January 15th, 2014

Freyja Elledge. Jana Kramer.

She sits alone in the cafeteria room almost everyday now. When she’s not here, she’s walking to the nearest mcdonalds for lunch; alone. The only one who I ever seen her talk to is her brother, but that only happened once. She used to be real popular, now she’s a ghost. Today that changes because of some rumor someone started. It’s been all over school already. They say Freyja was last person Elizabeth talk to before school started. They’re saying Freyja convinced Elizabeth to do it. It’s why she didn’t show up to school that day. They even say she faked her sickness that day. So because of that, Freyja is getting picked on today.

I ask Andrew to stop it but he says, “It’s not our business.”

Amanda says something to Freyja. Based on her body language I can take a guess and say it isn’t very friendly. Freyja seems to be ignoring all of it and only focuses on the food on her plate. I can’t even see her eyes so I wonder if she’s crying. Eventually things get bad enough that force Freyja to get up and leave. Andrew notices my movement and stops me by grabbing my wrist. He shakes his head once before letting go.

“Where are you going” Grace asks but gets no answer.

I follow Freyja into the back of school where she probably hoped to hide. She sits down on the wall that’s closest to the forest. It’s close enough to see into the darkness.Freyja covers her face behind her knees so she doesn’t see me approach her. “Are you okay?”

“Leave me alone,” she says weakly.

And I want to. Andrew is right, this is none of my business. I’m not her friend, I’m not involved, I shouldn’t care. But I do care. But this is something I should do, because I’m a good person. Emily taught me this, Virginia wants me to learn this. “Jana, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“My name is not Jana.”

“Freyja.”

She finally looks ups, wiping away a few tears. “What do you want Sara? Leave me alone.”

“I can’t.” I pause. What the hell am I even doing? “I won’t.” Freyja locks eyes with my for the first time. “I’m won’t.” I repeat.

Freyja's hair looks like it hasn't been brushed in weeks. She often wears two coats, or a coat and a hooded sweatshirt. Today is one of those days and it’s still the same fucked up Freyja that people started to see her as. I can’t help to remember the slow regression over the months that lead her here. God I was so stupid that I couldn’t see it. But I do now and I’m left wondering why now out of all these months? She’s been so alone.

“Go away…”

“No.”

Freyja takes a few seconds to herself and wipes away all the tears. I think that’s good. “You’d dyed your hair back to black,” she says. She’s right. I’m back to all black after a year of being cleansed. Virginia disapproves but trusts me enough to let me do what I want. I’ve been feeling like complete shit the past couple of weeks so being in this emo phase helps me cope. It’s not even emo, or goth, it's just all black and sadness. It’s been nothing but sadness lately. “It looks good. A blue flower.”

“What?”

“Hmm?”

“Just now, what did you say?”

“I said your hair suits you. Black is more your style.”

I swear she just called me a blue flower. That’s what Elizabeth said she was called. Maybe it applies to me too, or maybe i’m just hearing things. Yeah, that must be it. “Thank you, but are you okay?”

“I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me,” Freyja says getting up. “I’ve been fine this whole time,” she lies. I can tell she’s lying by the tone of her voice. It’s neither sad nor with feeling, it’s empty; monotone. I let her walk past me and I watch her leave my sight; I only see a shadow of myself. Freyja needs help too.

Sit where she was at and sigh. I’m unable to wrap my head around the reason why I even followed her here. It’s more than just wanting to be a good person. I open up Facebook and look her up. Freyja is still my friend but hasn’t posted since the day our friend died. God she used to really pretty. Side by side, Freyja is another person then who she used to be, Jana. It’s clear to me now that I need to help her because no one has since. I don’t know, I feel like it’s my responsibility.

But if I do, who will help me?

She’s alone. You’re not.

Andrew drives me to the 24 diner in the edge of town using Virginia’s hotwired car.. This is where all the popular kids go to hang out after school when there’s nothing to do. He parks besides Amanda Myers’ car and gets out first to smoke a cigarette. “I don’t want to go in alone,” I tell him.

Andrew shrugs, “give me a minute then.”

“When did you start smoking?”

Andrew shrugs again taking a drag long enough to burn a fourth of the cigarette in one go. “I’m surprise you don’t,” he exhales. “I’m thinking about getting a face tattoo.”

I laugh, “Don’t be stupid.”

“It’ll be something sweet under my eye. Angelica, after our mother,” Andrew takes another long drag. “What do you think?”

“I think you’re stupid. Virginia will kick out.”

“After graduating, of course. Once that’s done, I’m moving out. I don’t need this town anymore.”

It’s funny even though I know Andrew is serious but I can’t help to laugh. “And where will you go?”

“To chase my dreams.” I want to ask, but Andrew throws away the cigarette. “Come on, let’s get this over with.”

Inside I find Amanda with her friends who notice us but we’re not here for them so it doesn’t matter if they gossip or not. Bo is sitting in the far corner of the diner. He’s busy writing on his laptop, probably some dumb article for the school paper. Bo is alone like always so Andrew and I sit next to him. He doesn’t even bother with us. While we got the backlash of the video he posted, he was left completely off the radar. Nobody messed with him for exposing everyone like that. That video didn’t make anyone look good yet nobody blames him for it.

Andrew takes a drink from the coffee that has been left untouched and Bo still doesn’t care. “Ay bitch, don’t ignore us.”

“What do you want, Andrew?”

“A nice friendly conversation.”

“I’ll rather not get beaten up today, thank you. Besides if you touch me I have my lawyer on speed dial.”

“Bitch that’s your daddy’s lawyer. Besides, I’m not here to fuck your bitch ass up. My sister just wants to talk to you.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Moral support.”

“Bo, why did you put that video up?” I finally come in. That is enough to get his attention away from his laptop.

Bo sets his laptop down and meets my eyes. “Justice. I had all the answers and I was too scared to reveal them.”

“Justice? You didn’t know her. You made assumptions based on things you didn’t even know. She didn’t kill herself because she got into drugs.”

“Oh yeah? Seems like she was perfectly fine before she hung out with you guys.”

I sigh and relax myself on the booth seat. There’s no point in getting riled up, I’m not even here about the video. Before all of this, Bo was once friends with Freyja. The video barely mentioned her but she’s been getting bullied a lot more lately because of it. The whole thing has this sour taste in my tongue so I wonder if she had a role to play that Bo isn’t showing. “There’s things that you’ll never know Bo. What you did might have been justice in your eyes but it wasn’t okay.”

He scoffs, “So what, you want an apology?”

“Fuck, you’re annoying,” Andrew comments.

“No. I just want to ask you something.” Bo loses interests and flips his laptop back on again. “What happened to Jana? She’s the only one who hasn’t moved on.”

Bo closes his laptop again and sighs. “I don’t know, I’m not friends with her anymore.”

“Then why’d you close your laptop buddy?” Andrew smirks.

Bo looks at him and rolls his eyes. “Why do you want to know?”

I feel the snickering behind us of Amanda and her stupid friends. I guess she’s forgotten I’ve fucked her brother just to spite her. Maybe because he’s graduated she’s allowed to be a bitch to me again. Andrew looks behind us and gives them a wink. I don’t think I anything would make me more happy than my brother hate fucking that bitch, and he’s been trying.

I turn my attention to Bo who is still waiting for a response. “Have you seen her? Have you even asked her if she’s okay?”

“She’s still sad about Elizabeth, who cares,” he shrugs.

“Don’t you find that a bit odd? Everyone’s moved on except for her. Did you even try to be there for her?”

Bo shrugs again, “No, but don’t people need to be left alone to grieve?”

Bo is an idiot. He doesn’t understand depression at all. I guess most people don't. They think it just a stage above regular sadness and the word gets overused more often than it should. It’s not his fault, but he could have at least done a little. “When was the last time you talked to her?”

“I don’t know, a few weeks after the funeral. Why do you even care, Sara. It’s not like you two are friends.”

“That’s the point, she doesn’t have anyone. Doesn’t that scare you?”

“No.”

“You’re a dick, mate,” Andrew snarks.

“Can I be left alone now? I have a paper to write.”

I sigh. “Okay, we’ll leave but do you know why she’s getting picked on now?”

Bo almost laughs. “That? She antagonized Amanda,” Bo looks over past us where Amanda is. “She signed her deathwish.” Bo turns his attention off of us.

Andrew and I get up to leave but I notice Andrew isn’t next to me when I open up the front exit. He’s at Amanda’s table and is saying something that I can’t hear. Amanda’s friends are disgusted and Amanda is just confused herself. She eyes me and then turns back to Andrew. One of the guys laugh and Andrew does not hesitate to punch him in the face, prompting the other guys to stand up ready to fight. Andrew backs off saying, “save it for the school yard, flower boys.”

“What was that?” I ask him when we’re out of the diner.

“Sticking up for my sister, what else? I don’t know why you care so much for Jana but if you’re doing it, you’re doing it.” Andrew smirks and it makes me laugh so I push him. “Come on, I’m capable of giving a fuck.”

I force myself to stop laughing but it doesn't really work. “You’re stupid.” I push him back again.

Andrew starts to laugh and pulls me in for a hug. “I’ll do anything for my baby sister.”

I try to pull out but Andrew doesn’t let me. “You’re older by two minutes, relax.”

“Still. We’ll get through this, together.”

My arms go limp. My brother is such an asshole to everyone. He’s sexist and homophobic. He hates this world and wishes not to be apart of it. Andrew is filled with so much hatred and yet he’s still here, caring for me. I love him. He would end the world just for my sake. There was a time i believed otherwise, but not now, not at this moment.

On the ride home, I home something new in my head. It’s calming and it makes me feel as if I was young again; like my mother was tucking me into bed. When I get home I take out my acoustic guitar and start translating the hum into notes. It’s midnight by the time I finish and I lay the guitar into the side of my bed.

I don’t know why but I stare at my door. There’s no light sneaking through and I wonder if anyone is asleep. I wonder if someone will knock or just walk in. Will it be Virginia, Grace, or Andrew. Perhaps it could be my dream girl, the girl I drunk fucked, or the girl in the white that was Elizabeth’s angel. I think now that it’s an angel of death and anyone that sees it dies. My mother talked about it once. I still remember it. It was a bedtime story, she said, “The grim reaper does not want people to be in fear or distress when it takes us, so it disguises itself as the most beautiful thing in the world.” She never said it but I’ll believe it. This woman in white must be exceptionally beautiful. That’s the conclusion I’m coming with why I’m staring at this dumb door. I’m waiting for her.

I’m waiting for you.

Please, come and take me.