KISSKRIS49>> [OH! OHH! We’re all married old bags now! We need to meet in celebration! (っ˘▽˘)(˘▽˘)(˘▽˘ς) ]

FRAN$KOMAX>> [Such sad. Depressed ffs. But sure I dig.]

LAZULILOVE>> [Uh K why not. I got til 12 before I move in proper so… 11 good? Scoopers! I want pancakes!]

BACKSASH>> [Yeah that’s cool idea Kris. PANCAKES! YES!]

LILYPAD_X>> [Gurldate! We’ll buy pancakes for Lapis! What else can we use our husbands wallets for?!]

FRAN$KOMAX>> [Sw33t nu hardware? Blu-Rays?]

BACKSASH>> [Only you Fran. I’ll see you all there!]

I explain the situation to Donna, and she smiles.

“Okay, you have time, so you should go with your friends, mi’lady.” Donna nods. “But you know, they’ll totally ask you for the play-by-play of your kiss.”

Oh no! I completely forgot I’ll be the subject of the hazing this time! WHAT A BLUNDER!

“Ugh… oh no… I should have refused!”

Donna just laughs ominously.

. . .

. . .

. . .

Leaving the strawberry until last is the correct way. It’s the most succulent part. The syrup pancakes were really good though. I hope they don’t make me too fat. I bite into it. The sweet juice running over my tongue makes me blush as it reminds me of something else… but before I can table the thought, a hand grabs onto mine, and Kris is suddenly in front of me, her golden eyes piercing my soul and her brown side-tail practically slapping me in the face.

“Lapis! Tell us about the snog! I need EVERYTHING!”

I almost choke on the strawberry. It becomes evident that all the other discussion has stopped whilst I was in pancake land. I knew it was going to happen… but Twelve Gods Below, why is Donna always right? Fran is grinning with a tablet out to take notes, and a shine in her thin glasses. Sasha has cocked her head, her black braids swinging gently. Only Lily is feigning disinterest whilst playing with the crust of her lemon pie. I swallow the strawberry to buy time.

“Um, well, I don’t know. It… uh… it happened really suddenly! I have no idea why but…” I blush furiously. “But then my lips were completely invaded. Uuuu…”

My hands involuntary go to my face and touch my lips. It was three hours or so ago now, but part of me can still feel the sensation. I shudder.

“Hoh!” “Ooof!” “Wow!” comes a chorus.

Oh no! What the hells was my face just showing to these devils!? I don’t know, but I’m now surrounded by grins. Uuu… I want to crawl into a hole and die!

Kris, however, simply has closed eyes, and nods, the picture of a grouchy old master who just seen a pupil do something to their satisfaction. She grunts a ‘nnn’ and nods. “You have already learnt all I have to teach, young apprentice. I welcome a fellow kisser in arms!”

The others all burst out laughing at her attempt at an old man voice.

“So, what the heck did you do to make him go that far, Lapis? Its impressive that it worked out, but I need deets! Answers!” Fran queries.

“Yep, give a us a blow-by-blow play! What did you do? Its valuable intel! It might work on others!” Sasha says

Uuu… I’m still hugely embarrassed, but I honestly don’t get it either, so maybe this brainstorm will tell me what I did wrong. I clear my throat, and start from the beginning.

. . .

I get an uncomfortable set of groans.

“WHAT!?” I exclaim.

“Are you SERIOUSLY still confused, Lapis?” Lily says.

“Ah! Sakamoto, the maiden doth too pure! It blinds me! Can it be so?!” Sasha puts her drama experience to use.

“Uuu… w-what did I miss!?!” I’m almost in tears again.

The other four girls simultaneously groan again, and stare at each other in various states of shock.

“Ahem. Lapis. Let us summarise each of your lines for you, in simple ‘this is what a man hears’ language.” Fran adjusts her glasses, as appears ready to lecture.

“So, you grab his hand. You tell him ‘You are clever. You made the right choice. I have no position to bargain.” Fran states, her finger waggling.

“EH?! No…?” My eyes widen.

“I am vulnerable, defenceless, weak. Do what you want to me. I have no options so I won’t resist. By the way, you are my hero.’” Lily continues, her waving fork a conductors baton.

“What, no!” I feel like an arrow hits me in the back.

“And then, you leap at his lap with your cute face and virgin body. Which, by the way, is way better than you seem to think, Lapis.” Sasha slaps me on the thigh.

“Ngh…” My palm hits my mouth.

“Oh, and then you express joy at this arrangement, and have your face in front of him, ready to kiss, and looking mighty worried and vulnerable.” Kris concludes, trying her greatest doe-eyed, parted lips look.

Something cracks. Uguu…

“Mm, in conclusion. You could give lessons to lust demons for sure! GOOD JOB! Achievement Unlocked!” Fran grins and gives me a thumbs up.

OH MY GOD. That wasn’t what I was trying to do at all! I was just trying to say I didn’t have regrets! NOOO!

“She really had no idea. AMAZING.” Is heard in a deadpan chorus. It sounds like a barbershop quartet of zombies.

“Is she doomed tonight, Sasha?” Kris asks, grinning.

“Absolutely doomed. If she isn’t ravished for ten hours straight until she can’t move for three days I’ll honestly eat my hairclips” Sasha nods, eyes closed in deep thought.

“Yep, we need to take you to buy ten pairs of sexy underwear and two bottles of baby oil immediately. Resign to your fate, Lapis.” Fran finishes.

I start to hiccup and hyperventilate. What have I DONE!?

“Okay girls, I think that’s enough.” Lily claps, looks at me, and puts a hand on my shoulder.

“You’ll be fine.”

“You really think so?” My lip trembles. Lily sighs.

“Though your catastrophic lack of self- awareness might have honestly doomed you for some men, I think you’ve probably gotten lucky here. But seriously, Lapis, they could still be right. You MUST be more careful around a husband.” She sounds wistful, and involuntarily puts a hand on her small but noticeable baby bump.

“Yes. I understand.” I whisper. “I think I need to go, or I’ll be late.” Lily nods and the others join her.

I got a bit too desperate with my first encounter. It all went wrong there. I got way too emotional this morning when it hit me that I was about to be doomed, but I didn’t wait to calm myself down, no, I just rushed into my marriage greeting. Then I ended up unloading all that baggage on my new husband. And then, after all that, I had to audacity to run off scared. I should be ashamed of myself. It’s no wonder I was putting across mixed messages.

I seriously have rotten luck… no… I just have problems interacting normally with men. I wouldn’t even be in my current predicament if I didn’t spend three marriage meets brooding and spitting out acidic lines, resulting in interest from no-one. I only seem to have two settings.

I really need to drill it into my thick skull that I can’t mess this up. I can’t have any misunderstandings anymore!