this place. It’s already dark out so it won’t be tonight but I want her to know what this treehouse means to me.

“Where?”