You press the button.

Ding.

Ok, my wordcount has been a bit low the past few days, so let’s hope you’ve landed in a fun room that I can use many words to describe.

You are in… A room with the table! On the table is a deck of cards!

Perfect.

They seem to be normal playing cards.

A standard deck of cards has four suites: hearts, clubs, spades, diamonds. Each suite has thirteen cards: ace, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, jack, queen and king. Thus the deck has 52 cards total.

Those cards would be, the ace of hearts, two of hearts, three of hearts, four of hearts, five of hearts, six of hearts, seven of hearts, eight of hearts, nine of hearts, ten of hearts, jack of hearts, queen of hearts, king of hearts, ace of clubs, two of clubs, three of clubs, four of clubs, five of clubs, six of clubs, seven of clubs, eight of clubs, nine of clubs, ten of clubs, jack of clubs, queen of clubs, king of clubs, ace of spades, two of spades, three of spades, four of spades, five of spades, six of spades, seven of spades, eight of spades, nine of spades, ten of spades, jack of spades, queen of spades, king of spades, ace of diamonds, two of diamonds, three of diamonds, four of diamonds, five of diamonds, six of diamonds, seven of diamonds, eight of diamonds, nine of diamonds, ten of diamonds, jack of diamonds, queen of diamonds, and king of diamonds. Of course, included in the deck is usually two jokers, a red one and a black one.

I’m sure you want to know this, so I will inform you that the traditional “Jack, Queen, King” of the face cards wasn’t always that. Originally, it seems that the Jack was a Knave (a young servant), but people would call it a Jack (basically the term back then for a rando) to avoid confusion. Finally in the late 1800’s some American card maker decided “Screw it! Printing Kn on the cards is taking too much ink, and it’s too close to the K! I’m just gonna print them as J’s and no one can stop me! Ahahahahahaha!!!!!”

I paraphrased, of course.

As far as languages go, the greater number of languages use the English JKQ. The Ace is always an A. The only two languages I’ve personally seen with different letters on the cards are Dutch, with the Boer (farmer), Vrouw (lady), and Heer (sir), and French, with their Valet (servant), Dame (lady), and Roi (king). There might be others out there, but all I can attest to is that Latin America in general seems to use the English JKQ. And given that in Spanish King and Queen are Rey and Reina, I really don’t know what they would have used in the 1500’s Spain…

Anyways, shall we play a game? Rather, shall you play a game, since I can’t play with you.

Wrong answer! Get your butt into a chair and play a damn game of solitaire, so I can write about it!

Good! Yay! What are you going to play?

I’m sure if you have siblings, you have played this game at least once, even if you don’t know the name.

Basically, you pick up all the cards, the

ace of hearts, two of hearts, three of hearts, four of hearts, five of hearts, six of hearts, seven of hearts, eight of hearts, nine of hearts, ten of hearts, jack of hearts, queen of hearts, king of hearts, ace of clubs, two of clubs, three of clubs, four of clubs, five of clubs, six of clubs, seven of clubs, eight of clubs, nine of clubs, ten of clubs, jack of clubs, queen of clubs, king of clubs, ace of spades, two of spades, three of spades, four of spades, five of spades, six of spades, seven of spades, eight of spades, nine of spades, ten of spades, jack of spades, queen of spades, king of spades, ace of diamonds, two of diamonds, three of diamonds, four of diamonds, five of diamonds, six of diamonds, seven of diamonds, eight of diamonds, nine of diamonds, ten of diamonds, jack of diamonds, queen of diamonds, and king of diamonds

and then throw them around the room, scattering them in every direction. And then you pick them up.

Not… Not the greatest of games, I must admit.

Ah yes, the “traditional” solitaire game, called “solitaire” on every computer ever.

First, you shuffle the deck. That’s right, you pick up the

ace of hearts, two of hearts, three of hearts, four of hearts, five of hearts, six of hearts, seven of hearts, eight of hearts, nine of hearts, ten of hearts, jack of hearts, queen of hearts, king of hearts, ace of clubs, two of clubs, three of clubs, four of clubs, five of clubs, six of clubs, seven of clubs, eight of clubs, nine of clubs, ten of clubs, jack of clubs, queen of clubs, king of clubs, ace of spades, two of spades, three of spades, four of spades, five of spades, six of spades, seven of spades, eight of spades, nine of spades, ten of spades, jack of spades, queen of spades, king of spades, ace of diamonds, two of diamonds, three of diamonds, four of diamonds, five of diamonds, six of diamonds, seven of diamonds, eight of diamonds, nine of diamonds, ten of diamonds, jack of diamonds, queen of diamonds, and king of diamonds

and shuffle them.

The goal of this game is to- well, I could explain, but I’m sure you already know! Especially if you were around back in the early 90’s, when your only options for computer games were this, minesweeper, or pinball. I think before pinball you also had the options of hearts or freecell, but I wasn’t around back then, so I don’t know.

Anyways, yeah, I’m sure you know the setup, the rules, and how it’s played. Not gonna bother explaining it to you.

Allow me to start out by saying, the description for this one on the Bicycle Playing Cards website is “slow your night to a festive crawl”, and that’s just… beautiful.

Well, you start out by shuffling the

ace of hearts, two of hearts, three of hearts, four of hearts, five of hearts, six of hearts, seven of hearts, eight of hearts, nine of hearts, ten of hearts, jack of hearts, queen of hearts, king of hearts, ace of clubs, two of clubs, three of clubs, four of clubs, five of clubs, six of clubs, seven of clubs, eight of clubs, nine of clubs, ten of clubs, jack of clubs, queen of clubs, king of clubs, ace of spades, two of spades, three of spades, four of spades, five of spades, six of spades, seven of spades, eight of spades, nine of spades, ten of spades, jack of spades, queen of spades, king of spades, ace of diamonds, two of diamonds, three of diamonds, four of diamonds, five of diamonds, six of diamonds, seven of diamonds, eight of diamonds, nine of diamonds, ten of diamonds, jack of diamonds, queen of diamonds, and king of diamonds.

And then you realize that in order to play this game, you need two decks of cards. So, so much for that idea. Oh well. On to the next one. At least the

ace of hearts, two of hearts, three of hearts, four of hearts, five of hearts, six of hearts, seven of hearts, eight of hearts, nine of hearts, ten of hearts, jack of hearts, queen of hearts, king of hearts, ace of clubs, two of clubs, three of clubs, four of clubs, five of clubs, six of clubs, seven of clubs, eight of clubs, nine of clubs, ten of clubs, jack of clubs, queen of clubs, king of clubs, ace of spades, two of spades, three of spades, four of spades, five of spades, six of spades, seven of spades, eight of spades, nine of spades, ten of spades, jack of spades, queen of spades, king of spades, ace of diamonds, two of diamonds, three of diamonds, four of diamonds, five of diamonds, six of diamonds, seven of diamonds, eight of diamonds, nine of diamonds, ten of diamonds, jack of diamonds, queen of diamonds, and king of diamonds

are already shuffled for the next game.

To play this game, you have to remove some of the cards. Namely, the

two of hearts, three of hearts, four of hearts, five of hearts, six of hearts, two of clubs, three of clubs, four of clubs, five of clubs, six of clubs, two of spades, three of spades, four of spades, five of spades, six of spades, two of diamonds, three of diamonds, four of diamonds, five of diamonds, and six of diamonds.

This leaves you with the

ace of hearts, seven of hearts, eight of hearts, nine of hearts, ten of hearts, jack of hearts, queen of hearts, king of hearts, ace of clubs, seven of clubs, eight of clubs, nine of clubs, ten of clubs, jack of clubs, queen of clubs, king of clubs, ace of spades, seven of spades, eight of spades, nine of spades, ten of spades, jack of spades, queen of spades, king of spades, ace of diamonds, seven of diamonds, eight of diamonds, nine of diamonds, ten of diamonds, jack of diamonds, queen of diamonds, and king of diamonds.

Then you shuffle those, and deal them out into piles of four, turning up the top card. The goal is to pair up the cards. Once all the cards are in pairs, you win!

Fairly simple.

Ok, for this game we need all the cards of one deck. We have those! Yay! First, you shuffle the

ace of hearts, two of hearts, three of hearts, four of hearts, five of hearts, six of hearts, seven of hearts, eight of hearts, nine of hearts, ten of hearts, jack of hearts, queen of hearts, king of hearts, ace of clubs, two of clubs, three of clubs, four of clubs, five of clubs, six of clubs, seven of clubs, eight of clubs, nine of clubs, ten of clubs, jack of clubs, queen of clubs, king of clubs, ace of spades, two of spades, three of spades, four of spades, five of spades, six of spades, seven of spades, eight of spades, nine of spades, ten of spades, jack of spades, queen of spades, king of spades, ace of diamonds, two of diamonds, three of diamonds, four of diamonds, five of diamonds, six of diamonds, seven of diamonds, eight of diamonds, nine of diamonds, ten of diamonds, jack of diamonds, queen of diamonds, and king of diamonds

and separate twenty eight cards. Then, you put the cards in seven piles. The first pile has one card, the second two, etc. The top card of each pile is face-up. Then…

Erm…

Reads through the instructions again.

This is basically Patience, but with solid-color stacks instead of alternating-color stacks! What, was this invented when someone just forgot the real rules? Someone in, I don’t know, Alaska maybe? Sheesh, I feel like I was ripped off somehow…

Ok, we need all the cards again!

First, you shuffle the

ace of hearts, two of hearts, three of hearts, four of hearts, five of hearts, six of hearts, seven of hearts, eight of hearts, nine of hearts, ten of hearts, jack of hearts, queen of hearts, king of hearts, ace of clubs, two of clubs, three of clubs, four of clubs, five of clubs, six of clubs, seven of clubs, eight of clubs, nine of clubs, ten of clubs, jack of clubs, queen of clubs, king of clubs, ace of spades, two of spades, three of spades, four of spades, five of spades, six of spades, seven of spades, eight of spades, nine of spades, ten of spades, jack of spades, queen of spades, king of spades, ace of diamonds, two of diamonds, three of diamonds, four of diamonds, five of diamonds, six of diamonds, seven of diamonds, eight of diamonds, nine of diamonds, ten of diamonds, jack of diamonds, queen of diamonds, and king of diamonds

and separate twenty eight cards. Then, you put the cards in seven piles. The first pile has one card, the second two, etc. The top card of each pile is face-up. Then…

Wait a minute here…

Reads through the instructions YET AGAIN.

Allow me to quote from a different website: "Yukon is similar to Klondike except you can move groups of cards from a tableau column even if they aren't packed in sequence." So yeah. It's exactly the same game, but someone forgot a rule, and declared it to be a different one!!!

How many of these games are really the same game? Come on, seriously though, no one can come up with anything more interesting??? I mean, I've heard Hearts described as "basically Gin, but backwards", so yeah! I think that most card games are basically the same game, but people just forgot the rules!!!

Go ahead! PROVE ME WRONG!

Well, I now have a goal in life! I'm going to go through every single card game I can find, and determine how many "base" games there are! Games with basically the same rules, with one or two differences!

Because it turns out, there are fewer of them than I thought there'd be!!!

I am hereby disappointed in the creativity of the human race.

Ok, one last game! This sounds like an interesting one! Go ahead, shuffle the

ace of hearts, two of hearts, three of hearts, four of hearts, five of hearts, six of hearts, seven of hearts, eight of hearts, nine of hearts, ten of hearts, jack of hearts, queen of hearts, king of hearts, ace of clubs, two of clubs, three of clubs, four of clubs, five of clubs, six of clubs, seven of clubs, eight of clubs, nine of clubs, ten of clubs, jack of clubs, queen of clubs, king of clubs, ace of spades, two of spades, three of spades, four of spades, five of spades, six of spades, seven of spades, eight of spades, nine of spades, ten of spades, jack of spades, queen of spades, king of spades, ace of diamonds, two of diamonds, three of diamonds, four of diamonds, five of diamonds, six of diamonds, seven of diamonds, eight of diamonds, nine of diamonds, ten of diamonds, jack of diamonds, queen of diamonds, and king of diamonds

while I look over the rules!

...

Oh, damn. Sorry. Looks like for this game, you'd need two decks, without the aces. I mean, it's basically Spider anyways. But it looks like you've shuffled the

ace of hearts, two of hearts, three of hearts, four of hearts, five of hearts, six of hearts, seven of hearts, eight of hearts, nine of hearts, ten of hearts, jack of hearts, queen of hearts, king of hearts, ace of clubs, two of clubs, three of clubs, four of clubs, five of clubs, six of clubs, seven of clubs, eight of clubs, nine of clubs, ten of clubs, jack of clubs, queen of clubs, king of clubs, ace of spades, two of spades, three of spades, four of spades, five of spades, six of spades, seven of spades, eight of spades, nine of spades, ten of spades, jack of spades, queen of spades, king of spades, ace of diamonds, two of diamonds, three of diamonds, four of diamonds, five of diamonds, six of diamonds, seven of diamonds, eight of diamonds, nine of diamonds, ten of diamonds, jack of diamonds, queen of diamonds, and king of diamonds

for nothing. Sorry, dude. My bad.

There are other games, of course, but I'm running out of time to post this, so it looks like I need to end the list here.

That was... Fun? Educational? I don't know. It started out fun and educational, but by the fifth time you shuffled the

ace of hearts, two of hearts, three of hearts, four of hearts, five of hearts, six of hearts, seven of hearts, eight of hearts, nine of hearts, ten of hearts, jack of hearts, queen of hearts, king of hearts, ace of clubs, two of clubs, three of clubs, four of clubs, five of clubs, six of clubs, seven of clubs, eight of clubs, nine of clubs, ten of clubs, jack of clubs, queen of clubs, king of clubs, ace of spades, two of spades, three of spades, four of spades, five of spades, six of spades, seven of spades, eight of spades, nine of spades, ten of spades, jack of spades, queen of spades, king of spades, ace of diamonds, two of diamonds, three of diamonds, four of diamonds, five of diamonds, six of diamonds, seven of diamonds, eight of diamonds, nine of diamonds, ten of diamonds, jack of diamonds, queen of diamonds, and king of diamonds

it just started feeling a bit monotonous.

Sorry about that, dude.

Anyways, if you're bored, you can go ahead and push the button now.

Eyyy that's something you hadn't done yet!

And these are nice cards for stacking, too!

You spend a good twenty minutes on it, and manage to make a stack of cards five levels high! Woo! Good for you, you've got some skillz!

And then, as is the way of this cruel world, you bump the table with your knee, and it all crumbles.

Sorry dude. I'd pat you on the back if I could.

DO YOU PRESS THE BUTTON? Yes No