February 14th, 2014

Freyja Elledge knocks on the door. She wearing the exact same black dress she did when she came over two weeks ago. Fey warned me beforehand that this is the only thing nice she had and didn’t want to tell her parents she was coming to this thing. This is what she’s forced to wear because of it but I told her it was fine. There are only three people that know she’s worn that pretty dress before.

Andrew and Grace greet her as they go outside to the car so they can wait for us. They’re going together. Mostly because Grace couldn't get a date and because no girl wants to get near Andrew anymore. At least that what he says. I know the truth. There’s still a bunch of girls wanting to fuck him but now I know he doesn't do anything about it because of this Jerrica girl he refuses to talk about. The only other Jerrica I know is Emily’s sister but that’s not even an option I’ll consider. I have been wrong before but Jerrica isn’t the type of person to fall for my brother. He’s a drunk a drunk that gives us alcohol in the car. Everyone accepts although I stop him from drinking as he’s driving.

I haven’t been to any school dances so I don’t know what to expect. I’ve seen plenty of movies romanticize the idea where this where change happens and people fall in love or get in fights. This is a night to remember and therefore it is an important one. I wonder if this is true for me and Freyja but I doubt it. Real life is more complicated than that.

People don’t pay attention to us when we walk in. A teacher handing out the tickets doesn't even recognize Freyja. Andrew immediately leaves us to whatever he does. Grace excuses herself to join her friends and leaves me alone with Freyja. I didn’t expect this to happen this fast so Freyja and I just awkwardly watch people dance without saying a word to each other. Luckily after a while, Andrew comes back with two cups of punch and hands them to us. I take a sip, vodka, unsurprisingly. Freyja chugs her down as fast as she can. I’m forced to do the same when a teacher comes up from behind Andrew. “Mr. Mera, I wasn’t expecting you to come tonight.”

“Life is filled with disappointments, isn’t it?” Andrew claps back.

“Well I hope you don’t do anything to ruin everyone’s fun,” he eyes the cups in our hands. He probably suspects something but he has no proof as of now. Andrew spiked these specific drinks, not the whole bowl.

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” he smirks.

“Andrew, can you get me another drink?” Freyja says.

Andrew nods and heads back. The teacher turns his attention to Freyja. “Who are you? This is a student only event.”

“Freyja,” I answer.

“Who?”

“It’s Jana. Jana Kramer?” Freyja responds in a sassy manner. “Freyja is my real name and now my preferred name, get it right.” I can tell she’s a bit buzzed or at least tipsy. She’s too shy sober to act like this.

“Oh right, enjoy your night.”

We’re left alone for a second again and we do the same thing and not talk to each other. Perhaps yesterday should have never happened. Yes, the kiss felt amazing and game-changing but I don’t think it was the right time for it. She said didn’t want to be like this, she wants to forget about it. She’s hiding, but that’s okay, she needs times. It doesn’t matter if we don’t end up together, I don’t think that's the point of trying to help her. Freyja needs to be comfortable with who she is, whoever it is.

Andrew comes back and Freyja doesn’t hesitate to drink the cup in one go again. This time she coughs. Andrew leaves as soon as he came and I really wish he didn’t. It’s too awkward for me to deal with it. I have no idea what to say. Unfortunately, I say the first thing that pops up in my mind. “Why don’t you like being called Jana anymore?” I think that was good though.

“Because that’s not who I am anymore.”

I don’t get it. “I don’t get it.”

“Do you even know who gave me that name in the first place?” She pauses to let me answer but I think I know so I don’t have to say it. I don’t even have to think about it to know. Part of me wants to know how a Christian girl like her became friends with the queen of Mickle Ray High, the queen of Darkwood.

“Sorry I asked.”

“No, it’s fine. You wanted to know.”

I feel awful. In my head, I really start to doubt if it was really okay to interfere with her life. It’s a good thing though, she wants me here. I hate this burst of random insecurity. I’m lucky I’ve gotten better or else the negative thoughts would spiral out of control. I’m just lucky that hasn’t happened in a long, long time. Those thoughts tend to end up in strong suicidal thoughts. Freyja must surely get the same.

“Sorry about yesterday,” she says. “I didn’t know what got over me. Hope you can forgive me.”

“Of course.”

We spot Bo the photographer taking pictures of the dance for the yearbook. He tries to take a picture of us but I flip him off, rendering the photo useless. The video he posted is now merely an afterthought for everyone, but I haven’t forgotten it. Freyja sure as hell hasn’t forgotten it because she slaps Bo in the face when he gets close to get another photo. “What was that for?”

“You should have let her have rest instead of using her to promote yourself, dick!”

“Wow, fuck you, Jana,” Bo scowls and leaves.

“Nice job, I really wanted to do that myself.”

Freyja shugs, “I’m going to try to be a normal girl tonight. Come with me if you want, or don’t. I don’t think these things are your style.” Wow, she reminds me of Elizabeth. I think this is how she used to be before. I mean, school dances aren’t my style but she didn’t have to say it out loud.

Now on my own, I observe the crowd. The masses all cling to the middle like a concert leaving no room to walk. Everyone who isn’t popular is in the outer circle still enjoying their time with their clique of friends. Then there are the people who just want a break or want to talk. The school gymnasium valentine’s day decoration don’t do anything to mask the sweat smell from the morning and the smoke machine make it hard to see in the front. I spot Andrew talking to some guys I think I recognize but never bothered to learn their names. Grace is with her friends from her year and I spot her move with them to the crowd.

I’m reminded that I stand alone.

I leave to go to the car so I can have a drink from Andrew’s bottle. The night’s colder than expected so I can’t stay out here for long. The forest fire still hasn’t settled down. Even though it’s several dozen miles away, I can still smell it. As I walk by, I’m stopped by Amanda and her goons. They just can’t ever leave me alone, can they?

“Oh hey, if it isn’t miss little goth girl. Never thought I would see you here,” she smirks.

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Oh, she has a mouth,” Amanda makes her friends laugh like we’re in a movie and they blindly follow her around. Shit like this pisses me off because it feels like they don’t have a brain of their own.

“It’s more than you have.” It’s not a comeback as much as I want it to be. I’m not good at these because my brother would always step in. He’s not here so I have to fight my own battle. It’s about time too. “And I got a brain too.”

“Your words are nothing more than cotton balls being thrown. You should have stayed home to cut your wrists, would have been more productive.”

“Shit Amanda, don’t you have anything better to do then to be a bitch to everyone who doesn’t like you? That’s pretty sad that you have to make yourself feel better this way.” I’m just stealing a page from Andrew’s book, but that’s all I have. I then remember something Andrew told me about Amanda.

“Nah,” she shakes her head, “I just do it for fun.”

“Didn’t Elizabeth call you out on your bullshit exactly like this? That you need constant self-validation so you feel like your worth something because deep inside you know nobody likes you? Or that you just used Elizabeth and Megan in hopes to become popular yourself? Or what about the time where actually thanked God that Elizabeth died?”

“Wait, you never said that, did you?” One of her friends says very concernedly. Good.

Amanda just scoffs it off, “Of course not. She’s just spouting bullshit. Come on girls, we have dates waiting inside.” Her saying that means I win and she can’t say anything else to defend herself with. Besides, Andrew has a video of her confessing to it, right before he fucked her too.

I can’t find anyone when I get inside so I decide to go to the courtyard commons that connects to the rest of the school. There I find Andrew talking with Grace and her friends. He’s making them laugh and I feel out of place inserting myself into the group. I don’t know them very well because I don’t share a class with anyone. The only one I know by name is Liz who comes to the house from time to time. I just listen in not saying anything because I just feel like an outsider. More or less they all share this aura of energy and mine is different and it’s repelling me. If I was artistic enough I would say they were all magnetic and I wasn’t.

I look up in the sky and I want to imagine I had a cigarette. It doesn’t work. I want to daydream that when I step inside everyone looks at me. I’ll have the whole dance floor hella lit and for once I’ll be the center of attention. It doesn’t work. I can’t daydream with the sweetness of this hellish smoke out here. I can’t stand it so I go back inside. It’s a shitty night and the alcohol refuses to kick in.

Once again I head towards the car. I can’t stand being sober right now and it’s taking way too long. On the way through I spot Bo having a smoke inside his car. I tap on his glass and he rolls down his car. It’s weed. “What do you want Sara?”

“Oh, I thought you were smoking a cigarette.”

“You want one? I have some.”

I nod and he reaches to his coat on the passenger seat to get his pack out. “Thanks,” I say once I get it.

“Do you need a light?”

“No, I have one.” I lie.

“Cool. You having fun?”

“Little bit, but I gotta head to my car for the lighter. Thanks again.” In my car, I set the cigarette down on my lap while I drink as much vodka as I can handle. Saliva floods the bottom of my mouth but I manage to keep myself together. I take a second just for myself to calm down. I’m not sure why I even feel so out of place. I guess Freyja was right.

My sight is slightly out of line when I get back to Grace and Andrew in the Courtyard Commons. I hold the cigarette in my fingers and it makes me feel better like I thought it would. Andrew is making fun of Amanda and her friends. He’s revealing the truth about them, how she’s the fake queen and there won’t be another one, not like Elizabeth. “I bet Grace can do it,” Liz laughs.

“Bitch, please,” Grace laughs.

Andrew is smiling when I look over to me. He notices and grins at me like a goofball. He signals me with a head nod to go inside and have a dance with him. It’s a valentine’s day dance so most are slow songs.

I wrap my arms around my big brother of a few minutes and the feeling of not belonging goes away. “Thank you,” I say to him.

Andrew chuckles, “Don’t be gay, Sara. I can read you like a book. Don’t thank me.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“Freyja kissed me yesterday. She’s gay and doesn’t want to be so it’s all awkward now. It’s been bothering me ever since.”

“Because you like her back but want to respect her wishes?”

I nod. If it really is that simple, it’s gonna hurt to be her friend. I’m just glad I don’t see her as someone I will fall in love with. At least I hope I don't. I’m not ready for that. “It’s not like I want to like her either. I just wanted her to break out of her shell. Like she did tonight, but she went somewhere and I can’t find her.”

“Well. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re doing just fine. She just needed a friend.”

“Hey, Andrew?” I stop dancing to look up at him. “Why do you still drink? You’ve changed so much and yet you still drink.”

Andrew smiles and forces me to move again. “I’ll tell you when you’re older.” He then turns his head towards someone. It’s Freyja and the song ends. She’s staring. “How about you teach her to dance? She refused earlier.” Andrew lets go and walks away.

I walk to Freyja. The smoke surrounds her and it makes her look absolutely stunning. “Want to dance?”

“I don’t know how.”

“Here,” the next song starts. It’s another slow one and I place her hands on my shoulders. I do the same. Freyja just stands there as I move my body side to side. She looks down at my feet, “Just mimic me.” With that, Freyja synchronizes with me although she doesn't let her stare stay off our feet. “You’ve been having fun?”

“Yeah. I’ve been talking to people,” Freyja looks up on me. She messes up her steps a bit and goes back to her feet to correct herself. “A lot of people still seem to like me.”

“Is that good?”

“I think. I also think that they don’t matter because they didn’t care about me and now all the sudden tell me how good I look. They want to hang out now that they know I’m not a disgusting human being and can dress decently. It’s all bullshit. Elizabeth was right, everything is bullshit, everyone is fake like nothing matters.”

These aren’t healthy thoughts. These are the exact same one Elizabeth told me. “People may be shit, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t good ones out there.”

“Like you? Are you’re saying you aren’t fake?”

“I hope not.”

Freyja almost laughs and looks up. “If you are then everything you’re doing is a part of a bet or because you want to fuck me. I hope it’s not of those things because I really like you as a friend.”

That makes me smile.

Freyja corrects her steps again but this time keeps her head up. “So that means we aren’t gonna kiss at the end of the night because I don’t see you that way.”

“You kissed me first.”

“I wanted to see how I felt about it.”

“And?”

“I told you already. I refuse to be gay and I plan on getting punished for my sins so I can hold God’s hand again.”

“I thought you didn’t believe in God anymore.”

“I thought I didn’t, but he brought me you at my weakest moment. How could I ever doubt him again.”

We dance in silence after that because I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I said I would accept whoever she decides to be, but for now, I will let things play out. I don’t know what she means by punishment but I hope it’s nothing too awful. The song ends but Freyja doesn’t let go of me. We start to move again when the next one starts. She alternates a lot from our feet to me while she gets used to the pace. In the meantime, I get to observe her eyes much more than I usually do. There’s something poetic about it that I can't find the words to use. I should have paid more attention in creative writing.

“What are you doing after graduation?” I ask.

“I don’t know,” She answers which is odd. Everyone in school has an answer to that whether it be school or work or a vacation. “You?”

“Community College in Seattle then hopefully I’ll transfer to a university. I don’t know which yet.”

“Neat, she giggles. “It’s good to have a plan. I’m thinking about traveling for a bit before going to school.” That’s a better answer. “Then again, I haven’t felt like doing anything in a long time.”

I hope I’m helping.

Freyja lets go when the song ends and says, “I need air.” I nod and follow her outside where I pull the cigarette from my bra to hold. Grace and her friends aren’t here anymore and neither is Andrew. We sit on one of the tables where I hold the cigarette between my fingers and pretend to smoke it. “You can’t smoke here.”

“I’m not gonna light it,” I say.

“What’s the point.”

“It keeps me calm.”

“Why?”

I wish I could answer. I can’t stand the taste so I don’t like them. In my daydream, I always have a cigarette. It’s been like this for a long time so I can’t even remember when it started. I think this is a good topic to talk to about with Dr. Fonseca. It’s weird that I haven’t ever brought it up. I stare at my death stick and say, “It’s always been like this.”

“Do you smoke?”

“No. Grace’s mom is very strict on us so I don’t do anything. I don’t even like them anyway.”

“Odd. I think it’s a miracle your brother hasn’t been kicked out.”

“Me too. I think when our father got arrested really made him calm down and reflect on himself. Like Andrew got closure or something.”

“Why did he arrested?” I stay quiet. I don’t want to answer even though it’s unfair that I know about her life and she doesn’t know about mine. “Where’s your mom?” Again, I don’t want to answer. I think this frustrates Freyja although I hope she gets the hint. “Okay, don’t tell me.” Right, she is annoyed.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay,” she says in the same sassy tone she had with the teacher. “It’s cool, you don’t have to share anything.”

“My mom is dead, I think I'm comfortable telling you that.”

“I’m sorry,” her tone switches from sass to regret. She’s kind of dense which is funny to me.

“She died ten years ago. I’m over.” I’m not. “I moved in with Grace before my dad got arrested and Virginia let him stay with us after that.”

“Can you please tell me what he did? Only if you’re comfortable.”

I don’t think I am. It’s painful enough to remember it, I don’t think I can say it out loud without Dr. Fonseca being here. “Sorry. I can’t.”

“Okay, sorry.” There’s is silence again. I feel like there is a lot of silence between us. It’s either awkward or it’s not and it’s never just us enjoying each other’s company. “I heard a lot of rumors. That’s why I’m asking.”

“What are they?” I regret saying that.

“Like last year where you disappeared for three months. People said you ran away.”

“I did. What else?”

“They said it was because Andrew or your Dad would hit you. Or that you got arrested because you killed Elizabeth. Sorry, I’m dumb. Forget I said anything.”

“It’s okay,” I laugh. “None of that is true.”

“I can see that. Andrew is very kind despite what everyone says. He’s a jerk who doesn’t stop flirting with me, but he’s kind. I don’t think he knows that.”

“Yeah, he’s a big softie inside,” I rest my head on my palm.

“You think it’s true?”

“What is?”

“That he killed someone? That Elizabeth did? Who the hell is Lyle anyways? Andrew talked about him like he’s the boogieman or something.”

I stay quiet. I don’t want to think about Lyle either. I don’t think Andrew killed anyone. He wouldn’t do that, but if it was Lyle that made him do I; that’s a different story. So yeah, Andrew killed someone and I’ll take that to my grave. “I don’t know.”

Freyja is awfully talkative. I lift my head up and realize I’m much drunker than I thought. Freyja is drunk too, that’s why she’s talking. She can’t read up on the cues. “Elizabeth talked about him too.”

“Stop!”

Freyja gets startled. “Sorry.”

“No, sorry. I didn’t mean to raise my voice.” I pretend to take a drag from my cigarette, a long one. “I’ll tell you when you’re older.” Which I mean never. “Sorry, I’m kind of drunk.”

“Same,” Freyja giggles. “Your brother gave me a lot.”

“He wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“I’m cold. I’m going inside.”

“I’ll be there in a sec, I have to take a few more hits.”

Freyja laughs and heads inside leaving me alone once again. Shit, why did she have to bring up Lyle. Why did she bring up my dad? I’m drunk so these aren’t good thoughts. I brought back into his world. The dark basement and the literal dog food. Fuck I’m worthless. Fuck I deserved it all. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Freyja has tickets to Emmah Melody Ryan.

I think about that instead.

It doesn’t work.

I think about Freyja.