March 29th, 2014

Sara is perhaps the strongest person I have ever met.

Sara is perhaps the perfect person I needed in my life. I’ve been living with this void for so long that I’ve forgotten what friendship felt like. It’s been so long that I appreciate all the little things she does for me; whether it is buying me an energy drink from time to time or just walking me to class. Then there’s her brother. He’s not the person I remember him to be and Sara is right. For some odd reason, he protects me from Amanda and her goons far more efficiently than my own brother. I think it’s because my brother is worried about being liked and Andrew doesn’t. Grace is wonderful as well. She’s too nice for her own good and I don’t think the girls she hangs around with are a good influence on her. I would know, I used to be in Grace’s shoes. Isaac is charming and quiet. His fights with Andrew during lunch are always entertaining. They all welcomed me with open arms so now I’m in this friend group after being a ghost for months.

No one’s gladder than my parents. It’s still hard for me to leave my room but I see them more often which I think makes them happy. They still try to convince me to go to church with them and I always tell them no. Hopefully, they know I need a little bit more time to sort myself out.

The thing is that I’m being torn apart. I was born and raised to have a certain view and beliefs that I still agree with. I don’t think that will ever change no matter how much I look into it. On the other hand, my own body and heart tell me otherwise. I’m always excited to see Sara as she always makes me laugh and smile. Everything I felt for Elizabeth, I feel for Sara and it’s only getting stronger by the day and I’m so afraid. This alone is tearing me apart. My parents believe I’m having a phase but if they were to learn that I love this girl, I couldn’t image how they would react. This is why I can’t have faith in God just yet. I have to purge these feelings from me.

My brother Alex is the only one I can talk to about this. He’s quite smart so I don’t think he ever questions my friendship with Sara. This is what we talk about as we both walk together around the mall as we shop for new clothes.

Alex says, “I don’t know, Fey. Why don’t just stop being friends with her? If you really want it to go away, that’s the only way.”

“That would be too painful.”

“Then stop believing in God in general and be with Sara. Stop letting this construct get in the way of your desire,” Alex stops walking forcing me to turn around to talk to him. “You’re dressing like a girl again because of her, you buy new clothes because of her, and you not a hermit anymore because of her. Be with her.”

“Alex, are you hearing what you’re saying? Dad will have your head.”

“No, I know where my faith is but that doesn’t mean it’s yours. You know I don’t care if you’re a lesbo, why would I care what you believe in.”

“Don’t you think you’re oversimplifying it?”

Alex starts walking again. “Aren’t you overthinking it?

“Okay,” I gulp down a lot of saliva down my throat. “What would you have me do? What do you want me to do?”

“Honestly? Break things off with Sara and kill the feelings for her. You know it’s wrong to be a lesbian. But it’s your decision and I’m fine with either.”

Can’t there be a middle ground? I know there is. I read about them except God will never accept me. This bothers me as I start to shop for things at H&M. My brother goes to the men’s section and leaves me alone.

I really do wish things were simple.

“And now you’re thinking of what I would tell you?” She comes out again. It’s been a while. “Yeah, it has. You haven’t needed me.”

“I don’t need you anymore.” I look around to make sure no one’s around. It wouldn’t be good be seen in public talking to myself. I pull out some headphones with a microphone and put them in so I can at least pretend to be on a call.

“Then why am I here?”

“Tell me then. What do I do?”

She laughs, “You already know the answer,” I don’t. “You do,” but I really don’t. “You just won’t accept it,” She’s right.

“Then...do I just throw all of it away?

“Sometimes it’s good to do new things.”

“Right, because that ended so well for you.”

“Bitch, shut up. This isn’t about me, it’s about you.”

“I still haven’t forgiven you.”

“You mean you still haven’t forgiven yourself.”

I rip the headphones off my ears before I can think. “Fuck!” I unintentionally yell. It grabs the everyone’s attention, even my brother who stops what he was doing to come to talk to me. I put back the shirt I was holding and move on to another section.

“You okay?” My brother asks when he gets to me.

“Yeah, sorry.”

He shrugs and leaves again.

“You know something that you never told me?” She asks. “You never told me what you wanted in life. Your hopes and dreams.” She stands behind me like always. When I turn around to see her she’s nothing a but a ghost and disappears to get behind me again.

“You never told me yours.”

“That’s because I never knew. That’s why I was so scared.”

“Is it true?”

“Hmm?”

“That you killed someone?”

“I don’t know something you don’t, Fey. But I think you already know by the way I was acting that night at the church.”

“Why?”

“That’s something I took to the grave.”

“I miss you.”

“I know.”

I take a deep breath and disappears. There are a few things in my hand that I’ve picked out to try on. In the dressing room, I take a look at my half-naked body. It’s different than I remember. I’m no longer ugly. I don’t think I ever was, but I was just in the wrong mindset. I get an urge to touch myself but I manage to quell it down. Gosh, I hate myself for being like this.

I decide I look cute in everything I try on so go ahead and buy everything. With that purchase, Im only left with enough money for food. That’s what we do after the store and after that, we head home.

Mom and Dad are in the church like always Alex offers for me to come with him to help out. I decline. Instead, I stay home all day staring at walls and watching them dry. I think that’s how it goes. This goes on until I finally decide to text Sara to ask if I could come over. I didn’t even know it was close to nine and my parents were already home. I think I made up my mind though.

“Where are you going this late, honey?” Mom asks as I try to sneak out the front door.

“My friend’s house. We’re gonna watch a movie.”

“Fey, it’s raining outside and it’s too late,” she says but I don’t listen. It is raining, when did it start to rain? I hate it when I don’t notice these things. “Fey! Get back inside and let me or your dad drive you!” She yells as I cross the street.

Luckily Sara doesn’t live too far away. My dad calls a few times on the way and so does my mom but I ignore everything. Truth be told, Sara said it was too late for me to come over but I’m still doing it anyway. All the lights are off in her house except for the guest bedroom which is Andrew’s. I’m soaked but it doesn’t matter as I knock on the door. No one comes after a minute so I ring the doorbell. The living room light comes on and then Virginia opens the door. I have never met her or seen how she looks likes. She’s beautiful and young and I see the Grace in her.

“May I help you?”

“Is Sara home?”

“Come inside, you’re soaked,” Virginia gets ’s out of the way for me. “Don’t worry about getting the floor wet. I’ll get some clothes for you and get Sara down for you. Stay here,” she says.

Sara comes down first, “Are you stupid? Why didn’t you get your parent’s to drive you?” I ignore all of that because I’m just glad to see her.

“Sara, take her to the bathroom so she can change. I have to clean up the mess,” she hands Sara the clothes.

“Yes, Ma’am. Follow me, Fey.”

“I’m sorry I came unexpectedly.”

Virginia just sighs and rolls her eyes. I don’t think I made the best impression but again I don’t mind. “Jesus Fey, I told you it was too late.”

“I don’t care.”

This makes Sara laugh as she opens the bathroom door. I go inside and change as fast as I can. The bra doesn’t quite fit right and I she didn’t give me panties but that’s okay. The clothes I’m wearing are clearly Virginia’s as Grace would be too small. “You’re an idiot,” Sara says again when I open the door.

“I know.”

“Come on. Let’s go to my room.”

I follow Sara upstairs and I get a flashback of when I tripped here and Sara landed on top of me. I want that again. I thought she was gonna take me right there and I was gonna let her. That’s why I didn’t do or say anything. “What were you doing?” I ask when Sara opens the door. This is the second time in her room. The first time I couldn’t get a good look at it because I was so hungover. Sara turns on the lights and I get to observe everything. It’s much more decorated than mine. There are about three times as more poster than mine and there are plushies and books everywhere. It looks like any other room, but this is Sara’s, so it’s special. “Practicing,” she says. I get the feeling Sara is more annoyed that I’m here than excited. Maybe I made the wrong choice.

“Practicing what?”

Sara points to an acoustic guitar next to her bed that I missed. “I’ve been really into it. I think I’m getting good.”

“Really? You never told me that.”

“Well, it was just a hobby until last week. Watching Emmah played inspired me to get really good. I’ve been learning a lot.”

“Can you show me?”

Sara giggles. Whenever she does that void in my heart flickers away. “Okay. Sit down, but don’t judge.”

I sit next to her on her bed as she got ready to play. I’m in a movie right now where this is where I take advantage of the opportunity. I listen to her play. She’s pretty good, better than I thought she would be actually. Her fingers are delicate with the strings and she’s pouring everything she has into the music. Of course, I can’t compare it to anything professional but Sara could definitely do something with this if she tried.

The song is short so Sara ends it, “How was it?”

I could kiss her right here and it would be perfect. I want to, but I don’t because I get scared. I’ve done it before but this time I want to go further with it. “It was really good. You’re talented.”

“Thank you, I’ve been working really hard on it.”

“Sara?”

I made my choice. Damn everything else. Sara is leagues above everyone I ever met. I know she likes me back and that’s all I need. I may even be in love with her. If I do this, there isn’t turning back and I have to stick with this choice. Once I kiss her and tell her I want her, there will be no God.