October 2, 2011

Eury Morrissey

I kept staring straight ahead as heavy clicks and clacks of people walking the length of the hallway drifted under the door of my hospital room. The cardiac monitor beside me dutifully beeped faster every time I heard footsteps coming down the hall, betraying the small amount of hope I still had.

Why are you getting so excited, huh? He’s not coming. No one is coming and you know it.

That was the benefit of going to a university across the country—no one knew me. And it was supposed to be a fresh start, especially after the clusterfuck that was that last year of high school.

Don’t go believing your own bullshit. You know you planned on heading here well before you got dumped.

I needed my music. Now. I looked around and saw my bag on the other side of the room. If I sighed any harder, I could have cramped what was left of my lungs. The night nurse was annoying that way, making my life more difficult than it was. First the stupid bitch in my head, now the nurse. I sighed again. For a moment, I considered fighting against the pain and wobble over like a baby doe, or develop telekinesis. Whichever I could manage first.

Let's be honest, even if it was right beside you, you’d have a hard time getting to it in your sorry state.

The bitch had a point. The pile of tubes and wires they strung me up with made it hard for me to move. And with the hole in my side and the broken rib they gave me, my bag might as well be in China.

I fingered around until I found the mostly smooth surface of the nurse “call” button. I pressed it down as hard as I could, which was probably not much harder than a light autumn breeze but whatever, it got the job done. Probably.

A good five minutes and three contemplated button presses later, the overworked nurse finally shuffled into my room.

“How are you feeling?” Her smile seemed genuine enough, but those kettle red cheeks told me that she was only a few stupid statements coming from me away from being a lot less interested in being friendly.

“I just need my bag if that’s alright.” I tried my best to lift my finger, however, she had already sauntered over to the bag and brought it to my bedside.

“Of course, honey. What are you looking for?”

“My iPod should be in the front pouch. Grab that and my headphones.”

“I...pod?” The woman spoke under her breath as she poked around in my bag. “Oh wow.” She said as she withdrew the iPod. “How old is this thing?”

“Old enough, I guess,” I said, trying my best to smile. When my lips pulled away from my teeth, I swore something in my mouth scraped. Dry from a rusty, unused smile.

The nurse placed the iPod and large over-ear headphones on my lap.

“Alright, here you go honey.” She had already put my bag on the floor beside my bed and began walking towards the door. “Was there anything else that you needed?”

“I got it. Thanks.” My hands inched towards the headphones. It then took me a full three minutes to untangle the single cord of the headphones which was annoying. Whoever took it off of me last night must’ve made a point to mess it up before putting it away.

You should make a point of chewing out that no-good night nurse tonight.

And piss off the only semblance of kindness I get here? Great idea. I’ll schedule it in somewhere between her pillow fluffing and my sponge bath.

After plugging my headphones in, I started bringing them up but before I could navigate them on my head, I heard a knock on my door again.

“Hello?” I asked. The door opened a crack and the mess of black curls on Mr. Davis’ head popped into view, followed a second later by the rest of him. Unconsciously, I spent a few seconds reacclimating to his face. Just enough for my drug-addled, sleep-deprived brain to put together just how much he looked like a goofy Italian mobster.

Davis waved, almost like a party clown. “Hey-a Eury, how are you feeling?”

“Mr. Davis, hey. I feel like I’m missing an internal organ.” I felt myself slipping back into our old pattern again. A mistake I would not make twice. I put away the smile that had stayed stuck on my face by the drugs, replaced it with a more suiting, half scowl.

“Well, a part of one at least!” His same stupid smile was violently stretched across his face. “And I appreciate it Eury, but I’m not your teacher anymore. You can just call me Michael. I’d never say it to their faces, but being called Mr. Davis by my students always made me feel too old, like my dad or something.”

All sorts of sour memories crawled out as he spoke, ones I tried to get away from. All the same, memories that the drugs had masked.

“Alright, Davis it is. Is there something you need?”

“Seriously, Eury, there’s no need to be so formal. And I’m here on behalf of everyone back home! Word got back to us about you and Principal Aino thought it would be good for someone from town to come by and send you our best. Maybe bring a bit of home to you.” He said, bringing forward the medium-sized, sickeningly colourful bouquet of flowers. No doubt bought downstairs at the hospital flower shop.

“So you got drafted for it?” I said, looking somewhere between his ear and his mouth, making a point not to look him in the eyes.

“No, of course I volunteered.” Again that stupid smile.

A small flicker of warmth pushed through the drug-induced fog, but I kept it down by focusing harder on everything else besides him. “You volunteered to drive ten hours across the mountains?”

Why bother coming all this way? Such a waste of money especially if it was just to come to see you.

“I flew.” Another unnecessary expense.

“That’s even worse.”

“It’s not so bad. I have some friends that still live here and I’m planning on looking around the old campus again.” He took another step into the room. He was moving slowly, deliberately. “Did you know that I was an alumni here?” His eyes hid between his tilted down forehead and his thick-rimmed glasses.

“A happy coincidence.”

Davis laughed sheepishly. “I guess. Right?”

“Yeah. Right.”

Of course, why wouldn’t you play along with his stupid game? This isn’t any different than when you played all through high school, and if you thought it would be you are delusional.

“I gotta tell you. I was pretty happy you decided to become a teacher, plus your mom must be happy that you’re following in her footsteps. You’ll be great, I’m sure.”

“Not exactly following in her footsteps am I? English never was a subject I was good at.”

“Well, with your grades, of course you went the biology route. You were always exceptional in my class.” He said, beaming with a little too much pride. In himself, but also in me too. At the sight of it, I felt my cheeks begin to redden. There was a reason that I fell for him once upon a time.

Don’t act like it was years ago.

“Exceptional? Huh.”

“Yeah.” Davis looked me over once before looking back down to his own hands, and at the obnoxious bouquet that he had brought with him. “I almost forgot! These are from everyone back home.”

It was a weak attempt to change the conversation, but I welcomed it. Anything that got my mind away from everything that happened.

More like, what didn’t happen?

“Everyone?” My cheeks cooled as the dull wave of anger reared its head again.

“Yeah! All your friends and classmates. Even Mrs. Meyers pitched in.” He made a face like I was supposed to care what the miserly old hag spent her pennies on.

“All of my friends? I only had one friend back there.” Davis winced as the words came out of my mouth. “It’s not like I have any other friends, so I’m not quite sure who you are talking about.”

“C’mon, Eury, aren’t they beautiful? What if I just put them over here.” He crossed to the other side of my bed, pulling a small rolling table with him. “They’ll get some sun here,” he said looking out at the overcast view of Spokane, “and you’ll be able to get a good look at them.”

“Davis. There’s a trash can in the hall. Put those where they belong.”

“C’mon, is it so bad just to leave them here? Bring some life to this room?” He said, contemplating which device would hold the flowers best: the paper water cup or the full pen holder on the counter.

“Ouch. I feel like death, but now I look like it too?”

“You know that’s not what I meant. If I leave these…” He tried to push the flowers at me. Even if I could grab them quick enough, I wasn’t in the mood.

“Davis. Trash. And take yourself out with it.”

“I might not be your teacher anymore but you shouldn't be so rude to me. I did come to visit you after all.” He said pulling the flowers back to himself.

“In what capacity?”

“Capacity? What do you mean, Eury? I told you, I’m here for every…” Without finishing he dropped his hands to his sides in frustration.

“Why did you volunteer to come?” I asked, knowing what his answer really was.

Not that he’d ever admit it though.

“Because I was your teacher.”

“So what happens when someone like George Lacoursiere gets sick? You’re just gonna go all the way to Boston to see him? Or how about Emily Vestez? One little cough and you’ll go running off to her too?” Davis looked back down at the bouquet in his hands. His fingers fiddled with the stem of one of the roses. “That’s what I thought.”

“This isn’t just a cough.” He said without looking up.

Maybe I really do look a little like a corpse.

I could feel the light heat of blood pooling in my cheeks.

“What difference does it make though, huh? It’s not the cancer that you’re here for. It's me isn’t it? So, for once, tell me why you’re here and say it straight. And if you say as a teacher one more time…”

“I’m here as your friend.” As he spoke, Davis actually had the balls to look me in the eyes. I had to give him credit, that was better than what he did last time we had this conversation.

“Ha. Last time I checked, you made it very clear that we weren’t friends. Not even as much as that.”

“I said that we…” And there it was—that reaction. As his voice faded away, his stress tick came out. Thick fingers through thick black hair. Jesus, I could watch that for a long time. “Eury, why are you being like this? What could I have—”

“I’m being like this because I don’t have the time to play these games with you anymore,” I said. “Let me guess, this was all just some game to you, right? Let’s see how much we can fuck with the girl with no friends! Hur dur. You know what? You’re probably the worst of all of them. At least they had the balls to spit in my face. At least they didn’t make excuses for themselves when the reality was that they were too fucking childish to just admit their feelings and tell me exactly how worthless I am in their eyes!” The cardiac monitor beside me began to beep faster and louder.

“I’m your teacher, Eury, I can’t—”

“Not anymore!” Even with half of my lungs missing, I was glad that I could still manage a bit of a shout. Davis’ eyes shot over to the machine that displayed my ever accelerating heart rate. “Just get the fuck out of…”

“Eury. Please. Calm down.” The look of worry on his face just made me angrier.

You have no right to be worried!

“Don’t tell me to calm down!” As I took a deep breath to shout, my lungs reminded me they were in no state for that.

“You’re starting to have a panic attack,” Davis said, stepping forward, concerned. My chest was burning despite the drugs and oxygen pumping through my nose. My breathing became shallow and rapid. “If you don’t calm down, it could be bad.” He threw the flowers onto the rolling table and came to my side. My body sunk deeper and deeper into the bed with each step he took.

“Get away from me!” I tried my best to shout, but my shallow breaths weren’t enough to project loud enough.

“Eury. Try and breathe deeply. I know it hurts but just take slow, long, deep breaths.” The beeping from the machine grew faster as the sinking feeling transformed into the unmistakable sensation of falling. A wave of cool sunk deep into my forehead. I refocused my eyes enough to see Davis’ hand resting on my head. “Just calm down, you’ll be alright. I’m here.” The machine seemed to get louder as he spoke.

“Shut that fucking thing up!” I had hoped to yell that time, but my voice was even quieter than before.

“The doctor is coming, just hang on for a few more seconds. It’ll be all fine.” Davis held the call button in his other hand.

“Get away from me!” I couldn’t hear my own voice over the sound of the beeping cardiac machine, but the look on his face told me Davis heard me. The second his cool hand left my forehead, another pair touched me. A pair of too-warm thick hands cupped themselves around my face, limiting my vision to a small circle on the ceiling. I kept struggling to find my breath, lungs on fire.

“Eurydice. Eurydice! Are you paying attention?” I recognized the thick Indian accent as the one that belonged to my oncologist, Dr. Basak. “Now, Eurydice, look at me.” As he spoke, Dr. Basak’s wide brown eyes crept into my vision.

I tried to speak, to say anything, but the only sounds I could make were choked gasps.

“This is just a panic attack. I’m going to give you something to help you calm down, so just close your eyes.” I could feel the numbing drug working its way up my arm. “It’s all going to be fine.” Dr. Basak’s voice was deep, soothing, more soothing than the wave of numb that was making its way into my chest. “Close your eyes, Eurydice.”

The moment I closed my eyes, the falling sensation stopped. My world became dark. I had fallen into a dark lake on a moonless night. The water was warm, and still, yet it burned as I breathed it into my lungs. It tasted sweet and dry and wet and sour all at the same time. Seconds ticked past as I allowed myself to fall deeper into the water, welcoming the burning release while it enveloped me.

It was easier here, and finally, I was alone.