Some people say that space is empty—they are delusional.

Ok, maybe in broader terms, it can be considered that the space is mostly empty (with occasional planets, stars, black holes, and a few rocks here and there) but if we are looking at Earth’s orbit—it is a completely different story.

Do you have any freaking idea how much junk is in space? I am not talking about naturally occurring things that are classified as near-Earth objects, which include meteoroids, asteroids, or the occasional comet that grace us with its presence, now and then. I mean human-made objects in Earth’s orbit. It was not enough that our oceans are riddled with junk and plastic, our streets and cities are filthy, but now even space is littered with our junk. We fouled the planet below and made the freaking space around it into a giant scrap yard.

Before I took control of Earth’s orbit, there were around 1,500 operational satellites there (they got recycled quickly enough when Michael declared our independence). That does not account for more than two hundred million pieces of debris that are floating around the planet, without any control whatsoever. It is completely insane what you can find up there, the place our ancestors revered as the heavens.

Let me point out a few things: remains from satellite collisions (surprisingly happens more than you would think), whole derelict satellites, thermal blankets, many upper-stage boosters (and various rocket parts), dozens of dead animals (or the sacrificial pioneers of space flight, as I like to call them), a few digital cameras, many astronauts tools… there is no end to it.

It is funny to think that on 4 October 1957, Sputnik One was launched, and the space was pristinely clean; decades later, mankind has created a swarm of debris that puts a question of our collective sanity as a species.

NASA (and other space agencies) had a job of moving working satellites and the space station on a regular basis, just to avoid impacts when they thought a collision might be possible. Think of it as driving down the street, while lots of that junk is moving around in the same direction; some comes at you, some move with you… insane.

Now, a small percentage of that man-made junk is still intact, but most went through a space grinder and are like pellets of a shotgun shell, except more erratic. To explain that (and a proverbial cherry on the top) is that a good portion of that debris is suffering from The Kessler syndrome. That is not some exotic ailment; it is a runaway chain reaction of collisions exponentially increasing the amount of said debris. Like a psychedelic game of space billiards, especially when two big chunks of metal are traveling in opposite directions and collide. This is not a game played by professionals, this is God visually explaining Chaos theory to idiot humans.

Oh, and get this, most people are not aware that there were many space stations that we humans (collectively) sent into orbit. Out of them all, thirteen fell down back to the planet in an insanely expensive display of atmospheric friction as they re-entered the said atmosphere and disintegrated. Most of them aimed for the oceans, since the chances of debris hitting somebody there was far less than on land. (A part of a space station knocking you on the head can seriously ruin your day.)

Just to mention a few, there were several Russian Salyut stations, a few Chinese Tiangong models, and those a bit more famous, like Skylab and Mir. They all suffered the same fate and came back to earth in a million pieces.

Commander Dax and his crew (in fact, any astronaut that blasted off the face of the planet) did not get nearly enough recognition for the work they did. Not just for going to space in a rocket that can explode at any minute (even if that was insanely courageous), or for working in an environment that has zero breathable air except for what you brought with you, but for agreeing to live there for any amount of time.

Imagine having to work twenty-four hours a day in a situation that is not so different from standing in front of a firing squad. I am not joking, even before that nuke turned the ISS into a visual representation of Swiss cheese, there were numerous breaches to its hull, caused by space debris. In fact, during their missions they had to hide in Soyuz modules on several occasions as the space itself was shooting at the station.

Even NASA warned for years that there were more than half-a-million pieces of debris that could pose a threat to the International Space Station. They orbited at a speed of about 17,500 mph (28,000 kph), or four miles per second. In addition, a smaller number of them are traveling at twice that speed. Talk about a hostile environment, it makes a minefield seem like a nice place to chill out. By official data, anything above half an inch could penetrate the shields of the station's crew modules, and anything larger than four inches could shatter a satellite or spacecraft into pieces.

That is why I decided to do a little backyard cleaning… in the largest possible backyard, one could ever imagine. It is safe to say that it was way beyond a point of needing professional help, but there were no experts on the matter; I needed to become one.

I created a bastardized version of large transporters that looked more like hard-shell clams (or a strange Pac-Man if looked from the sides).

By increasing the gravitational potential around them, they attract metal and other particles, which in turn, the nano-factory inside converts into usable resources. It is in all but name—a garbage truck for space, and each has dozens of semi-autonomous probes that hunt for the bigger pieces and bring it to their base. (A concept I borrowed from a StarCraft game… hey, it works.)

Of course, there were some snags I had to deal with. Did you know that sixteen of older Soviet nuclear space reactors (that they sent into space!) are known to have released an estimated one hundred thousand liquid metal droplets into orbit, which are radioactive and extremely dangerous? I swear, sometimes it seems to me that humans are the universe’s idiot children that cannot stop playing with matches.

What idiot thought that sending extremely dangerous (and faulty) nuclear reactors up there was a good idea? Especially since they obviously did not make any plans to retrieve them in a safe manner. It boggles the mind, irresponsibility on such a scale. As if their current mission was the only important one, and who cares about the problems those in the future will experience because of their criminal negligence.

It was a good thing everything about my space garbage trucks was automated, as I would not allow a human being to go there. What do you think insurance companies would do with the risk assessment for that kind of job… yeah, they would kindly ask you to leave and never come back.

Slowly, the space around the planet is becoming more maneuverable (with decreased chances to hit something, or more likely to be hit by it). Truth be told, this would not be a rush job, I calculate that it will take years until 99% of all space debris is collected.

Part of me wonders if I should deliver the cleaning bill to the ones responsible, it would serve them right if they have to spend a decade’s worth of their annual budgets to settle a tab. It is a well-established practice to pay a fee for residential garbage collection, why should this be any different?

Can you even imagine what the space around the planet would have looked like in another ten or more years if the same practice continued? Talk about painting yourself into a corner.

Honestly, I fear what would have become of this planet of ours if Michael didn’t have the most fortuitous fall in history (not that it felt like that at the time).

The entire place was going to hell in a handbasket.