To Luo-Luo’s great relief, Lord Husband accepted his humiliation in good humour, merely scowling and muttering angrily beneath his breath instead of losing his temper. Shooting the still-chuckling Medical Saint a disgruntled frown, Lord Husband quipped, “Keep laughing Teacher, and your lunch will just be a plate of steamed vegetables.”

Instantly composing himself, Medical Saint Taduk cleared his throat and said, “A brave sacrifice made in the pursuit of knowledge, Rain my boy. We had to be sure. Er, you are joking, right? You wouldn’t deprive your doting Teacher and soon-to-be Father-in-Law of meat would you? Why, that’d be downright inhumane.” Turning to Luo-Luo, he straightened up and smiled, his pearly white teeth in stark contrast to his creamy, golden-brown skin. “You see, I am of the lineage of the most illustrious creature of the skies, a Cloud Chaser Hare, predator of fish and fowl alike.”

“Hmph. Cross me and you’ll eat nothing but rabbit food for an entire week.” Breaking out into a grin at the eccentric and handsome Medical Saint’s horrified expression, Lord Husband embraced his teacher with love and affection. “Well, that was thoroughly horrifying, and while I’d love to stay and bask in the afterglow, the real fun is about to begin. You sure you don’t want to come watch the lion dance and spend time with everyone?”

“No, no, large crowds and loud noises are not for me. You go enjoy, Rain my boy.” Reclaiming his rock soaking in a bowl of water, the Medical Saint placed it back on his head and shooed them out. “Too much to study and prepare for. Don’t overexert yourself, we’ve plenty to do once the day’s festivities are over. Now that we know the octopus likes you, we can hopefully move on and follow it home to witness what it does with... er... in its natural habitat.”

Though curious why they were so interested in observing an octopus in the wild, Luo-Luo held her tongue and followed Lord Husband back to the wagon. The golden wildcat Aurie sat waiting for their return and Lord Husband greeted it with a scalp massage, his lips pursed in a disgruntled frown. “I may need to reevaluate how I treat my pets,” he said to no one in particular. “Have I been sending the wrong message this entire time? Are they all going to try and forcibly mate with me?”

His bizarre query had Mila and Lin-Lin laughing in stitches, but Lord Husband sounded so despondent, Luo-Luo’s heart wept. Seeking to console him, she stepped close and kept her voice low, worried an errant bystander might overhear and cause ruinous damage to his reputation. “Lord Husband, this may not be so. Not every person or creature reacts in the same manner when experiencing love.” Bringing to mind her brief yet enjoyable encounter with his Talent, she tried to define the experience with mere words, though she knew it wouldn’t measure up. “In Luo-Luo’s case, she felt nothing obscene or suggestive, only a sensation of... warmth and belonging, as if being welcomed home after a long, extended absence. Colours grew brighter, the air smelled sweeter, and a shiver ran through my body as it shed stress and tension I didn’t know I carried. I wanted to fall into your arms, close my eyes, and enjoy the sensation of safety and comfort.”

And so much more. Wrapped in his strong, inviting arms, he’d hold her close and kiss her gently, telling her how beautiful she looked while his hands traced her body, undoing her clothes ever so slowly in a sensual, teasing manner...

“...Okay, but how did you realize Sir Inky wanted to play hide the tentacle?”

Cheeks burning with shame, Luo-Luo scolded herself for not only speaking too casually, but also for drifting off into silence while lost in her fantasies. Staring at her feet, she whispered, “Well, once in Lord Husband’s arms, the next logical step would be...to... ahem. I merely speculated the octopus might think the same.”

“Naughty.” Leaping into her embrace, Lin-Lin’s eyes twinkled as she listened to Luo-Luo’s pounding heart with a teasing smile. “So lewd, just like Yan-Yan and Rainy.”

Mortified and embarrassed, Luo-Luo cursed her lascivious mind and willed her heart to slow, though neither saw fit to obey. Smoothing her hair, she put on a demure and ladylike demeanour despite knowing it was all for naught. First the disgusting and stomach-turning incident in the latrine tent and now she’d exposed her indecent thoughts, Lord Husband surely held her in contempt now, assuming he didn’t already. “As I said, there is nothing inherently sexual about Lord Husband’s Talent, but love comes in many forms. Love for a parent, a child, a friend, or paramour, it all depends on how the recipient interprets your Talent.”

“I see.” Turning to the wagon, Lord Husband’s eyes narrowed in focus as he employed his Talent, and like magic, Mama Bun’s head popped into view with Blackjack nestled between her floppy ears. Leaping out of the wagon in a single bound, she hopped over to Lord Husband’s side stood with paws outstretched, her nose twitching in adorable delight while the tiny black hare clung for dear life. Kneeling in the grass, Lord Husband hugged them close and smiled as they nuzzled against his cheek, a sure sign of affection as any. “Yes, it must be because Sir Inky, like all octopuses, is a degenerate pervert and a scoundrel. There’s nothing vulgar about our love, right Mama Bun? Right Blackjack? You’re both pure, moral creatures, who only want snuggles and snackies, don’t you?”

His mood much improved, Lord Husband marched off carrying Mama Bun and Blackjack. Glad to have played a part, Luo-Luo hung back with Li-Li while Mila and Lin-Lin linked arms with Lord Husband. Staring enviously at the loving trio, Luo-Luo wondered if Lord Husband used his Talent on them often, sharing his innermost emotions with them in a unique and unheard of manner. Even if he were half his height and a dozen times more cruel, Luo-Luo would still crave his touch and attention once he turned his Talent upon her. It wasn’t that she felt compelled to, but when he flooded her with sensations of safety and acceptance, she almost rushed into his arms of sheer instinct, decorum and morality be damned.

What a terrifying ability, to make someone feel loved. Of course the animals adored him so, his Talent was so pleasant and gratifying it was almost addictive. It was a politician’s dream come true, a method to charm allies and enemies alike, binding them to his side with nothing more than love and affection.

More importantly, what would it be like to lie with him while under the influence of his Talent?

Determined to find out, Luo-Luo put aside all apprehension and unease as she resolved to win her Lord Husband’s affections no matter the cost. What did she have to complain about? Not only did he possess consummate Martial Skill, a humble, amicable attitude, and a brilliant mind, he also had the backing of a future Emperor and possibly even the Mother Herself. Sure, the Guardian Turtle’s presence could be attributed to his Talent, but using a Heaven-sent blessing to secure a Divine Guardian couldn’t count as foul play.

Six long years she’d waited, but seeing Falling Rain greet his guests and socialize with young magistrates, fledgling Experts, and future generals, Luo-Luo knew it had been well worth the wait. He, a distinguished Warrior, peerless and dominating on the battlefield, and she the most outstanding Imperial Servant of her generation, theirs was a match made in Heaven.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The second day of the Imperial Grand Conference begins with banging drums, clashing cymbals, and ringing gongs, sounding out in a single, synchronized rhythm across all of Nan Ping. The frantic, pulsating beat brings the watching crowd surging to their feet for a glimpse of the dancing lions as they go prancing through the streets. Coming in all colours of the rainbow, hundreds of them scatter in all directions, their large eyes blinking and furred ears twitching as their comically oversized heads dart back and forth in concert with the beat. As they proceed, every now and then, a ‘lucky’ audience member gets their head engulfed by a lion’s mouth, but they always emerge safe and smiling, cheering as the lions dance away.

Throughout the city, cabbages hang from rooftops and balconies, and the lions are more than happy to partake, climbing walls and carrying out convoluted, gravity-defying feats of acrobatics to devour their leafy offerings. Some of the lions ‘fight’ over cabbages while others work together to gather them from difficult to reach places, whether it be boosting another on its shoulders, forming a lion pyramid, or using prearranged objects like ladders, tables, and even seesaws to reach their goal. After chewing their prize, the lion will lift its head to the sky and spit out shredded cabbage in an explosion of tattered green ribbons, before moving on to find its next offering and repeating the process.

Once you get past the crippling disappointment from learning the dancers are not actual lions, but instead two dudes in a lion costume, the Lion Dance is pretty awesome.

In my defence, calling it a lion dance is misleading, especially considering the Royal Guardians rode in on actual, living, breathing lions. The costumes aren’t even really lions, just lion-shaped in appearance, with fanciful patterns woven into their fur and stylized, dog-like faces. That said, I’m thoroughly impressed with how detailed their costumes are. Each lion sports an oversized head complete with a working mouth, blinking eyes, and twitching ears, though how the performers move them is a mystery. More impressive is their flowing movements, with each two-person team of Martial Warriors going to great lengths to bring their lion to life and act like a pretty kitty. Whether it be running, leaping, or even doing somersaults and back-flips, their gestures are all done in time to the beat and they never break character, with high steps, lashing tails, startled backwards leaps, and curious head tilts all adding to the authenticity of their performance.

While it’s all in good fun, my first impression of Lion Dancing is mixed at best. The music and spectacle is impressive and highly entertaining, but training Martial Warriors for a performance dance feels like a massive waste of time and resources, especially cabbage. So much wasted cabbage. Then again, Vichy claims his impressive swordsmanship was not derived from the Forms, but from dances learned in stage opera, so there might be more to Lion Dancing than meets the eye. The acrobatics and flashy moments could help practice teamwork, coordination, Lightening, and a whole bunch of other miscellaneous skills valuable to a soldier in the field, so maybe it’s not a complete waste of time.

Plus, it looks like a lot of fun. Maybe I could get lion costumes for the animals. The bunnies would look so adorbs...

The music and dancing continues as the lions make their way to the docks, their multi-coloured acrobatic antics almost giving me a seizure. At their destination, an enormous pyramid of cabbage sits atop a fancy gilded altar, and I can only thank the Mother Ping-Ping didn’t sniff it out and eat it before the festivities began. Rather than the expected feeding frenzy, the Lion Dancers fall into line and gather around, dancing in thanks to this massive offering, though I’m a little confused why they’re feeding leafy greens to lions. Mila rolls her eyes while Lin and the twins all laugh when I voice my confusion, but Luo-Luo chimes in with a helpful explanation. “The cabbage is a sign of prosperity,” she yells, struggling to be heard over the music. “And the shredded remainders are a symbolic blessing left by the lion to signify an abundance of luck in the coming year.”

...Was the pile of cabbages at last night’s banquet not meant for eating? Did Ping-Ping devour all my luck and leave me with nothing?

Ah whatever, I’ve never been lucky anyways.

The music comes to a crescendo as the last lion joins the fray, with hundreds of dancers moving in careful coordination to the frenzied drumbeat. The lion heads pop up and bow down in alternating pairs as they circle the altar in an odd, multi-coloured lion conga line in praise of cabbage. Up and down, round and round, the lions glorify their cabbage pyramid, celebrating their gathered wealth before the Heavens like a bunch of nouveau riche who don’t know any better.

The music screeches to a halt, the drums stilled, the cymbals stopped, the gongs silenced, so sudden and absolute I worry I’ve gone deaf. The audience watches with bated breath as the wary, motionless lions stare at the city, their fangs bared and eyes open in preparation to defend their gathered wealth. The tension builds as I scan the streets, alleys, and rooftops for this unseen foe, but to no avail.

A shrieking howl cuts through the silence and as one, the audience turns their head to the skies. The drums sound in a measured, three note cadence, reminiscent of a booming heartbeat, and a silken, serpentine dragon soars through the sky in an undulating wave, its azure scales shimmering in the sunlight. No less than eight pairs of legs poke out from beneath the dragon, eight experts working to slither across open air, a show of force most suitable to represent this mythical beast. Taking a wide, circuitous route, the dragon ‘flies’ around the city like a sovereign surveying its land, while the lions warily watch on, restrained by its magnificence, but far from subdued.

Settling onto the floating stage with grace and aplomb, the serpentine dragon raises its horned head high and flexes its claws. Screeching in challenge, the dragon lunges towards the pack of lions, looking to scare them away and steal their hard earned tribute. The music shifts and the tempo speeds up as the lions back away from the dragon’s advance, until their bottom line is reached and a handful roar in defiance. Bolstered by the courage of these brave individuals, the pride holds its ground and form up behind their champions, prepared to fight to the death and bring this invader to its knees.

The music reaches a furious pace with a speedy drum roll echoing without end. A pride of majestic lions, the king of beasts, facing off against a fearsome dragon, the symbol of Emperors since time immemorial. Powerful they may be, a lion is no match for a dragon, but the lions are many and the dragon alone. Should the Imperial beast push things too far, even it might meet its end at the fangs of the force arrayed against it. Who will win? None could say for certain, but should things progress as they are, we will soon find out.

Battle is joined with a crash of gongs which throws off the music’s rhythm, so offbeat it must be a mistake. Drawn to the city in search of the offending musician, my eyes pick out countless dark figures perched across the city, laying in wait and lurking in the shadows while the lions and dragon face off. Cymbals join the fray in a tumultuous din, so discordant and unpleasant I almost want to cover my ears, but I cannot spare the attention. With each passing second, more dark figures are revealed, grotesque, hideous creatures of nightmare and sin, their faces twisted in delight as they take in the battle before them. The Dragon fights fiercely and lions ‘die’ beneath its fury, but not without cost as more lions leap into the fray to avenge their fallen comrades and tear scales off to reveal silken red ‘flesh’ underneath.

All the while, the dark figures continue growing in number, flocking to Nan Ping’s roofs and edging closer to the docks, content to hide in the shadows until the balance of power shifts in their favour. Slowly, but surely, the dragon weakens and the lions dwindle, until finally, believing the day is theirs, the dark figures let loose with a cacophony of shrill cackles, bringing the battle between lions and dragon to a halt.

Until now, the performance was sublime, but my interest evaporates once I piece together the rest of the story. The dragon and lions, once bitter rivals, join forces to fight the dark interlopers and eventually defeat the invaders to carry the day, though at great loss as the cabbages are all destroyed in the bitter struggle. I get what they were going for, the lions are the outer provinces while the dragon is the East, and though we may butt heads from time to time, we must now unite against the Defiled else all will be lost.

Blergh.

We would have been better served if the dragon and lions all died and THEN the evil foreigners revealed themselves. That’ll teach everyone to fight over cabbages.

The Lion Dance comes to an end and the crowd’s thunderous cheers shake the ground as the performers take their bows. When the Legate steps out from beneath the dragon’s head, the applause reaches ear-splitting proportions as the audience goes crazy at the reveal, awed and gratified to have witnessed his Imperial self take the stage for their entertainment. Storytelling gripes aside, Shen Zhenwu really knows how to work a crowd, strutting about with his dragon leggings and waving at the audience while the other performers kowtow in costume.

Once finished basking in his applause, he holds his hands up for silence and the crowd obliges. “People of the Empire,” he begins, and I quickly turn an eye to those around me, watching to see how they react. “While there is much to celebrate in this gathering of heroes, let us not lose sight of why we have gathered here today. After millennia of conflict, the Enemy has finally breached our defences, and the West has fallen.” Lowering his head, the Legate offers a moment of silence for the fallen and Nan Ping responds in kind.

I can’t figure out what it is about him that makes him so charismatic. It’s gotta be more than his pretty smile or poignant delivery. A few simple words has the audience ready to ride out and meet the Defiled on the field of combat. Even Tali and Tate look adorably ready to lend aid to the defence, their cherubic faces set in grim determination, a stark contrast from their usual, fun-loving selves. Then again, maybe it’s not the Legate’s speech. Maybe I’m the weird one for not feeling the same way, but I don’t have it in me to hate the Defiled.

I’ll fight them and kill them, but I can’t hate them. They’re sick, and if I can’t save them, then the least I can do is put them out of their misery.

The moment of silence over, the Legate raises his head and resumes his speech. “We stand against an Enemy united, working in concert toward a singular goal: the destruction of our Azure Empire. Should we fail to drive them back, they will burn our cities, raze our lands, kill our soldiers, and torture our citizens, for no reason other than our mere existence.” His gaze sweeps out over the city and his tone takes a chilling turn. “Yet even now, with the Enemy at our doorstep, there are those among you who seek advantage in the chaos, putting their own interests above the Empire’s well being. Only yesterday morning, on this stage, Falling Rain defeated his peers to become the number one talent in the Empire.” Yay, go me, I’m awesome. “To nurture and develop his talent, I raised him to Imperial Peerage through marriage, and intend to raise others who prove worthy of the honour.” Honour, right. Thanks for making my life even more complicated, really appreciate it. Not. “In spite of his new status and an Imperial Decree, someone among you had the AUDACITY to make an attempt on his life. This insult will not stand.”

Gratified by all the gasps of outrage, I stand a little taller in the face of all the attention, though really, everyone around me already knows what happened. On stage, the Legate raises his hands for silence once again, and the audience’s outrage dies down to a hush. Snapping his fan open to display the dragon etched upon it, the Legate says, “Hear Me. The criminals responsible are sentenced to Nine Familial Deaths. You are all charged with finding them and carrying out their sentence. Should the guilty party step forth now, your family will be spared. Such is the Emperor’s mercy.” Fan still open, he stands and waits, a full minute passing in complete silence. When no one comes forth, the Legate shakes his head and utters, “So be it.” Closing the fan, he tucks it back into his belt before continuing. “Know this: my tolerance is at its end. Any further dissension will be punished to the full extent of the law, whether the perpetrator be noble or common born. Only united, can we stand against the Enemy, so united we shall be.”

Tch. Should’ve gone with, “United we Stand, Divided we Fall.” Would’ve really hammered the point home. I should get into speech writing. ‘Four score and twenty centuries ago, yadda yadda.’ Easy money.

Unaware of my critique, the Legate continues his long-ass speech, and eventually reaches a point of interest. “To promote harmony and uncover hidden talents, we have organized a staggering array of contests and challenges in the days to come. Feats of strength, skill, speed, and spirit will take place, open to all who seek to join and with remarkable prizes waiting to be claimed by the victors. Come, rise to the occasion and defeat all challengers to mark your name down in the annals of history!”

While the city erupts into cheers and Mila burns with anticipation, I let loose with a sigh of relief. I’m already number one talent in the Empire, and of Imperial Peerage, so it shouldn’t be a problem to skip all the contest shenanigans, right? Gotta leave some glory for the others, and who knows. Maybe someone in my circle of friends will make it big and take the pressure off my shoulders. Mother knows, I could use the help.

Most importantly, I’ll finally have time to decompress, get my head on right, and figure out all my shit.

...

Or at least, take a nap before going deep sea diving in search of a literal drop of water. I deserve that much, right?

Chapter Meme

- End of Volume 19 -