While riding home, the cold winter temperature helps cools my temper though it does nothing to improve my already foul mood. I shouldn’t have trashed all of Baledagh’s sparring partners, they’re my friends and I trampled over their pride, not to mention my little brother’s. While winning was cathartic, a few minutes later all I’m left with is guilt and regret. Trusting Mafu to find his way back unguided, I enter the Natal Palace to check on Baledagh, where he sits pouting on the bed while lost in thought, his arms crossed and brow furrowed. “Hey buddy, how’re you doing?”

Scowling as I take a seat beside him, he answers my question with one of his own, one of my greatest pet peeves. “How did you know to parry BoShui’s opening strike? If it wasn’t a feint and had real power behind it, your weapon would have been blown aside and your front exposed.”

Right down to business I guess. “He’s trained to not telegraph his punches, but he has a tell in his shoulders when he feints. If you see the punch before it starts, it’s a feint.”

Pausing as he considers my words and reflects on the match, Baledagh nods as he commits this to memory. “What about Dastan? You struck the moment he moved, faster than reflexes allow.”

“Dastan’s strong, but not strong enough to overpower you through sheer muscle alone. His strikes are so overwhelming because he puts his whole body into each swing, with everything from his toes to shoulders working in perfect coordination to deliver a powerful blow. Problem is, when he’s wearing those cloth sparring shoes, you can literally see his toes clench in preparation for a strike. Plenty of time to react.”

Again, Baledagh stops to absorb the information before asking his next question. “And Zian? How’d you know he’d slip to your right? Standard tactics say to keep yourself on your opponent’s weak side, which would be your left. Him stepping right is unpredictable.”

“Yea, I dunno why but I’ve noticed he often puts himself at a disadvantage against you. Only you, never against the others, but it’s not because he’s looking down on you. It’s calculated and intentional, or it was at the start, so my guess is he’s trying to be less predictable. Problem is, you never punish him for it so he’s picked up a couple bad habits.” I also had contingencies in place no matter what Zian did, but let’s leave that alone for now. Baledagh isn't really a planner, more of a doer.

Still scowling in full force, Baledagh looks me in the eye and asks, “The step you used today. Why didn’t you tell me it’d be so effective? You used it to defeat every one of them except Zian. Against him, the step forced him on the defensive instead of dancing circles around us like he always does, a huge advantage.”

One he could have used these past few months, but I sort of left him out to dry. “Is that what you want?” I counter, happy to give him a taste of his own medicine. Questions for answers are the worst. “For me to give you all the answers like a little Spectre floating around your mind?” Ah I shouldn’t of said that. Isn’t that all I am, Baledagh’s ‘benign’ Spectre? “You helped me perfect the movement, how come you never tried it out yourself?”

“Because I didn’t understand what made it so effective until Li Song just explained it.” Deflating with a sigh, Baledagh rests his chin on his palms and adds, “Plus, it looks ridiculous.”

Putting my arm around his shoulders, I wrack my brains for a way to cheer him up. Failing to come up with anything useful, I ask, “You wanna go for a ride after we drop the bunnies off? Mafu could use the exercise.”

“No. I’m weak, I can’t spare the time for frivolous activities.”

“You’re not weak.”

“No need to lie brother. If I’m not weak, then why do your friends all think you’re holding back when I fight?”

I really wished they’d been more tactful about it all. “They’re misinformed.” Rolling my eyes at his disbelieving scoff, I suppress the urge to be snarky and sarcastic. Internally hemorrhaging from the effort required, I broadcast my recollection of the fight on the windows and let it play out to emphasize my words. “Notice how cautiously they’re approaching the fight. Even though we look the same, our styles are drastically different and it shows. Everything they learned about fighting you doesn’t apply to fighting against me, whereas I know everything there is to know about them. That’s why I won so easily. Believe me, if we fought a second or third time, my victory won’t come so easily.” Though I’d probably still win if I went all out, even against Zian or Li Song. Baledagh could too if he stopped falling for obvious baits, but he’s too eager to close the distance and duke it out. He’s a little brainless in that regard and while it’s not so bad in a real fight where I can heal our injuries, it's a huge handicap in a spar where we fight to first obvious ‘injury’.

Determined to continue sulking, Baledagh ignores my attempts to cheer him up and grumbles, “That can’t be the only reason. Even with what you’ve revealed, I still have trouble seeing a path to victory in my next spar.”

Honestly, I’ve pondered the same thing, but he’s not gonna like my answer. “I’ve seen you practice. You’re fast and agile, your movements flowing and free, yet when you step on stage, that all changes. You tense up, puff out your chest, and lock your knees, clenching and unclenching your fist and jaw.” In other words, my little brother has stage fright but calling it that won’t win me any points. He needs to come to that conclusion himself. “Answer me this: When those soldiers posing as merchants tried to kill you, how did you feel?”

With a small chuckle, Baledagh replies, “Amused, mostly. Their intentions were laughably obvious.”

“So relaxed?”

“Yea. Sort of.” Closing his eyes, Baledagh smiles and sighs. “My heart raced, hand ached, and nerves screamed of danger, but my blood sang as we fought, a smile stretched across my face the entire time. When it was over, I felt more alive than I had in weeks. Months even. I longed for more, more combat, more bloodshed, and I even considered slaughtering the slaves for sport, hungering to feel my blade sink into their flesh.” Opening his eyes, he hurriedly admits, “But I didn’t. Wasn’t even close, just a stray, dark thought.”

Well, that’s kinda terrifying. Seems like my little brother is an adrenaline junkie, his mind conditioned by Spectres to release all the feel-good signals when he kills. It’s not enough to turn people into monsters, Spectres wants their victims to enjoy the descent into darkness. “Dark thoughts aside, maybe that’s the difference. You don’t really enjoy sparring, do you?”

“I did at first, but now... There’s too much to focus on. Their weaknesses, my movements and positioning, my Chi skills and approach, a thousand things I never had to consider before. Just thinking about it all makes me dizzy.”

The humiliation from losing is probably also a factor, but his pride won’t let him say it. “Practice makes perfect little brother. Once Reinforcement and Lightening become second nature, that takes a lot off your plate. Same goes with spotting openings and counters, it’s not so much an active process for me anymore.” Sensing victory at hand, I add, “You’re always cooped up in the Natal Palace, you don’t get enough time practising in real life conditions. How’s about you take over when we run to the training grounds? Then you can practice your Chi skills in a real environment.” With adorable Banjo strapped to your back.

“... but you hate it in there. You always complain when you come out.”

His sheepish concern makes me laugh out loud. “Is that why you keep refusing to take over? Ignore me, I love complaining. I’ll survive a few extra hours little brother.” Probably.

It takes a little more convincing but Baledagh finally agrees to spend more time wearing the meat-suit, a bitter-sweet outcome for us both. We mostly leave it unspoken but neither of us are thrilled by our current circumstances, which is all the more reason I need to up my Chi game and craft him a second body. Or more likely, craft me a second body, since I’m probably a soul-jumping, quasi-Spectre intruder. Chances are, I’ll adapt to a new body better than he will.

Besides, who wouldn’t want to customize their own body? I’ll be tall and bearded, and maybe even have a pair of bear arms. Anything is possible.

“Hey,” he mumbles, interrupting my plans for the future. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

Staring and his palms like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, Baledagh mumbles, “It’s my fault we were almost exiled. Because I was...”

Well that deserves a smack to the head. Following through with the thought, I ignore his angry glower and say, “Not your fault idiot. The Spectres latched on to you through no choice of your own.” Now, going full Defiled is partially his fault, but the odds were stacked against him so I don’t blame him too much. We all make mistakes, some more than others. “Just stay strong and don’t let them influence you again. Besides, I’m also to blame. My actions during the Purge were also good reason for the Bekhai to exile me.” Stupid Emperor, how are you supposed to improve if you can’t accept a little criticism concerning your genocidal practices?

Our conversation comes to an end as we both retreat into our thoughts. All I can think about is how I was almost exiled for bringing calamity to everyone I know and love. I keep forgetting I’m not just ‘Falling Rain’, I’m ‘Falling Rain of the Bekhai’ and my actions reflect on them as a whole. If I break a law, the punishment doesn’t stop with my death. It’s weird because I never really saw myself as a part of the Bekhai and didn’t really care about it too much, yet it hurts knowing they’re only keeping me around because my family stood up for me. I liked being part of a community even if I always kept myself apart. It’s human nature, we all want to feel like we belong, no matter how emo or rebellious we might pretend to be. In retrospect, I understand the Bekhai never truly accepted me but both sides share equal blame. I showed no interest so they made no effort. To me, the Bekhai started and ended with my family and friends while the rest were just strangers who lived nearby, but I could have been a part of them at any time, if I wanted to.

Now? Even if they didn’t exile me, I know they don’t want me around, which hurts a hell of a lot more than I ever thought it would. With a heavy heart, I trudge into my yurt to try and pretend my almost exile never happened only to find Lin lazing around a blazing fire with Aurie as her backrest. Wrapped in a heavy quilt, my adorable wifey looks up from her book and greets me with a heart-melting smile. “Hi hubby.”

Despite my dampened spirits, seeing Lin always cheers me up. “Hi wifey.” While taking off my jacket and boots, I glance over my lazy pets, all sprawled around the yurt with Lin’s vest-wearing quins, each one hoping I’ve brought food. Sensing warmth, Mama Bun pops her head out of the box and scans the room, ignoring the bears, wildcats, and quins to focus on the birds inside of their cage, letting loose with a cacophony of mimicked laughter to herald my arrival. As if sensing a rival, Roc stops mid-squawk to fix Mama Bun with a glare, his feathers ruffled and puffed in an attempt to intimidate this new floppy-eared intruder.

Funny how it’s always the tiny animals who think they’re the boss, while the real boss of the yurt, Suret, has yet to return. Placing the box of bunnies in front of Lin, I curl up beside her and use Aurie’s back as a pillow, basking in my wifey’s smile as she feeds Mama Bun a handful of tubers. “I thought I ran out. Did you go buy some?”

“Yup.” After coaxing Mama Bun into her arms, Lin leans back and touches her head to mine. “Tired?”

“Yea, lunch was exhausting.” Not to mention what happened after. Lin doesn’t know about my near brush with exile. No one knows aside from Baatar, Akanai, and their respective spouses, and I’d rather keep it that way.

“You’re so funny hubby. It was just a family lunch, ya?”

“Yea, but social interactions are draining, even if it’s with family. I love them, but a big meal once a week is probably my limit.” And one almost-exile a lifetime is already too much.

“Mm. I love having a big family.” Resting her head against mine, Lin smiles as she snuggles with Mama Bun, who is oddly docile in my wifey’s arms. “It used to be just me and Daddy, or sometimes even just me alone. Now, every night I get to eat with my Rainy and his family, it’s the best.”

“It's your family too, wifey. I love having a big family, I just don’t necessarily want to be around them everyday. I need my personal space, some alone time to rest and recuperate.” Alone time I almost never get unless I lock myself in the Natal Palace, but such is life.

Lin’s big brown eyes meet mine as she asks, “Want me to leave so you can be alone?”

The best thing is she’s not offended at the prospect of being asked to leave, only concerned she’s bothering me and I’m too polite to say so. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I pull her close and whisper, “Never. I love being alone with you around.” I really do. Don’t know why, but I’m comfortable around her, even more so than with Mila. Lin has no expectations, she only wants to be close.

With a tiny giggle, Lin kisses my forehead and says, “Silly Rainy, you’re not making any sense.”

“Don’t have to. It’s just how it is.” Spotting a drooling Mafu crawling towards the box of bunnies, I stretch a foot out and nudge his fat head away. I’m gonna need to dig a warren soon or I’ll be left with exactly zero bunnies and one slightly fatter quin. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but since Guard Leader specifically told me to look after Mama Bun, I don’t want to disappoint her.

Truth be told, I don’t blame Guard Leader for wanting me gone. Akanai was wrong to stand up for me, she should’ve let them exile me and be done with it. She didn’t defend me because I was morally in the right, she stood up for me because in her eyes, even though I fucked up, we’re family and family sticks together. As much as I appreciate her support, my actions during the Purge almost brought disaster to the Bekhai’s doorstep. Worse, if given the same choice again, I don’t think I’d do things any differently. I understand the smart thing to do is to be like Zian and keep my head down, but I don’t think I could ever forgive myself if I did nothing while innocent people suffered right before my eyes.

All it takes for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing, but what am I supposed to do if evil has already won?

Things aren’t even that easy. The Purge might very well be a necessary evil. A few thousand lives sacrificed to ‘protect’ millions more, simple arithmetic. This doesn’t mean the Emperor is evil, just a cold-hearted pragmatist. Who am I to say things should be different? If I had my way and the Purge was stopped, maybe the Spectres would take over everyone and leave nothing but death and ashes in their wake. Who can say?

Maybe it’s better if I give up and go full hermit mode for the rest of my life, but is that what I really want? As much as I hate people and travelling, I can’t live my life in self-imposed isolation. Right now I feel like hiding away from the world, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? Maybe I’ll want to go to the market with my wifey, or travel with Mila as she rises to glory, or even take my family on a pleasure trip to see a giant turtle. During these excursions, if I see something morally wrong, then I’ll most likely do something stupid and try to stop it regardless of the law or possible consequences. I’m not some paragon of justice, but I can’t turn a blind eye to abuse or suffering. In all likelihood, I’ll end up dying for a stupid reason, but that’s the life I want to live.

Unfettered and free to do whatever the fuck I feel like.

Which apparently means I need to be at least stronger than Nian Zu. I wish Zian had answered my last question. How strong do I need to be before I can tell the Emperor to mind his own god-damned business? Stronger than the Society obviously. Maybe there isn’t an answer. I’m not sure if the Emperor rules through personal strength or his massive armies, or maybe he commands obedience through Divine Right of Kings or something. Whatever. The Empire has survived this long, and while things are looking grim, we’re still not on the brink of outright extinction so they’ve got to be doing something right. Either way, matters of national security are above my pay grade. I’m just a small man with small dreams, who wants to live a long, happy, uneventful life with his family and friends. Is that really so much to ask for?

If past experience is anything to go by, then yes it is and how dare I demand such extravagance? Well fuck you Universe. I want it all and I’m gonna get it, with or without your help. I’ll show the Bekhai not exiling me was the best decision they ever made. I’ll collect all of Blobby’s friends and master the use of Heavenly Energy, becoming strong enough to not listen to some absentee ruler who doesn’t give a damn about the welfare of his people. I’m aiming for the pinnacle because I now realize the only way my loved ones will ever truly be safe is if we become strong enough to ensure our safety.

Even if it’s through the threat of mutual destruction.

...

Though I should probably hermit up for a year or five first. Just to be safe.

Chapter Meme