After a short break for lunch, the Imperial Grand Conference picks back up where it left off once the Legate and his soldiers parade back onto the floating stage, a process which is less than exhilarating. Then again, it’ll be hard to match this morning’s levels of excitement. Not to toot my own horn, but I’m fairly certain my stunning victory over Wu Gam will be the highlight of the day, a milestone moment which will be spoken of for years to come.

Okay, fine, I’m tooting my own horn, but so what? It feels good. Nothing wrong with a little self-toot every once in a while. Not like I’ll go blind, that’s just an old wives tale.

Sadly, the day’s victory was tainted by the arrival of my unwanted concubine and her accusing, tear-filled gaze. It’s so weird, why does a Servant need 360 soldiers? Who’s trying to kill her? And since when were dowries not a gift for the husband? Whatever. Putting her out of mind, I try to forget my problems and enjoy some good old-fashioned blood sport, but sadly, the Legate calls a steady stream of miscellaneous yet somehow important bigwigs to the stage to present their gifts in a non-violent fashion. I can’t blame him for milking this, because who doesn’t love getting gifts? Bored by the pageantry and exhausted from my action packed morning and the sleepless, traumatizing night preceding it, I cuddle up with Lin, Mila, and Ping Ping for a nice afternoon nap beneath the sun, hoping all my problems will be gone by the time I wake.

To my immense disappointment, my problems still exist when Lin wakes me to watch Akanai take the stage with Husolt, Tokta, Dagen, Ghurda, and a multitude of other Sentinels and former bannermen. Looking resplendent atop their well-groomed and well-disciplined battle quins, the difference is like day and night when compared to my rag-tag retinue, leading me to consider stricter dress codes or uniforms. Joined by the married Exharches Bralton and Erien and a few other mercenaries I’ve never heard of, they represent the Imperial Defence Forces of the Northern province. And only the Northern Province.

Boo. No inter-province rivalries settled or feuds enacted today. Boring.

Having denied Akanai the opportunity to show off her superior ass-kicking prowess, I take solace from the fact that the Legate does the same to everyone else. When it comes time for the Northern Imperial Army to present themselves, my Mentor stands as Nian Zu’s right hand man and successor, with Situ Jia Yang and Han BoHai beside them. Baatar’s exotic appearance stands out among the sea of almost identical humans, his silver-white hair and clear blue eyes visible even from a distance, a resplendent and dignified warrior in his gold-trimmed armour and black cloak bearing his wolf insignia. Even Baatar’s hulking roosequin Balor is sporting armour today, though neither rider nor mount have a chance to put it to use as the first day of the Imperial Grand Conference eventually comes to an end without any further violence.

This sucks. I wanted to see Akanai and Baatar smack the shit out of a bunch of famous people like the original Gam, Shuai Jiao, Du Min Gyu and Ryo Dae Jung. It would’ve been fun for the whole family to display our martial prowess and dominate our rivals throughout the Empire as a whole but I guess the Legate didn’t want powerful Martial Warriors duking it out on a raft, especially while he’s sitting on it. Understandable, I suppose, considering the young talents already did a fair amount of damage to the stage and there couldn’t possibly be an endless supply of replacement rafts to fix it. Besides, I’m sure there’s some personal safety issues with letting peak experts fight so close to the Imperial Legate, though I don’t know why anyone would want him dead. As far as Yuzhen knows, Shen Zhenwu is a nobody, a youngish Imperial Scion who no one in the outer provinces has ever met before.

This gives me all the more reason not to trust him. It might be the paranoia speaking, but why would the Emperor send an unknown and untried youth to handle something of this magnitude? The Emperor has a Grand Marshal, a Prime Minister, and a General of the Army, but decided this thirty-something year old pretty boy was better equipped to ensure the continued survival of the outer provinces? No fucking way. Chances are, Central’s already been given up for dead and we’re all here as meat for the meat-grinder.

Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean the Emperor isn’t out to get us.

Although this day feels like it’s been going on for weeks now, it’s still only mid-afternoon and there are plenty of festivities left to enjoy. Being the anti-social recluse that I am, I’d much rather stay here on the beach, lounging with Ping Ping and my two brides-to-be while Mama Bun stretched across our collective laps. It’s nice to sit arm in arm with my two lovely betrothed while ignoring all my issues and responsibilities. Lin napping on me in public is nothing new, but Mila is surprisingly forward today, holding my arm hostage throughout the entire ceremony. In light of the warmer Central climate, Mila’s taken to wearing long, loose shirts and little else, making for an alluring sight whenever her shirt slips to one side and exposes a single, lightly freckled shoulder. Throw in Lin’s sleep murmuring and Mama Bun’s aggressive snuggles and I could lay here all week if the world left me alone.

Unable to resist her allure, I kiss Mila’s shoulder and Send, “So my love, how does it feel to be betrothed to the number one talent in the Empire?”

After an adorably grumpy grimace, Mila bares her teeth and replies, “How should I know? I should be asking you the same thing.”

“Fair enough, but let your beleaguered betrothed enjoy his moment for a few hours before you take it away, okay?” If she challenges me in public, I’ll be faced with a difficult decision. Either I fight fair and let her take away my glory or use Aura to save face and suffer in private. While I don’t care too much about the title or the fame which comes with it, it’s nice to be on top for once, instead of the perpetual underdog and life’s whipping boy.

“Hmph. Enjoy your head.” Her sultry glare makes me wish we were back at the Wall and alone in her smithy, where the walls are thick and the neighbours loud enough to drown out any noise we make. “You’ve enjoyed yourself plenty and I deserve a win. I’m sure your new concubine will soothe your hurt feelings afterwards.”

“Don’t be jealous.” Nuzzling her shoulder, I sigh and shake my head, enjoying the soft texture of her bare skin. “Seriously, I’m not joking. I barely even know her and already I don’t like her.”

“...About that.” Nudging me none too lightly with her shoulder, Mila puffs her cheeks in sullen anger. “I can’t believe you’re making me stand up for your new concubine, but don’t you think you’re being too harsh with her? A few sentences into your first conversation and you already made her cry.”

“Oh please, you say that like you’ve never made me cry.”

“You asked for my help, practically begged me to hit you. Besides, what sort of number one talent cries after a few hits?”

“One who feels pain. Sorry for crying over my broken bones, but in my defence, I’m merely a fragile mortal man.” Kissing her cheek to show there’s no hard feelings, I go back to the topic at hand. “You’re too trusting my love. Who knows what agenda Luo-Luo has? For all we know, she was sent here by the Legate as a spy.”

“Why would he want to spy on you?”

Silly, naive Mila, so trusting of strangers, even the ones trying to steal her man. For an insular people, the Bekhai are pretty laid back with their see-how-it-goes attitude when it comes to taking in strangers. They’re willing to give almost anyone a chance, which is nice, but alarming. Luo-Luo’s already charmed Mila and my wifey, and now she’s working on my sweet niece and nephew. Insidious woman, I’m onto her schemes. Not really, but I’m watching her. To see if she does anything suspicious, not in a creepy, stalker way. “I don’t know why the Legate would want a spy in the Bekhai, but I know we have too many secrets to let her walk around freely. Panacea, Blobby, my Aura, all the former bandits in my employ, and who knows what else? I bet Grand-Mentor will feel the same way, just you wait and see.” Hopefully, Akanai or Yuzhen will have some way to get rid of Luo-Luo without pissing the Legate off or dooming a possibly innocent girl to... whatever happens to rejected Servants.

It’s probably not a pleasant end, but if it’s a choice between Luo-Luo’s life and my freedom, I’ll make the same decision every single time.

“Oh please.” Feigning anger, Mila bites my shoulder but my shirt absorbs most of the pressure. “Don’t pretend like you’re upset about adding a beautiful woman to your ever-growing harem. I don’t know what sin I committed in my past lives to warrant a punishment like falling in love with a man like you, a faithless beast in perpetual heat.”

Her light banter hits a little too close for comfort considering my recent revelations regarding Yan. Add an unwanted concubine into the mix and my marriage just doubled in size, which means Mila can’t be feeling great about it. “I’m sorry beloved. You deserve better.”

“Enough.” Biting my shoulder for real this time, the sharp pain is mitigated by Mila’s adorable scowl. “I love you, but you keep saying I deserve better like you aren’t worthy. It’s tiresome. If it were true, I would have left long ago, or Mama would have never allowed our betrothal.” Nestling her cheek on my injured shoulder, she adds, “You’re not without your flaws, but like you said, that merely makes you a fragile mortal man. If Luo-Luo is a spy, then trust that Mama will deal with her appropriately, but until she proves otherwise, it wouldn’t hurt to be a little nicer. It’s not Luo-Luo’s fault you have a lascivious and vile reputation, and since we’re stuck with her for the time being, there’s no reason we can’t be civil.”

“It’s not like I threatened her or anything. I lost my temper a little and said one harsh sentence. How was I supposed to know she’d fall to pieces? It’s like she expects me to drool all over her and cater to her every whim just because she’s a little pretty.” When I’m done rolling my eyes, I wiggle my eyebrows and smirk. “She’s not all terrible though, her presence has made you much more affectionate.”

“Idiot.” With a pouty smile which makes my heart skip a beat, Mila sighs and leans harder into my embrace. “Did it never occur to you that I’m being more affectionate because I missed you this last month? And, you put on a spectacular performance on stage this morning, defeating Wu Gam in a single blow. I’m suitably impressed, so much so that I’ll overlook how you beat him so readily because you were taking revenge for Yan.” With a mischievous twinkle in her eye, she forestalls my argument with a shake of her head. “Don’t lie and deny it, I’ve long since resigned myself to your voracious appetite. How is Yan anyways?”

My mouth hangs open as I struggle to find the words to respond with, as Mila just gave me too much to think about. “Err, first off, I missed you too.” Great, now it sounds like you felt obligated to say it, even though you really missed her. No way to fix it now, move on and do better. “The stage thing wasn’t that impressive, you would’ve beaten Wu Gam in a far more dominating fashion. Hell, I think Dastan could've done the same too, did you see his fight? I think he’s been holding back in our spars.” Stop stalling and get to the important stuff. “As for Yan, we didn’t really talk, but I wanted to. I miss her.”

“As well you should.” There’s no blame or accusation in Mila’s eyes, only a sad, quiet acceptance that she fell in love with a womanizer, which only makes me feel worse. “She’s an incredible person and you should go win her back. If you’re looking for my blessing, then you have it. Lin’s too, but that goes unsaid.”

This feels like one of those ‘shut up and take it’ victories, but curiosity overpowers reason. “Why? If you asked for my blessing to bring another man into our marriage, I’d murder him out of sheer spite.”

“Good. At least you care.” Blushing like I’d just said the most romantic thing ever, Mila closes her eyes and lets out a contented sigh. “You’re a lecherous man of carnal appetite, and as much as I’d like to have you all to myself, I know that would never work. Luckily for you, I love you enough to share and trust you enough to believe you won’t mistreat me.”

You really don’t deserve her, but moping about it won’t help. Instead, be better. Become worthy. Don’t be the reason for her regret. “I could never bear to mistreat you my love. I can’t promise you’ll always be happy, but I promise I’ll never stop trying to make it so.” Now follow through with it for the rest of your life, jerk. If you ever make Lin, Mila, or Yan cry, you deserve all the pain and misery which follows.

With a knowing smile, Mila leans in for a short kiss before breaking it off. “It doesn’t matter too much anyways,” she Sends with a teasing smile, “I’ll outlive you by three to four hundred years, so after you’re gone, I’ll find a new husband to satisfy my needs, a tall, handsome, strapping young man all for myself.”

Oof. She’s joking, but it’s a little too real. Then again, it’d be stupid to expect her to live out the rest of her life alone after I’m gone...

Satisfied with her victory, Mila gingerly moves Mama Bun’s legs off of her lap and hops to her feet, stretching her arms and back with a series of sexy grunts. “I’m in the mood for a little exercise. Song, do you want to spar?”

Thankful to have been spared the shame of a public defeat, I wave goodbye as Mila saunters off with Li Song, leaving me with Lin, Luo-Luo, and all my pets. After waking Lin with a soft kiss and putting my loving Aura to good use, I wrangle all my animals and head back to my yurt carrying Sir Inky’s cauldron, hoping the angry octopus is still alive. He hasn’t made a peep since this morning’s horrifying tentacle mouth molestation and I’m too scared to check. Not in public at least, I have an image to maintain after all.

While I’m distracted thinking about how to get Sir Inky to love me in a less physical manner, Luo-Luo and Lin-Lin share a lengthy whispering session which comes to an end when my lovely, long-eared wifey hops onto my back and declares, “We’re throwing a welcome party for Luo-Luo tonight, hubby. You don’t hafta do anything, you just have to be there, okay?”

Ugh. “Does it have to be tonight?” Or you know... ever?

“Yup. The Legate gifted Luo-Luo to us, but if no one knows about it then he won’t be happy, so the sooner the better, ya?”

“Okay, but don’t go overboard. Last I checked, we’re running low on coin and 360 more soldiers won’t help.”

“Hm, about that hubby.” Resting her cheek on my shoulder, Lin makes sure I can see her big brown eyes before whispering, “We might actually earn coin by throwing a party. It’s not exactly a wedding, but since she’s your concubine, it’s sort of like a wedding, ya? People will bring gifts, so I think we should spend a little more.”

God, it’s been a few hours and Luo-Luo already has Lin and the twins wrapped around her finger. “How much?” I ask, not bothering to lower my voice.

“Not too much.” Judging by Lin’s averted glance, that’s not true at all. After a long silence in which my raised eyebrow refuses to drop, my wifey flashes a sheepish smile and continues. “We need a big space for all our guests, so I said we could rent out the six restaurants around the duelling stage we always go to. As the bride, Luo-Luo also needs a red dress, she only has purple, gold, green, blue, black, and yellow. She doesn’t need new jewellery, but it’d be nice to have something she can show the guests and say was from you. She also needs a zither to perform for the guests and at least two handmaidens to accompany her. We’ll hafta hire servers and cooks, maybe some other entertainment, and -”

“Stop.” Dear sweet Mother in Heaven, has Lin lost her mind or is Luo-Luo’s charisma stat through the roof? How did she convince my sweet wifey to spend so much money? Turning to face the towering succubus, I break the news as gently as possible, because I cannot deal with a woman’s tears. “Look, I don’t know what standards you were accustomed to or what misconceptions you have about me, but I’m not some princeling or rich young noble with vast estates and holdings. I understand the need for a party, but I can’t afford the opulent and luxurious lifestyle you’ve envisioned for yourself. I’ll talk to Mister Rustram and see what we can spare, but I can tell you right now, new dresses, jewellery and handmaidens are almost certainly out of my price range.” Probably the zither too. Instruments are expensive, right? “And six restaurants? I don’t think I even know enough people to fill six restaurants. If you’re upset because I took away your guards, I’m sorry, but it had to be done.” There’s no way I’m letting that many soldiers wander around camp unchecked under the control of a possible spy, but it’d be rude to mention it. “I promise I won’t let you suffer a loss, but like I told you earlier, I’m having money flow issues, issues which a big extravagant party would only exacerbate.”

Throughout the whole spiel, Luo-Luo’s expression goes from cheerful and excited to utterly depressed in the span of a single minute. Visibly choking on her tears, she curtsies and responds with a simple, “It shall be as Falling Rain says. Luo-Luo apologizes for overstepping her bounds.”

God if she’s faking then she’s the best actress in the world. I hate how she says my name like it’s a title, but I don’t want to correct her more than necessary. “No. Don’t just shut down and accept whatever I say. I’m not angry or upset and even if I were, you have nothing to fear from me. Please, be reasonable and let’s work together. We need to throw you a welcoming party to give the Legate face. I have monetary concerns. How do we solve this? Let’s go inside, sit down, and discuss this like sensible people.” Putting the cauldron down, I crack the lid open, toss in a handful of dried fish, and slam the lid back down, all the while praying Inky is still alive so I won’t disappoint Taduk. Leaving Ping Ping to guard our new friend and the bunny enclosure, I head into my yurt with Lin, Luo-Luo, and the rest of my pets to plan a party I neither want nor can afford.

This morning, I became Falling Rain, number one talent in the Empire.

Judging by Luo-Luo’s sulky pout, I’ve earned a new title: Falling Rain, cheapskate party pooper.

Chapter Meme