January 31st, 2014

There’s a knock on the door in the middle of the night. It catches us off guard from our board game we’re playing. Both Andrew and Grace don’t know who it is but I do because I lied to Freyja. I lied and told her that I was throwing a kickback here and invited her. She’s rejected me all week but I knew she couldn’t help herself. She’s finally accepted she needs a friend.

Freyja is wearing a heavy coat to protect her from the cold. Most importantly, underneath is a black dress that stops at her knees. Her hair for the first time is actually neat and done. It’s pulled back with her bangs parted to cover her ears. She didn’t need to dress this nicely, but she did so anyway. She’s here to impress. Freyja is pretty, prettier than I remember. She’s speechless when she realizes I had lied to her and there’s nobody here. I can feel her wanting to leave but instead, she says, “You weren’t lying when you said small.”

I can’t help but to smile at her and lead her inside. Andrew and Grace didn’t seem to notice her or rather didn’t care. Freyja was biting her lip when she looked at what my brother and Grace were wearing. Andrew was in shorts and shirtless, Grace was in her pajamas. I could feel Freyja want to leave even stronger now. I think it’s weird that I can read her energy like this. “Do we have to restart for her?” Andrew says rolling the dice to move his piece.

“No. I’ll watch,” she says and then we stay silent for a while Grace and Andrew fight for the number one spot. I struggle to keep up with them. “Do you come over here often, Grace?”

“I live here, Jana,” Grace says.

“It’s Freyja,” she responds and Grace looks at her for the first time. “My real name is Freyja, and I didn’t know that. You all live together? The rumors are true?”

Andrew scoffs, “don’t talk about rumors,” he says in a sour tone. “But yeah, we live together.”

“That’s cool.”

“So what are you doing here, Frey-ja?”

“Sara invited me.”

“Obviously. Why’d you say yes.”

There are a few seconds of awkwardness. Grace continues to play her game. I give the stink eye to Andrew but nothing really helps Freyja feel more at ease. “I don’t know.”

Andrew goes back to paying attention to the game and finally manages to get the number one spot. We’ve played this game dozen of times, Grace always wins. Andrew is just a few more steps away from beating her. “Gracie, you’re about to get your ass beat.”

“Fuck off, I’m not out yet.”

“I’m not sure about that. You still got a lot of learning to do.”

I play my own game, just trying to figure out how to do better each time but this game involves math and I wasn’t ever strong at it. Freyja watches closely by my side. “Where're your parents?” She asks.

“Mom’s working till the morning, we have the place for ourselves tonight. Dad’s dead.”

In Darkwood that means to throw a house party and get fucked up. In the Ciotta house, that means to sit around and play board games all night. “You’re here,” Andrew chuckles, “Be right back.” Andrew quickly gets up and heads to his room. He comes back a few seconds later with a half empty bottle of Vodka and four glasses. “It’s what we the kids call, ‘lit’” he laughs.

“Andrew?! Were you hiding shit all along?” Grace stops the game. “How long have you had that?”

“Like a day.”

And the bottle is already half gone, probably in one night. I thought Andrew had been changing but I was right. He’s still the alcoholic I knew. If living here isn’t changing him, then nothing can I guess. But it doesn’t matter when Freyja takes one of the glasses and Andrew pours her a shot. He pours all of us a shot but Freyja is on number three when Grace and I barely finish one. Andrew matches her and laughs when he notices.

“It’s good Vodka,” she says.

“I only get the best,” My brother says, but he’s lying. It’s the same one he always gets. It’s cheap and shitty in reality but Freyja doesn’t drink much so she wouldn’t know. My brother gives her these eyes that he gives a lot of girls. The ‘I want to fuck you,” eyes. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that.

Then I’m three shots deep and feel buzzed. Freyja drinks what’s left and the game finishes with Grace somehow ended up winning. Before the next game starts, Andrew gets another bottle from his room. He sits next to Grace and Freyja forming a circle around the board. The night progressed and pretty soon I found myself unable to observe what was going around me and only in front of me. The only thing in front of me my brother and he was flirting with Freyja when I looked over at her. She’s uninterested, instead, she looks over at me and smiles.

It’s a smile.

I don’t know what I did.

Is she happy she’s here? I can’t tell. I look at her and it’s a blur. She looks happy but it could also be a somber smile. Sometimes there is no difference.

I think about my mother.

She wore those somber smiles. I couldn’t see them. I couldn’t tell the difference. I see her in the bathtub and remember the blood. I remember the blood. I remember the cuts. I remember the…

“Sara?” Freyja pulls me out. “You okay?”

It’s my turn and I haven’t moved. Andrew and Grace are talking so they haven’t noticed. This game is taking a lot longer than usual. It’s not because Freyja is an extra body, but it’s because we’re all drunk; some more than others.

Once I finish my turn I realize I’m not losing, Freyja is. She doesn’t mind because it looks like she’s having fun. Again, I can’t tell. Another round passes and I’m firmly in the lead. My drunk self-rubs my lead to my sister and brother and they don’t take it well. Andrew hates losing to me, he can’t stand it. He gets pissed and turns the tables on me and Grace the next round. He then rubs it in my face. Andrew celebrates by drinking half the bottle of vodka and I wish I was exaggerating.

“How can you drink so much?” Freyja asks.

“My throat is dead like my will to live,” Andrew laughs in his iconic annoying laughter. “I drink everyday.”

“How can you afford it?”

“The liquor store owner owes me.” This is true. I’ve been with him when he bought liquor. The owner is a old asian man who’s always happy to see him. Andrew never confessed on what he did but I heard some theories. Emily said he saved the man’s life, Cody said Andrew saved the man from Lyle.

Lyle. Shit. I start to think about him again. My kidnapper, my rapist, my master.

I look at Freyja who has her jacket off. Her dress is sleeveless and I can see her collarbone. It’s hot. It’s attractive. I want to kiss her but that would be crossing the line. She’ll never see me that way. I’m not even sure she’s gay.

Then out of nowhere, Freyja wins the game. Andrew was too drunk to outsmart us and Grace was passing out. I’m just bad at the game.

“I’m gonna take Gracie to bed,” Andrew says picking the girl up. He walks like he isn’t drunk. He comes back a few minutes later after I said nothing to Freyja. “‘Kay, now that the child is asleep, I have a question for you, Jana.”

“It’s Freyja.”

“It’s Jana, fuck off.”

“What do you want?” Jana’s tone is angry. It’s only now that it clicks on why Jana was uncomfortable. Jana blames Andrew more than anyone else. It’s confirmed that Andrew got Eli pregnant and that’s what everyone believes what happened.

“I know what Sara is doing, alright? And I’m sorry.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry I’m a dickhead. I’m sorry I fucked her up.”

“I don’t care. I’m too drunk to care,” she slurs. “I’m over it. I just want to be left alone about it, alright?”

Andrew lays down on the floor and sighs. “I’m not what everyone says I am. Or at least I’m trying, I don’t want to be that anymore.”

Andrew never talks things like this with me so I stay quiet. I’m not even here. “You’re the devil.”

Andrew laughs at Freyja or perhaps at himself, “I know.”

“How did it happen?”

“What?”

“Why did you fuck her?”

Andrew gets up and smirks, scratching his head. “She was pissed off at Cody and high off Winter. She gave into her impulses and I let her. It was at the back of this shitty toyota I like to joyride and honestly it wasn’t that good.”

“Okay,” Freyja’s voice is weak. “It’s okay.”

Andrew starts to laugh. It’s different; there’s pain. Out of the blurriness of my eyes I can see him wiping his face. Is he crying? “I um,” He stops. Freyja isn’t looking at him but she’s still listening. “I know the real reason why she, uh, did what she did.” Andrew stops as he expects her to say something but she doesn’t. There were alot of theories. Most of them are make no sense. Two do. She was pregnant or lost her mind because of the drugs. I didn’t know Andrew had another one. “She um,” Andrew stops again.

“Just say it.”

“There isn’t a single reason. I’ve thought about it for months. It was chaotic. It was overwhelming for her and nobody did anything. Then she hung around Lyle when we stopped giving her drugs. Lyle did the exact same thing he did to me.”

“Andrew what are you saying?” I finally speak up. I’m sobering up. It’s this heavy talking that’s doing it. Andrew is crying but isn’t showing it. This is the first time since our mother died that I’ve seen him do this. It’s...warming.

“When you owe Lyle, you owe him until he decides you don’t. He makes you do whatever he wants you to do. He made Elizabeth collect money that people owe him. That’s what I did.”

“Andrew?”

“Is this what she was crying about at my church?” Freyja stares at the floor.

Andrew shakes his head and wipes his eyes and shows his eyes for the first time. They’re burning red. I can feel the regret, I can feel his sadness. “She killed someone. I know it. I know because I did it too.”

What?

“You’re lying,” Freyja’s voice is hoarse, like she didn’t want to say those words.

Andrew can’t control himself. “I’m a piece of shit. It was all my fault. I’m a monster. I...I…”

“Andy, stop!” I hold his hand because I don’t know what else to do. Andrew is telling the truth. Do I call the cops? Do I tell someone? Do I tell my mother Virginia? I don’t want to. I can’t lose Andrew.

“I’m sorry, Sara. I’m sorry, Jana.” This isn’t Andrew. “Go ahead and call the cops on me. I’m going to bed.” Andrew gets up and rubs the top of my head. “Goodnight.”

Freyja and I sit in silence for minutes. I don’t believe Andrew. Andrew is messed up but he would never do something like that. That’s too much, even for him.

Andrew left the the bottle of vodka with us. There isn’t much left but Freyja starts to drink. I take the bottle away from her when I feel that it’s a bit too much and start drinking too. She watches me and giggles. “Your brother was honest. I’m thankful for that,” she slurs.

“He’s a dick. I’m sorry about that.”

“No. I needed to hear it,” Freyja says getting up to stretch. Instead she stumbles and lands on the couch and starts to laugh. She’s so much different now. I know that wall is still there but its this alcohol that weakens it. “I don’t blame anyone any more. I think it too you talking to me to realize that. I think that’s why I’m here. I want a friend.”

“I know,” I smile.

Freyja gets up the couch and yawns. “This is the first time I’ve dressed like this in months. Do you think it suits me?”

“Yeah, you look pretty.”

“Thanks,” she lays down again. “I lost faith in myself. I hate myself.”

“Why?”

Freyja shakes her head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Don’t be stubborn.”

“Why do you live with Grace? How did that happen?”

I chuckle, “It’s a long story.”

“You’re not comfortable talking about it then. I’m not stupid.”

I laugh this time because she’s right. “Yeah, I guess. I’m really glad you came tonight, even if it wasn’t what you were expecting.”

“It’s refreshing really, so I should thank you.” Freyja lays down the couch and sighs. I myself get up but in doing so gets my blood flowing and the alcohol hits me even harder. “Why did you dye your hair back black? I liked it brown.”

“Because,” I pause to get my bearings. “I’m a sad bitch who was weak enough to let the darkness take over again.”

“Darkness?”

“It’s where I live.”

“I’m sorry.”

Freyja gets up from her seat once again and struggles to stand up. She’s way more fucked up than I am so it wouldn’t be a good idea to let her leave. Come to think about it, I don’t know if she walked or drove here. “It’s getting late, you can sleep in my room and I’ll sleep with Gracie.”

“Huh?” Freyja looks over to me. She was observing the photos on the walls. “No, that’s okay, I’ll sleep in the couch. This is your house, I don’t want to be rude.”

“It’s not a big deal,” I chuckle. “Come on, I’ll show you up.” I extend my hand and she takes it. Her touch is very warm and soft but I guess that’s expected from a woman. Still, It’s good enough to note. I try to think of a reason why I have to hold her hand but I guess she’s too drunk to walk by herself.

Freyja says, “What does Gracie’s mom do to be able to afford the three of you?”

“She’s a nurse,”

“Oh, neat,” Freyja giggles. Once we reach the top, Freyja stumbles on her on foot and drags my arm down as she falls. I let go but it’s too late, I’m falling too. Freyja lands on her butt but my fall pushes her to the floor. I’m pretty sure she hit me with her knee on my stomach as it hurts pretty bad. At least we didn’t fall down the stairs.

Freyja opens her eyes and our eyes are locked onto each other, just inches apart. I’m on top of her grabbing her left wrist and my left hand is her breast. I don’t move it as I like it and Freyja doesn’t say anything. I feel her breathing getting slower then I look at her open mouth. She gulps down like she’s preparing for something. I back off when I notice her eyes close. I lift her up and help her get into my room as Freyja is unable to walk by herself anymore.

She lies completely dead in my bed as she passes out. I think I stare longer than I should. By god is she beautiful. I’ve had crushes before but this is greater than I ever felt. Freyja is truly super duper cute and I want to get on top of her. I want to have my way with her.

What the fuck? Did I actually have that thought?

Freyja moves herself to get comfortable and in doing so shows off her luscious legs. I remove her heels so she’ll sleep well but her aroma entrances me. Stop it. It’s you’re just being drunk.

It’s best that I just leave the room. I go downstairs to get her a glass of water because I know she’ll wake up at one point completely dehydrated. Once I get back upstairs, Andrew is waiting outside of his room. He’s eyes are completely red, but dry. I look over to Grace’s room only to see her lights are off.

“Are you okay?” I ask him.

Andrew smiles and nods, “Yeah. I’m sorry for saying all that shit. It wasn’t my place.”

“No, it’s okay. I think it’s good.”

Andrew scoffs and enters his room. I’m right behind him when puts on a shirt. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot. A lot that happened is my fault, isnt it?”

“You don’t have to blame yourself.”

“But I do.”

“When I almost killed Ems. Everything with Lyle. The corruption of Grace, It’s all me.”

I almost laugh. “You didn’t do anything to Grace.”

Andrew shakes his head and sits down on his bed. “I took her to a rave last year. I gave her molly and almost fucked her. I stopped myself. And here I am, living in her house and with her pretending nothing ever happened.”

“Andrew...what the fuck.”

“I know. I’m a monster.

“Did you actually?”

My brother shakes his head violently. “No! It was in the heat of the moment. I regret that I even tried. I was just so fucked up then, y’know?”

I sit next to him, afraid of him and comfortable with him. “Why are you telling me this now?”

“There’s this girl. I like this girl, she likes me back but I don’t deserve her. I’m this monster who doesn’t deserve to be happy because of everything I did.”

“Andrew, You’re not a monster,” I lie. Well, at least not anymore. He’s changed, he isn’t who he used to be. Still, he is with his demons right now. “Does she know all of this?”

He shakes his head again. “No. But once I tell her I’m sure she won’t ever talk to me again. I decided I’ll do it in person, once the school year ends and we graduate.”

“And you’re scared?”

“I’m going to tell Virginia first, then Jerrica. I’ve already decided.”

“I’ll be there with you when you do,” I hold his hand. Andrew is shivering as if he’s cold. More like he’s just scared right now. This is probably the first time he ever let his emotions out like this. No, I’m sure it is. Andrew lets his head rest on my shoulder for the first time in ages. It’s usually other way around. “I’ll always be there for you, Andy.”

“Thank you, Sara.” He says weakly. “I’ve been having dreams about Mom lately. She was an angel, wasn’t she?”

“Yeah,” I nod.

“Please remember her like that. Always.”

“Of course.”

It’s odd thing to say. Of course I still remember her like that. It’s not like she treated us bad or anything. Her suicide wasn’t anything we could have prevented. I grown past that. “I’m going to sleep now so leave. Make sure your girlfriend drinks that water.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” I say standing up.

Andrew laughs, “Don’t bullshit the bullshitter. I see the way you look at her.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Maybe you just haven’t noticed.”

“Whatever.” I leave and go to my room to drop off the glass of water. Freyja is sleeping peacefully above the covers and is hugging on my pillows. Andrew’s wrong, I have noticed. But it’s not my place. Freyja isn’t a girl who would ever see me like that. I know this. She said she wanted to kiss Elizabeth. But she has fucked at least two guys that I know of. Maybe she’s bisexual. DIdn’t she say she used to be religious?

Shit I’ve been staring too long. Her eyes are open. Shit.

I turn around to leave and give her some rest but I’m stopped when I feel her getting up. “I don’t want to sleep alone. I had a nightmare.” I turn back around and see that’s she’s only has her eyes half open. I’m not even sure if she knows who I am right now. “Please?”

“Okay.”

Freyja lies down when I get next to her. I pull the covers so she’s under them and let her wrap herself around them. She leaves me with almost nothing but that’s okay. I can still smell her and it’s entrancing me again. “Oh, sorry. I took them all,” Freyja says trying to give me some warmth but push the covers back to her.

“It’s okay. I don’t need them.”

“Thank you,” Freyja whispers after a couple of seconds. “Thank you for being so stubborn and not giving up on me like everyone else.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry for not doing anything until now.”

“It’s fine. You were right. I don’t think I could ever go through this alone,” She pauses and turns around to face me. I can barely see under all the darkness, but she’s still there. “But I don’t know how you can understand me. You say you do but I don’t believe you.”

I sigh. There’s a lot of shit I can tell her, but I’m too drunk and too tired to remember it all. I get that she wants to be able to trust me, but it’s too painful for me to admit it all again. “I almost took my life multiple times because of how shitty I felt.”

“Can you tell me?”

“No. Not yet, I don’t think I’m ready.”

“Okay,” she frowns. “I tried to kill myself a few months ago. I’m glad I failed, I wouldn’t be here If I didn’t.”

“I’m sorry that you feel like this, Freyja. It sucks, I know. But I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re still alive because I know you’re meant to be much more.”

Freyja smiles again, “You can call me Fey. That’s what my brother calls me.”

“Okay.”

“Sara?”

“Yeah?”

“Nothing,” Fey laughs. “Nevermind. I’m still drunk.”

I laugh with her too because it’s a cute laugh. I think the more I’m around her the better I can feel her if that makes any sense. At the same time the lust grows inside me and now that I’m aware of it, I can keep it at bay. “You’re wonderful.”

“What Andrew did earlier, I think I needed that. He’s not the person who I thought he was, and I’m grateful. You surround yourself with good people and I’m sorry for thinking bad of you. Thank you for being my friend.”

“Anytime.”

She’s crying. It’s nothing noticeable but I can see the little glimmer from her small tears. “My heart hurts and I don’t know why. It’s like a the piece of me that I lost is trying to come back but I won’t let it, and it’s hurting me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Did you know that I lied to everyone just to become popular? I lied to get everyone to like me and to get people to be my friend.”

“What do you mean?”

“I lied to everyone that I had sex with this guy just so everyone wouldn’t judge me for being a prude. Elizabeth was proud that she was teaching me how to be popular so I started lying to make her happy. Truth is I was this religious girl who was too afraid to sin.”

“And you’re not now?”

“I’m a disgrace to God for who I let myself become.”

“I don’t see how? You’re a good person.”

Fey turns back around and I lay on my back to stare at the ceiling. “If I told my parents, I would get disowned.”

“Is it that bad?”

“Maybe. I don’t want it to be,” Fey yawns. “I’m a monster in the eyes of God and my parents. If I tell you, do you promise to keep it?”

“Okay. I promise.”

“I fell In love with Elizabeth. I’m gay. Nobody knows and it’s eating me.”

Is that it? Part of me is happy that she is. My selfish desires tell me to kiss her now because I want her. But I don’t understand why it’s eating her up inside. It’s not a big deal. Then again, I wasn’t raised to be religious so I won’t understand. I understood that I was scared of my brother finding out, but I was never scared of liking girls. Because of this, I choose not to respond. Do I tell her I’m gay?

“Can you say something?”

“It’s not the end of the world.”

Fey doesn’t say anything back. She turns around and looks me in the eyes. There’s a brightness to her. She isn’t as sad as she was moments before. Am I really helping her this much? I’m glad but it’s going really fast. No, I’m sure it’s more complicated that this.

Fey mouths out, “I’m scared,” or at least something close to that. I feel her body move around a bit before I feel her hand grab hold of my wrist. I turn to my side to face her once again. “Can you help me?”

“Yeah, with what?” Every single part of my body is telling me to kiss her. It’s getting really hard to resist it. My mind plays this scenario where I get on top of her and force myself on her. I shut this shit down.

“I don’t know,” Fey says. With that, she closes her eyes when her hand lets go of my wrist and wraps her fingers around mine instead. “Please don't let me be alone.”

“Do you want to go to the Valentine’s Day dance with me?”

Freyja seemingly goes to sleep as she doesn’t say anything for a long time. I finally shut my eyes and when I do, they shut hard and I feel my brain shutting down for the night. The only thing I feel is Freyja fingers slowly moving to feel my hand.

Some time passes.

It feels like hours but I know it’s not true when Fey finally replies, “Okay.”