Notification

Congratulations

Your Crunch Grenades have reached level 2. The diameter of their influence has increased by three inches.

Notification

Congratulations

You killed a Gorgon Sentinel.

As Indiana Jones once famously said, “I HATE SNAKES!” And so do you, apparently, because you just killed one. Arguably, these creatures are more closely related to salmadars since they have legs and arms and mostly live in caves, but, you know, it takes a lot of hyperbole in a description to make a salamander sound threatening, so, yeah, you killed a snake-man. Great job, Adventurer.

You’ve gained 5 experience points. These points expire in 48 hours if not applied to a locked ability.

“Jack,” said Yuri, pulling me aside, just as I dropped my new points into the Two-Finger Pow Pow ability. “This isn’t … I didn’t sign on for this. One prisoner, that was the deal. I’d help you rescue one little girl. That was it. Not a hundred. That’s what we agreed—”

“I know, I know,” I said, grabbing her shoulder with one hand and pulling the pendant out of my inventory with the other. I jingled it in my hand a bit then handed it to her.

She frowned, confused. Slowly, hesitantly, she took it from me.

“But …”

“Look, Yuri, I don’t want to keep holding this over your head. That’s not what friends do. If you want to sneak out of here by yourself, go right ahead. But I can’t … I can’t just leave these people. Like I said, saving kids is kind of my—”

“Kind of your thing, I know,” she said, deflating. She turned away from me, glanced over the crowd of scared faces staring up at her. My thumb candle didn’t produce enough light to see all of their faces, but the ones we could see looked horrified. And it wasn’t just kids in the group either, there were some elderly and cripple folk as well.

She stared at them long enough for it to almost get awkward, then she turned her gaze to the two dead bodies on the floor. She sighed, then turned back to me.

“Damn you, Jack,” she said, handing me the pendant back. “Damn you, damn you, damn you!”

“Why are you giving this back?” I said, smiling.

“Well I don’t have pockets or a place to put it at the moment, now do I? And I don’t think it will fit up my ass, so yeah.”

“Wow,” I said, slightly taken aback. “I mean ... we could always try.”

She gave me a look that made my blood run cold. At the same time I couldn’t help smiling even wider.

She knelt over one of the dead gorgons, produced her knife, and slid the snake-man’s belly open in one swift motion.

“Ooh, yeah. Oh dear. Um. Don’t mind her, y’all,” I said, addressing the gasping crowd, specifically the wide-eyed kids on the front row. “It’s totally fine. This is completely normal. She, uh, just does this sometimes.” I cupped the back of my hand around my mouth and whispered, “Honestly, I think it’s a fetish,” to an older elf woman who stared in horror at Yuri with bright red eyes.

Yuri ripped the liver out the way a surgeon operating on an ex-boyfriend might, and one of the kids threw up on my boot.

“Can I get some more light please?” said Yuri, handing me the organ and starting on the second gorgon.

I held the warm, wet thing up and examined it. “You know, it’s funny. I’ve been trying to get you to let me hold these things for you forever now, but suddenly …”

“Light please,” said Yuri.

“Right,” I said, as the meat in my hand vanished into my inventory.

***

“Okay, listen up,” I said, addressing the crowd. “Here’s the plan. Step one, Yuri and I will go out there and kill the big fat guy sitting at the table. He seems to be the only one guarding this tunnel at the moment. Hold on, honey,” I said, motioning for a green skinned girl with dreadlocks to put her hand down. “Questions at the end, okay?”

“How are your thumbs on fire?” said the girl.

I pointed both my thumb candles at her, wiggled them, smiled, then said, “Next step, we’ll come back for you all. Yuri’s going to use her illusion wall ability to help you get all the way up undetec—”

“Who’s Gilda?” said a boy’s voice from deep in a shadow.

“She’s a friend of mine,” I said. “Speaking of her, while Yuri helps you guys escape, I’m going to do a quick sweep of the area to make sure she’s not out there somewhere. Now according to my pamphlet, as soon as you cross the threshold up there back into the city, you become honorary citizens for the night and the hogs can’t touch—”

“What’s a pamphlet?” said another kid, and someone shushed him. They seemed to be warming up to me now, or at least the kids were. That was good though, if not a little annoying.

“Listen,” I said. “We’re going to get you guys out of here, okay? I just need you all to be a little patient. You do know what being patient is, right?” I said, looking directly at the kid who puked on me.

“I have to poop now,” said the boy, cringing.

I sighed, then forced a smile. “Tell you what. I’ll give you a coin if you can hold it. In fact, I’ll give each one of you a coin if you’re good and do what we say. How’s that sound?”

The room filled with excited whispers.

“Jack,” said Yuri. “We don’t have that kind of cash.”

“Not yet,” I said. “But I know a gorgon that does.”

I turned back to the crowd. “Okay, great, now everyone, shut your faces and wait for us to get back, okay?”

No one responded, but some of them nodded. I noticed a few of the elderly in the back were nodding too.

While I was speaking, Yuri had stripped the disemboweled gorgons of their black robes. They had on these white cloth diaper things underneath that made me cringe to look at.

“Okay, everyone,” I said, as I donned the cloak and picked up the shiny axe-spear. “We’ll be right ba—Oh, I almost forgot." I pulled an entire bushel of apples from my inventory. The basket fell into my arms and nearly tipped me over. Excited gasps filled the air as I set it down.

***

The big-ass Gorgon was still sitting at his desk, examining a stack of scrolls one by one. He’d also produced an abacus and was counting vigorously with it. Yuri and I crept towards him in the shadows.

Most, if not all the hogs were on the other side of the cavern now partying it up, jumping and humping to the music. When I glanced up at the long stairway, dimly lit by sparsely placed torches, I didn’t see any hogs or gorgons standing guard. That was a really good sign. That meant the only person standing in our way was this white, pasty snake beast. The rest of the trouble would be a non-factor if all went well.

Yuri and I split up, per our plan. She crept behind the gorgon and I stepped to the side waiting for my cue to enter the scene. He was talking to himself in a language I didn’t understand predominantly filled with hisses and spitting noises. It sounded like he was choking.

Slowly, Yuri snuffed the nearby wall-torches with her axe-spear. The Gorgon was so deep in his work he didn’t notice a change in the ambiance until after Yuri snuffed the third. As she approached the fourth and final, the Gorgon looked up and turned around. The wooden chair underneath him creaked in agony.

“Vorpu, isss that you? Why are you diminishing my light sssource, Vorpu?” He turned back around to grab the small and intricate looking lantern on his desk. He twisted a key on the edge and the flame inside doubled in size. Something else happened that I couldn’t quite explain. There was a sudden shimmer of light around him that vanished as quick as it came. He put the lantern back on his desk and patted it gently.

I made sure my hood was up as I approached the gorgon. I came to a halt in front of his desk and took in a deep breath. I could feel my hands sweating as I gripped the spear.

“Vungo?” said the gorgon, his eyes squinting to see me. As he went to lift the lantern again, I spoke, and he froze.

“Not Vungo,” I said, pulling back my hood. “Vengeance.”

I thought that was a pretty cool line. I’d just come up with that on the spot.

The big guy's face scrunched up in confusion just as Yuri swung her blade down on the back of his neck. A light shimmered around his entire frame as his head whipped forward, his face smacking into the desk with a crack. At the same time, the flame in the lantern erupted then settled.

I let out a sigh of relief, but my stomach clenched even tighter than before as the gorgon lifted his head, slowly. The sound of building, wet laughter came from deep within his throat.

Yuri swung her blade down again, but the gorgon turned just in time to catch the blade on his forearm. As the axe-spear bounced off his shimmering arm, the lantern erupted again.

Oh, look at that. This guy had some sort of forcefield.

Great.

He grabbed his lantern and stood up faster than what seemed possible, given his appearance. The heavy wooden desk flipped forward, tumbling once, twice over. I jumped out of the way just in time to avoid being crushed by it.

Suddenly, the gorgon’s bottom jaw detached and expanded. In the light of his little lantern, two huge fangs slid into view. He let out the most terrifying hiss I’ve ever heard, then reared his head back and spit a glob of something past my face. It hit the rock wall behind me and sizzled.

As the song Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap revved up in the back of my head, one thought came to mind. Well, two, really, as I stood there, frozen in shock. The first was, what was it with this A.I. and AC/DC? And my second thought: Yeah, we were totally screwed.