《Mourning Glory》Sara VI
Advertisement
January 27th, 2014
Freyja Elledge is walking home alone after school. She likes to walk with her head down and doesn’t look anywhere around her. This is how she normally walks. She lacks any confidence just like how I used to. Freyja is broken just like how I was. I don’t know if I can fix her. I don’t know if I can fix myself. I don’t know a lot of things but at least I could try at the end of the day.
I catch up with her by jogging next to her. Her house from what I remember is not too far from my own so it wouldn’t cause a huge delay. It’s been a few days since I talked to her so I’m curious to see how she reacts. Freyja lifts her head up to meet my eyes and let's go. “Hi,” she says weakly.
“Hey, how are you?”
“I’m fine.”
Small talk. It’s a start after how she ran away from me back in the woods on Friday. I think she’s opening up though. Whenever we catch eyes in class she tries her hardest to smile. They’re often small, but they’re there. “Do you always go home after school?”
“Yeah.”
“Want to come to the diner? It’ll be a refreshing change of pace.”
“No thank you. Amanda will be there.”
“Oh okay. Then let's go somewhere else? Any ideas?”
Freyja stops walking and looks at me. She’s examining me again just like last time before she started to cry. “I don't know.” I don’t blame her. Darkwood is a pretty boring town that doesn't have many places to go to. There’s a few fast food restaurant we could go to but no one really hangs out there to hang out. Darkwood is just like a movie town where everyone goes to one or two places. This is awkward though, I hoped she would say yes. “What about the hill on top of Darkwood?”
“Okay!”
The hill on top of the town used to be one of my favorite places to go. It’s a cliche because it’s a lot of people’s favorite but that didn’t turn me away from it. The best time to come here was with friends and get drunk so we could talk about whatever. This is how summers and school breaks would go. I still come here from time to time but it's never the same. It now holds the same somber tone that the rest of the town gives.
There is no small talk.
Once we get on top of the hill, Freyja sits dead in the middle where she can see the northwestern side of the town, past the forest and Seattle far, far in the distance. I stand right next to her because I really don't have a clue about what to do. Freyja sighs, “Do you pity me?”
“What? No.”
“Then you feel sorry for me.”
“No. That’s not it.”
“I’ve been thinking about it for the past couple of days, of why you care about me. It doesn’t make any sense. All I want is to be left alone and you keep bugging me like you’re afraid I’ll kill myself.”
There are times where I feel like people know what I’m thinking. She’s right. I am afraid she’ll do that. I’ll be responsible if she does because I did nothing and I wouldn't be able to live with that. I wonder if that’s selfish. If it is, It’s good selfishness. “I told you before. I can help you get better.”
Advertisement
“I don’t need to ‘get’ better. I’m comfortable where I am.”
“I don’t think you are.”
“You don’t know me, Sara.”
I don’t know what to say again. I feel like anything I say she will counter with something. She really doesn't want me as a friend yet she allowed me to follow her here. “I feel like you want me too, Freyja.” I finally take my seat next to her.
Freyja turns her head to me and makes a sad attempt at a smile. “Maybe,” she turns to the view again. “I do feel alone sometimes. She was my best friend, and now she’s gone. This is how I moved on from it, being alone. So I’m not lying when I say I’m fine like this.”
“It’s not good to close yourself from others. It doesn’t allow you to be open with yourself.”
“I’m fine like this Sara,” she pauses. “Sometimes. Most of the time my heart aches. I’ve been living like this for so long that when it’s not, I miss it. It’s more comforting to be in pain than to not feel.” Freyja sighs and I notice her clench the grass wrapped around her fingers.
“It feels like there is a void and you can’t explain it. There’s always a shadow around you and it weighs you down.”
Freyja rips the grass from the ground. “Yes. It’s harder to not feel than it is to be human.”
“And it gets unbearable at times because you forget how it was to be okay. Don’t think I don’t understand, Freyja, because I do.”
“I remember the smile. The way she laughed. The way she looked. I remember her words and I remember the way she cared. Now she’s gone. Now I’m sad. I’m a mess. I’ve turned away God and all I want to do is get high.”
I decide it’s best not to say anything. Freyja just stays quiet and looks out into the distance. I start to remember some words Elizabeth told me. She had a curiosity for death because she felt that life was meaningless. Whether it’s true or not doesn’t matter anymore. She got to find out and it left me wondering the same thing for a while. Freyja must feel the same way. “When was the last time you saw her?” I asked without thinking.
“At my parent’s church. She was crying. She was overwhelmed with everything. She told me everything but there was something she held back that I could sense. I managed to cheer her up and she walked me home. She told me she loved me and that I was a great girl,” Freyja looks to the sky. “I wanted to kiss her.”
“It sounds like you have a pretty good memory of her.”
“I did. Were you there when they found her?”
I shake my head. “I was there when Emily came back crying. Nobody really believed her at first except my brother who kicked everyone out. I was too fucked up to feel anything.”
“You’re a monster.”
“I know.”
Freyja looks at me again. “I didn’t find out until the morning where it was the only thing on Facebook. I thought it was a prank at first,” she almost laughs but stops herself. “I never had such a shit day. Worst day of my laugh.” Freyja breaks out into small laughter. It’s painful to hear.
“The last time I talked to her as a friend was right here. She confessed to me that she wanted to kill herself and I spun it to be about me because I thought her problems didn’t compare to mine. I think that’s why it’s fault. I could have stopped it.”
Advertisement
Freyja doesn't respond.
We sit in silence once again as a light breeze starts to kick in. I think back to that night exact. I told her my darkest secret and put the weight on the tension on me. I didn’t know she was serious, is that the crime? If I knew, would I have tried to stop her?
“You’re a good person. It wasn’t your fault. I can see that.”
Again, I don’t respond. I watch her play with her fingers as if she’s nervous. She’s uncomfortable and anxious. Freyja doesn’t want to be here anymore. “I’m throwing a party at my house on Friday. Do you want to come?”
“No.”
“It’s more a kickback, really.”
“No.”
I walk her home afterwards and Freyja goes in without a word. By the time I get home myself the sun has already set. Andrew and Grace are watching a movie together on the couch. Grace is almost laying on his lap with a blanket over her and a bucket of popcorn on top of her head, held by Andrew. They barely acknowledge me as I close the front door and head upstairs to my room. Andrew’s been in my room. His coat in on my bed with his phone laying on top of it. At most he thought I was home and threw his shit there before doing his things. It’s not uncommon but then his phone lights up from a text as soon as I pick it up to give it back to him. It’s from Jerrica who’s probably some girl who he’s trying to hook up with.
“Andrew, stop laying your shit in my room,” I throw him back his jacket but it lands on Grace’s face.
“Dude, my popcorn,” Andrew complains. “I took a nap there and I forgot, chill.”
“You have a room, you know?”
“Your bed is comfy,” Andrew just answers without looking away from the TV. Grace acts like I’m not even here.
“I don’t care. Sleep in your room. And you better not be bringing any girls over, you thot.”
“Fuck, you sound like Virginia.” Andrew jokes and Grace laughs. “Lighten up, I’ve been a good boy.”
“Where’s Mom?”
“At the store, she’ll be back in an hour,” Grace answers. “Where were you?”
“With a friend. What’s the movie?” I ask as I sit next to my brother. I don’t need to know the answer because after five seconds I recognize it to be The Evil Dead. It’s barely started so I haven’t missed much. It’s a good distraction and allows me not to think. This way I don't have to be by myself and feel alone.
Halfway througI’m fascinated by movies. I want to go to school to study them. Being in drama class isn’t enough to satisfy my hunger for knowledge on the theatrics. There’s something so wonderful about losing myself in a visual story. It’s like a book but the direction is dictated by the vision of one person. I find them more impactful this way. I’ve been studying films for so long now, I hope I’m good enough to get in a school.h the movie, Virginia comes back but leaves us alone to make Dinner for the night. Then the movie ends with a blink and Grace is the first one to get up. “Call me when dinner’s ready,” she says.
Andrew navigates through his laptop that’s he using to project to the TV to turn on another movie. This time its Hellraiser. “You have a thing for horror now?”
“Nah. I’m just watching some movies this girl likes.”
“What’s her name?”
“Does it matter? Andrew says opening his phone for the first time to send a text. He’s texting the same girl I saw message him. It’s an odd thing for him to do. By now he would be in excruciating detail about how deep he or how deep he’s about to be in this girl. I let it go and go on watching the movie I’ve already seen a couple years ago.
When Virginia finishes dinner she heads straight to bed to get ready for the next day. Andrew and I eat in silence while the movie goes on. Grace comes down briefly but only to get her food and heads back upstairs. The night is uneventful as they always come but it’s comforting, it’s stable. A lot of nights are like this and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I don’t miss getting fucked up every night, but I miss the euphoria of drugs. I’m better without them but damn are they good. I’m sure Andrew misses it too, but I’m equally as sure that he does shit without Virginia finding out. Watching this movie makes me think about this. The pleasures and pain of getting fucked up. It’s almost nostalgic.
I get a text towards the end of the movie. It’s from Freyja. She says:
How are you?
I say:
I’m in thought, you?
I’m left in read.
When I go back to my bed the negative thoughts come right back in. Unable to sleep I take a shower thank I lower myself to a beth. The lights are dim and I stare only at the ceiling as the water slowly fills up the tub. I think doing this was a bad idea because all I can hear is silence of the water and nothing else.
Sadness and depression are different things. Most people, or at least non depressed people don’t know this. Most will just label sadness the latter and leave it at that when it lasts longer than usual. I’ve heard tales that people who get anxiety really easy makes it even worse. I guess I do to in a way but it isn’t too severe.
Like now, I feel the void inside me getting wider and wider. In turn it makes my heart feel heavier and more numb. The world around me starts to lose its color and any sound that comes through is dulled out.
And I just lay there, motionless, thoughtless. The thoughts I do manage to grab onto only disappear after a few seconds. And I lay there again, motionless and without a purpose. I want the water to be absorbed by my skin so I can drown that way, painless. There’s no reason, it’s just a thought.
Really I just want all these feelings to go away so I can be happy again. I want everything to go back to normal so I don’t have to feel like this anymore. It’s wishful thinking, I know. Nothing can really go back to what it was and the only option is forward. This gives me the strength to get up and take a deep breath. I know what I’m doing in my life, I have it planned out now. I know what I’m doing with Freyja. I have to confident in myself to be able to move forward. That’s why I do things. That’s what I’ve told to do. That’s what has worked. I refuse to be like this and I refuse to let Freyja be this way too.
In bed I start practicing the guitar and I start to process the entire day in since the moment I woke up. Most of it is passed over as it was unimportant. I guess most of life that happens is unimportant, we only really remember the good things and the bad things.
Most important of all is remember the conversation I had with Freyja. She really opened up today. I then play back words that I glossed over at first. Did she say that she wanted to kiss Elizabeth? No, that couldn’t be right.
I stop playing the strings to think about it a little bit more.
Dummy. It was there in front of you.
Freyja was in love with Elizabeth.
Advertisement
- In Serial76 Chapters
His Light, Her Darkness
"You are mine!" He roars. "I will do whatever it takes to make you know that. Whether it means I lock you up in a prison and throw away the key."Footsteps come rushing into the dining room, and I turn to see multiple men--guards I suppose, flanking one another. Each of their hands rest on things within their jackets. Which i can only guess are guns. What else would they be?He waves them off and stalks towards me, standing behind my chair. I try to turn my head to look behind me, at him, but his hands move to the sides of my face, stopping me."I can give you the world Mia. I am no fool. I know that love takes time, and I will give you as much as it takes. But you are mine." He says so calmly.--------------------------When Mia Jones, a College student from Australia with a mysterious past is offered the opportunity to work as a translator for a man she had never heard of in New York City, she had assumed it would be a normal job, little did she know it would be the end of her freedom.Matteo Giovanni is the most feared Mafia leader in New York, and the whole country, heir to the Italian Mafia, he is used to getting what he wants. And when he sees Mia walk into his office for a job interview, he knows he wants her.She is his light, and he is her darkness. Will Mia ever be able to escape Matteo and the Mafia, or will she fall in love before she can stop herself?WARNING:Within this story there is coarse language, themes and violence.______________________#1 in Romance 29/10/2020-----------------------------------Began: 21/08/2020 Completed: 13/01/2021
8 317 - In Serial34 Chapters
Keeping Lennox
Wade Bentley thought his life was over when he saw that tiny plus sign. As the months progressed, he fellin love with his unborn daughter. After his daughter was born, he was told he would never be allowed to see her. He enlisted the help of his lifelong friend, Cassie Chandler. Together, they vowed to beat out Wade's ex, Tori Sheffield, and bring his daughter home with him. It is not going to be easy, but Wade will do whatever it takes to keep Lennox.
8 150 - In Serial29 Chapters
Start Over On Easy Mode (BL)
Romance is the last thing on Zach Mallory’s mind. His past experience with his wife and children left him jaded. His death wiped the slate clean, giving him a second chance at life. This time around, he will correct his mistakes. He will find someone unobtrusive to settle down with when the time comes. Zach’s carefully laid plans start to blow up in his face only a few months in. Tynan stumbles into his life, and one look tells him this man is trouble. Tynan’s life is anything but calm, yet Zach can’t convince himself to stay away. Tynan wanted Zach from the moment they met. He wasn’t looking for a relationship, but he won’t let that stop him from claiming this skittish imps as his. Now he just has to keep them both alive. Every time things get dangerous, Zach wonders where things went wrong. He’d selected easy mode when he started over. *** The chapters are not numbered incorrectly, the not NSFW chapters are available on my Patreon. The entire chapters focus on that and are not essential to the comprehension of the story.
8 337 - In Serial150 Chapters
The Almighty Rich Daughter is Explosively Cool
Part I.Author(s)Tong Nieer,童涅兒For more than a decade, she disguised herself as a weakling while preyed on the strong - Qiao Qing had never viewed reputation as an important matter.But people began to take advantage and purposely hurt the ones she cared about.Qiao Qing then decided to stop hiding her real self.An incapable good-for-nothing? Her natural genius IQ can explode your eyeballs!A lowly commoner? Her real identity made her someone who you are not worthy enough to be friends with!A feeble chick? Her skills in ancient martial art can result in you looking for your teeth all over the ground!A godly student, a godly Go player, a godly night rider, a godly martial artist... as her real identity revealed little by little, all those snobs who once viewed her poorly began to switch sides and attempted to please her.Qiao Qing shut the front door. No guests welcomed.She blocked those who wanted her for their own selfish demands, but she couldn't stop this one evildoer from approaching her.Just like that, climbing over the walls and entering through the window became Jun Yexuan's specialty.As the President of the Jun Corporation, he had enough to protect Qiao Qing her entire life.But what bothered him was that Qiao Qing was far too independent and far too capable. Without any of his help, she was able to successfully handle everything.Jun Yexuan became moody - he felt like he wasn't needed!So, on a random day, a cry for help appeared on Weibo, "What do I do when the wife is too capable? Waiting for immediate responses - it's urgent."*** For offline purpose only ****** All credits to the Author, Editor and Translator ****** The image is also not mine ***
8 118 - In Serial119 Chapters
Actions Speak Louder Than Fortune Cookies
One weekend, Rylee Summer's best friend got trashed at a family wedding. Little did she know that that one night would change the rest of her days.- - -Y'all, this was my first ever fic on here so please don't judge the first like...ten chapters of this thing. I was hitting the ground running 😂❤️---Rankings!#1 - Stan - 9/27/21 - 4/27/22#1 - Sebastian Stan - 10/1/21 - 4/27/22 - 8/20/22#1 - SebastianStanxOC - 12/14/21 - 4/27/22
8 68 - In Serial83 Chapters
Crossing the Zerg Doting Wife Unlimited
Novel: 穿越蟲族寵妻無度Author: 阿慕z (Amu Z)Feng Zao, the Earth pharmacist who somehow traveled to the Zerg, reluctantly accepted the fact. Met the other half who wants to start a family and want to be together forever. Then started the road of romantic love wife. The Zerg native resident Hughes is tall and tall. Because his appearance is not the type that male insects like and his personality is dull, he always thought that he would be assigned to the male insect by the main brain system. The first time I saw Hughes, Feng Zao's eyes lit up: This is the sportsman I like, ah, damn it! How can I get in touch with him. The first time Hughes saw the wind, his ears were red, and he pretended to be calm, but his heart kept beating: This male is so cute, I want to rua~ "Hugh, let's have an egg, shall we? If you give birth to a baby bug, it is best to look like you." "...Listen to the hero." I meditated in my heart: it's better to look like the hero. The miniature version of the hero must be cute and cute. One day, Hughes received another call from the Bug Cub Academy. "The hero, the little bug cub is in trouble again" Content label: Birth of a child, interstellar sweet text Search keyword: Protagonist: Feng Zaoxius ┃ Supporting role: Kodak Anwen ┃ Others: Gentle inferiority sweet pet One sentence introduction: I just want to be sweet and sweet Life idea: A happy little romance can always be found in a plain and simple life.cover photo not mineMachine translated (not edited)For offline purposes
8 69