January 20th, 2014

She said she was in the tall grass. She called herself a blue flower. She said she kept seeing morning glory.

I never got to say goodbye.

Sara stands above me like she did a couple days ago. She thinks she’s higher than me because she got through her depression. She thinks she can help me after ignoring me after all this time. Fuck her. But she doesn’t leave and instead sits next to me. I just stare at the woods where Elizabeth disappeared. I just want to be left alone.

I hate this place, I really do. This town, these people, this environment; it’s a toxin that slowly kills people. People say its the weather, others say remoteness. I say it’s the people raised here. They’re all so fucked up. They turned the incorruptible into one of them and now she’s dead. She’s not the only one, there are others. Others are mostly ignored because they didn’t have the status she did. I was almost corrupted, almost turned into one of them. Now everyone leaves me alone and I like it. Everyone leaves me alone except for Sara.

“Do you like it here?” She asks. Of course, I don’t. It’s always cloudy, and when it isn't, it feels like it. The sun shines but there’s still that dread looming over the town like it’s cursed. Today it’s raining. It’s winter and Darkwood usually doesn’t get too cold but it is frisky out. I like it, but at the same time, I hate it. It’s too gloomy and depressing. “I used to hate the rain,” Sara shrugs, “now I don’t mind it. It’s melancholy but right. Right in like, it’s what is suppose to be.”

I look up letting a few droplets into my eyes. What the fuck is she talking about? Is it okay to be sad? Is it okay to feel like this? I’m not fucking sad, I’m pissed off. I’m scared. I’m so fucking pissed off.

“Is that why you’re hiding?” Elizabeth says in front of me. She’s often here, a figure of my imagination. She talks to me, comforts me and guides me. It’s not healthy, I know, but I don’t care. “This is what you wanted, right Jana? For someone to give a shit.”

“Alex gives a shit. My parents give a shit.”

“They’re family. It’s not what you’re looking for.”

“What about you, Freyja? Do you like the rain?” Sara asks.

“No,” I say finally looking down from the rain. I stand up, deciding I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be in this town, not in this school, not with Sara.

The rain likes to taunt me as I walk home. It gets harder and harder as I get closer to my home a block away from my parent’s church. I was soaked before I even started to walk but now I’m drenched. No one’s home. Of course no one’s home, it's the middle of the day. Mom and Dad are busy in the church and Alex is in school.

I take off all my clothes in my bathroom but leave my underwear on. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I’m ugly. My hair is unkempt and I don’t like to shower. I move my hair out of my face so I can look at myself properly. I’m disgusting. I’m Freyja Elledge who was supposed to be the queen of the school and I’m disgusting. In a different timeline, I would be checking myself out knowing how hot I am.

I take off my underwear and feel my breasts because it’s one of the few things that make me feel alright. I crawl into to my bed and shut my eyes.

My eyes open when I hear my parents downstairs. They have the TV awfully loud today. I can hear Alex talking to his friends online. They probably don’t know when I got home, or if I got home. They just expect me to be home so they haven’t bothered to check if I actually am. It’s why the door still hasn’t been opened since I’d shut it. I can tell because I have one of them doorknobs that push down to open and I always set mine to rest a bit lower than full horizontal.

It’s eight PM and there are no notification on my phone. There never is but I don’t care. I hide in the stairs as I watch my parents watch TV together. I’m glad they’re regular people for being priests. They’re happy together, truly still in love. They must be disappointed that I am like this. They pay me no mind, they know to leave me alone. They know I don’t like to leave my room. My mom just knocks and leaves food on my door at this point. They love me and I’m breaking their heart.

“Do you want them to say something?”

“I don’t know.”

Mom and Dad are laughing. They’re talking about something that happened in church today. I don’t understand what’s funny about it but I’m glad they’re not hung up on my well being. My mom laughs again and tilts her head back where she catches me watching them. My heart skips a beat. My own mother ignores me. I don’t know what to think about this. She should say something. Say something.

“Do you want to sit with us, Freyja?”

My dad looks over at me and smiles. I don’t know what to do. It’s been a long time since I’ve actually seen them, maybe it’s been a few months. My dad likes to sit on my door talk stories with me. He misses me the most I think. He does it every night before he goes to bed; always talks about when he was young when he was stupid. They’re funny stories mostly.

“Sit with them.” I slowly crawl down the stairs. My parents aren’t looking like they’re expecting me to comply. “What are you so afraid of?”

My mother moves over away from my dad to make room for me. Like a little girl again, I’m in between my parents once more. “Welcome home,” My mom wraps her arms around me.

“It’s good to see you,” Dad says.

“It feels good, doesn’t it?”

“Yes.”

My mom runs her fingers through my messy hair as we watch TV in silence. It’s nice, it’s like being left alone. They get me, but I think I’ll never get them. I don’t like being in this house either. There’s too much God in here. I used to like it. And then she died. And then you died. “Do you not believe?” No. In this world, there is no God. There was a time where it was all there was but it’s better now.

My parents know this. They knew when I blew up in their faces and shut them out. My dad wouldn't talk to me and my mom often made me food last. I think when I started to no come out of my room is when they finally understood. We haven’t talked about it so I wonder if it’s ever going to be brought up again. There’s a lot of things I’m sinful for.

“Do you guys hate me?”

“What?! Why would we hate you?” Mom asks.

“Because I’m a bad person. Because I’m not who you want me to be.”

“Freyja, you mean the world to us. It’s okay to grieve and mourn. You can take all the time you need as long as you're with us.”

“That I don’t believe in God.”

That shuts them up. I can feel my dad get tense. He rarely gets angry. He only really gets angry at Alex but I’m never a victim. I wonder if he’s angry at me now. My dad sighs and gets up from his seat. Mother strokes my back and watches him leave. She turns to me and says, “Your father may not understand it and neither do I but I trust that you will find God’s light again.”

“And if I don’t?”

“You will.”

“I won’t.”

My mother giggles, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“No.”

“Okay. You made a big step tonight,” she stands up and stretches. “I’m going to bed. There are leftovers in the kitchen so help yourself, you’ll be alone. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

I wrap myself around my knees and lay my head on the cushion. The TV show was now over anyways and the news starts. The latest breaking story was there was death during a hit and run in Seattle. There was a forest fire pretty far from us but the rain today helped contain it. As I think about it, it still hasn’t stopped raining, has it? I can still hear it hitting the roof quietly.

Elizabeth stands in front of me. She’s still the same: Blonde, Tall, beautiful and unmatched. Her eyes are piercing blue and a soft face that makes it irresistible not to stare. Elizabeth had freckles but she would always cover them up because she hated them. She has them here today. “Is this your way of telling yourself that you’re reading to move on from me?”

“What do you want?”

She gets up close to me and to her knees. Elizabeth holds my hand and they’re gentle for being imaginary. She gives me this smile like she’s sad or disappointed in me. “I want you to move on from me. I’m never coming back. You need to let other people in.”

“Like Sara?”

“She only wants to help.”

“I don’t need you to lecture me. I’m fine on my own.”

“Then why am I here?”

I don’t say anything. I only change the channel to Cartoon Network and try my best to ignore Elizabeth’s ghost. But I can't. She’s wearing this stunning white dress that’s too bright and distracting and I can only look at her. “Why are you here?”

“It’s because you want me to, Jana.”

“That’s not my name.”

“I’m sorry, I just got caught up watching Grease 2,” Elizabeth laughs. “If that wasn’t your name, why do I know that line?”

“My name is Freyja. I just want my friend back. I just want to know why you killed yourself. I want a goodbye. I just want to see you one last time…”

Elizabeth doesn't say anything when she smiles and looks at the stairs. She fades away when I notice Alex is standing in the middle of them. “Who are you talking to?”

“No one…”

He laughs and head back upstairs, “Fucking weirdo,” he says quietly but I can still hear him.

Alex Elledge. I know he cares for me too because he doesn’t let anyone fuck with me at school. He’s who lets me alone. We used to be close. That ended when I decided too. Alex is a guy who doesn’t question things and does things as they happen. It’s fine if he’s never bothered to see if I was okay because honestly, I wouldn’t like him very much if he did that. He’s a good guy that hopefully isn't fucked over by this town just like everyone else. I know it’s too much to hope for, I already see this town corrupt him. That girl Grace is corrupting him.

I rest my head against the cushion and close my eyes.

“Not a blue flower, but a morning glory.”

January 24th, 2014

I have my third class off and I always spend it in the library. My brother often likes to skip this period and hang out with me. It’s really the only time where we interact. He usually always ends up being the one who talks while I just listen without saying a word most days. This is how I know he cares.

Alex stands next to me while I browse the bookshelf for something new to read, something new that’ll help me run away. “I mean, she keeps giving me hints and is like flirting with me but won’t hang out with me after school. What’s up with that?” He’s talking about Grace Ciotta. There’s a rumor going around that her mother adopted Sara and Andrew because they’re always together but no one really knows. “What do I do? I really like her.”

I’m on my knees taking a book out to read the back cover. “I don’t know, maybe she’s leading you on.”

“Well is that what you would do?” My brother scoffs that makes me just look forward. Like does he really expect someone like me to like someone? “Hold that thought, gotta blow my nose,” Alex says, leaving.

I don’t see why he likes Grace. Last year she looked like she belongs in middle school and now she looks like a freshman. Granted they’re both 15 but still. Grace isn’t even a good person for him. She hangs around Andrew and Sara all the time and I know the kind of shit they like to do. They aren’t good people.

This book looks interesting and I’ve seen the trailer for the movie all over Youtube. They say the book is always better than the movie so it’s why I’m picking this out first. “The Perks of being a Wallflower”. I see my brother walking back to me through the empty space between the books but is suddenly stopped by a girl. Shit, it’s Sara, but she doesn’t see me. Why is she talking to my brother?

“Yo, what's up,” he greets her.

“Can you help me out with something?” I can’t see her face but it’s definitely her. Her voice is unlike everyone else's. Its raspy like her vocal chords have years of smoke abuse. Better yet, her voice is like sandpaper. Despite that, it’s still pretty.

“Okay? What’s up?”

“I’m trying to be friends with your sister. Can you help me out with that?”

My brother scoffs, maybe even pushes her away. I can't see real well. “What the fuck, why?” he laughs. “Just leave her alone.”

“Please, it’s important.”

“I don’t think it is.”

“Don’t you think it's time some tried to be her friend? She’s all alone, she needs someone.”

Alex scoffs again and giving me a half-second glance. I shake my head. “Why do you care?”

I can tell Sara is getting frustrated. Is she this easily agitated? “Alex, you should care. She’s your sister.”

“Yeah, I do care but Freyja isn’t just gonna magically snap out of it. Can I go now?”

Elizabeth presence appears behind me. “Are you sure this is what you want? I know deep down you want her to tell you it’s gonna be okay.”

“If she continues, then maybe.”

“Well can you at least tell her something for me? I think she’ll listen if it’s coming from you.”

“What?”

“You did something you regret, didn't you?”

“That I’m sorry. We should have all been there but we were selfish in trying to pass the blame unto others.” Sara leaves without letting my brother have a chance to respond. I was her as she exits the library. She stops right at the doorway to look back where she finally sees me as I step out to go to Alex. Sara just continues to walk. Did she knew the whole time I was there?

Sara leaves me alone during lunch then again at our class together during sixth. I get to see her again at our final class but she doesn’t show up. After school, I find her in the parking lot talking to Andrew and Grace then she splits off to walk towards the forest that surrounds Darkwood. The nerve of her to apologize now after all this time, I just want to yell at her. Sorries mean shit and if she was really sorry she wouldn’t show her face.

I follow her behind her but make sure I’m not noticed. Sara goes deep into the woods and I start to wonder where she’s going. There’s only one place to go and it's at the campsite everyone goes to at night for bonfire parties. Then I remember I played a game of hide and seek with Elizabeth at a tree house somewhere. Maybe that’s where she’s going. I don’t go inside often, mostly because it’s really easy to get lost. After walking for twenties minutes, Sara finally stops at a broken down tree. This is where the tree house once was but now it’s all over the place. What happened?

Sara takes a rest on one of the tree branches on the ground and pulls out her phone. I was her from afar but I can’t hear what she’s doing. It’s a phone call but no one picks up then she sighs. I don’t understand what’s she’s doing here. This tree house used to belong to one of her friends who graduated. I wonder what she thinks of the tree house like this. I haven't seen her in awhile. Maybe that’s who Sara is calling.

“Why did you follow me?!” Sara yells out, looking near me but not at me. She knows I’m here but doesn't know exactly where. It’s good. I can hide. “Do you want to sit down?!”

“What are you doing here?!”

“Good question. I don’t know!”

“Why do you want to be my friend? I just want to be left alone.” This time Sara catches the direction of my voice so it’s no use hiding anymore. I come out and she smiles. Did she know I was following her the entire time?

“How come you don’t want me as a friend? Do you hate me? Do you blame me?” Nice. She answers with another question. What do I do? Do I answer back with another question? No that would get us nowhere.

“Yes. I hate you. You killed her.”

“She didn’t kill me. I killed me. You’re projecting blame to those who don't deserve it. Sara didn’t do anything.”

“She fucked you up on all those drugs.”

“How do you know? Were you there?”

“I’m sorry,” Sara stands up. “You’re right. I did kill her and that’s something I have to live with the rest of my life.” Sara places her hand over her heart and closes her eyes. “You became close friends with her that summer and I took her away from you, I’m sorry.”

“Are you going to tell her?”

“Then why don’t you just fuck off?!”

“I can’t!” Sara opens her eyes and stares me down. I imagine a shockwave emitting from them and pushing me back. “I want to make amends and be your friend!”

My tongue is tied. I don’t know what to do. I blame her but Sara is sincere. Something inside me tells me that I should let her in. Shit. Elizabeth is right. I do want this.

I’ve been alone for too long. I just want someone to tell me it’s okay. I want someone to care about me. “I hurt you when I died, didn’t I?” she says. Yes, yes she did and I’m a monster for believing that I could ever have more. I was thought and raised on the path of God and I had to fuck it up. “You fell in love with me.”

“I fell in love with you.” I lost my path towards God when happened. I’m a disappointment to God and to my parent because I’m gay. Holy shit, I’m gay. That’s the first time I admitted it. Fuck.

And now I’m standing in front of Sara and I don’t know how I got here. She isn’t smiling or frowning. I can't read her face but I can study it. I used to think she had brown eyes but not, they’re blue. There’s a little more on her left eyelid and her nose a bit crooked that wasn't like that before it. Her hair was brown at the start of the school year and now it's back to being full black. She dresses in her goth clothing again. This is the Sara I was familiar with, the one I always thought was a bit scary.

She’s still scary.

Sara’s a drug addict and a whore. She got bored of all the Darkwood parties and now goes to the Seattle College parties where she fucks at least two guys at a time. “You know that’s not true.” Sara even sells drugs on the low.

Sara is…

Sara is...caring.

She’s scary. “Freyja?” She says. “Are you okay?”

“Huh?”

Sara tilts her head to the side a bit and places the back of her hand on my cheek where I feel tears falling down. I take her hand off and wipe the tears myself. I was talking to myself for that long, huh? Or maybe I subconsciously started crying and I didn’t notice. Ha! I’m talking to myself again. “No, you’re talking to me.”

“I’m glad,” Sara smiles. “I’m glad you’re alive!”

Huh?

I can feel everything fall down.