Chapter 58.5: The Lies we Tell

“Why isn’t she feeling better?!” Ah. This was the first time Clara had heard Tobias shout like that. His voice was positively furious, and she heard him stomp his foot against the wooden ground once.

“I don’t know...”

“You’re a Priest! I called you here so you could heal her!”

“It’s not working! I already did, but she’s still like that!”

“Then get out!”

After those words, she heard the noise of scrambling footsteps, before she heard the door being slammed shut. And then she heard Tobias – the way his breath was shaky, shallow, and filled with an anger that she didn’t know he was capable of expressing.

Clara tried to reach out, but her hands didn’t respond to her. It had been like that for the past... she didn’t know how long has it been exactly.

All she knew was that her body was incredibly hot, and she couldn’t even open her eyes, or else the moment they touched the cold, frigid air, her eyes would only burn intensely.

She felt a familiar, rough hand wrap around her own hand. And she knew from the texture that it belonged to Tobias’.

“Clara...” A female voice called out, her voice tinged with such heaviness, such sadness...

That was Sistine, wasn’t it?

... Her head felt like a boiling hot, swirling mess of uncertainty. She almost forgot her name, and the only reason why she was able to remember was because she bonded with the girl for the past few days... week...?

“... Toby...” She rasped out. She knew that if there was any wind blowing by, her voice would have been carried by the wind and drowned out. “... I don’t think... I’ll make it...”

“No...” For the second time in her entire life, she heard his voice waver. “You shouldn’t say that. You’ll make it. I know you will...”

... That is what he said.

But to her, she could only hear his desperation, and his voice which seemed to hope that what he was saying would come true. It was almost as if he was telling those words to convince himself, and not her.

... But she knew that his words wouldn’t be the case.

While she didn’t know exactly how long she had been struck with this strange, painful fever, she knew – understood; felt that it had been a long, long, long time. This terrible fever which would have driven anyone mad or wishing for death...

And the only reason why she wasn’t suffering as much as she should have been was because Tobias was caring enough to provide for her every need.

...

But now... her body felt like it was beginning to fail her. No, her body was already failing her. She couldn’t eat anything for the past days, and even while she was only resting, her breathing had become laborious, and she needed to force herself to breath.

... And she doesn’t remember the time she last slept. Whenever she fell asleep from this infernal heat, she would only wake up moments later, desperately – painfully gasping for breath.

She may not know why, but she knew something for certain.

She was dying.

“... Toby?”

“...” The hand which held unto hers squeezed lightly. But he said nothing, and she understood why that was the case. He must have known that the moment he responds, it would be the moment he understands that he could do nothing about her fate.

All his response would do for her was to simply hear her last words.

“... Tobias.” She called out again, and this time, she made her voice sterner. So that he would not be able to simply say nothing.

“Why...?” He croaked out, his voice hoarse from the shouting match he was in earlier. But right now, his voice was terribly soft, terribly husky, and terribly hollow. “Why? Why? Why?”

He wasn’t the kind of person to ask for reasons... But right now, he was questioning to himself why such things happened. In any other occasion, Clara might have found such development amazing, but right now, it only made her sad.

... Because once Tobias decided on something, he would relentlessly chase it. And right now, he was chasing for an answer to his countless questions on why such case happened to her.

So before he would spiral down into his dark thoughts and take reckless actions which might cause him suffering and pain, she knew that she needed to leave him a long-term task that he had to do... If only to distract him for the shortest while.

She knew him that much, at least.

“... Take care... of Sistine... for me...”

Sistine was the perfect candidate for this task of hers... But Clara knew that she was lying if she just objectified the white-haired girl into something that needed to be taken care of.

Sistine was someone who didn’t know what she were doing, but she was still someone who tried her best to take care of her while she was feverish. She kept her company during the silent days and silent nights.

Clara had grown to love Sistine as her own younger sister. She knew that it was logical in the sense that she would be hitting two stones with a bird... or whatever expression that was, if she entrusted Tobias the task of taking care of Sistine.

... But it was cruel.

“Didn’t you say that was your job back then...?”

“I’m... sorry...” She tried to giggle, but the only thing that came out were noises. Weak noises not even fit to be called coughs, to begin with. “It looks like I... can’t after all...”

“...” He said nothing to her words.

But that didn’t mean he was silent. He was breathing heavily, and she thought that he was trying his best to keep his sobs quiet. This was just like that time when she first woke up from that Abyss shared dream they had.

His hand must have been warm, but compared to her body, it was chilling in comparison. But it was still gentle...

“Toby...?”

“...” He said nothing again. But she knew that it would be cruel to make him respond to her and acknowledge that she was leaving her last words to him.

“Please... forget about me...”

“... Why are you saying that?”

“I know... I’m dying...”

“But...”

“Promise me...”

“... What?”

Clara took a deep breath, even if the very air was dry, sharp, and freezing against her nose and throat.

“Promise me... that you will... forget me...”

She said that so that he wouldn’t cling to her, even after she’s finally dead.

While she liked Tobias and knew that the idea of him clinging to her even after she’s dead would be somewhat sweet and charming in its own, morbid way, she knew that such a fate shouldn’t happen to anyone.

It was simply too cruel.

“No... I – I can’t promise that...”

... But those words made her remember who she was talking to. Simple words like that weren’t going to work against him, of all people.

She steeled her resolve.

“Tobias...”

She didn’t really want to do this...

“I am... your Keeper...”

But she needed to.

“Did you... think...”

Because if she didn’t...

“That my... services...”

Then Tobias would endlessly remember her.

“Would be free...?”

And such a thing would be painful...

“This is... the payment... I ask for...”

For the both of them.

“Please... forget me...”

She loved him.

And if she didn’t love him, then she wouldn’t be able to bring herself to say these words. She wouldn’t be able to bear the idea of him moving on from her, and wouldn’t be able to bear the idea of him finding another girl to love someday.

Tobias was the kind of person who clung unto someone for a long while, but surely, even he would be able to move on someday, right?

“That is all... I ask...”

... Because even if the thought made her heart tighten painfully, she knew that he deserved that much.

“I... I can’t promise anything...” He admitted, and for a moment, the hand which held unto hers shivered. Her fingers twitched, as she lightly squeezed her hand against his. “I’ll try...”

She felt her lips weakly curve upwards into a smile. But it was a bitter shame that she wasn’t able to open her eyes. So that she could truly express how happy she was at this very moment.

Tobias did tell her once that her eyes were very bright, and very pretty... or she believes to herself. She remembered that he just told her they somehow reminded him of the sun. And she simply understood his words like that.

... She almost forgot. She wasn’t only talking to Tobias, but rather, the other girl was still around. And to think that she was going to entrust this girl to him...

How shameless of her.

“... Sistine.”

“Yes...?”

“... Tobias is going to... take care of you... from now on... Please don’t cause... any trouble for him... okay...?”

“...” There was a pause there. But she felt another hand touch her hand, and she let out a small smile. “... I will.”

If Sistine was able to agree to her demands of simply following a slightly older boy who she didn’t even know on a personal level... Then that only meant that Sistine was pure hearted like that, wasn’t she?

“... Thank you.”

And when everything she wanted to say has been said, she felt relief seeping through her heart, piercing through the endless, scorching heat that her body was emitting.

...

That was a lie.

She didn’t say everything she wanted to say.

She wanted to say that she was afraid of dying. She wanted to say that it was terribly hot, and that it was so, so very painful. She wanted to say that she wished to stay with them, and that her body would miraculously heal and this terrible fever would go away. She wanted to say that she missed being an Adventurer with Jacques, Bastille, and Tobias again.

... And she wanted to say that she loved Tobias.

But all of those things... she didn’t need to say them. It would only make everything much more painful for them to bear.

So once again, even as she huffed and breathed heavily, she forced herself to smile.

“... I’m tired... I’ll sleep now. Good night Tobias... Sistine...”

At least she could phrase it like this. She knew that saying out loud that she was going to die was simply too cruel.

“Good night, Clara...” Tobias whispered, and she could hear his voice waver even more. She understood that he would most definitely be crying later on, but for now, he held it back and stayed strong for her sake. She smiled, and her fingers twitched.

... She couldn’t even close her hand anymore.

“... Good night, Clara...” Sistine whispered back. And with that, Clara let out a small breath.

Just in time.

Her lungs had felt like they collapsed at that point. She finally couldn’t breath anymore.

She was suffocating. But it wasn’t painful...

No. She simply didn’t care about it. Her body was already burning to begin with, so what did another kind of pain invading her body hope to achieve?

...

...

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