Chapter 116

ERIKA LEIGH PARLAM

I'm a wreck—

Every waking moment is agony.

After that day of breaking up with Andy, I always woke up feeling like a crap, a shit: my head felt like being hammered without ceasing, my throat hurts from all the crying, and my heart— my heart felt like being rip apart and the pain is like no other.

I felt terrible—

My mind is muddled of unending thoughts, dragging me down to the dark world of depression.

And I'm emotionally and mentally drained—

There are times I thought of self destruction, like giving up my life for once so I could rest my suffering soul.

With all these shits, I blame myself.

Breaking up with Andy has never cross my mind, not even once. She's someone I could see my future with, but her ations in the past few days were all telling me— that she's giving up on us.

And I am Erika Leigh Parlam, I've never been dumped in my life. My pride won't take that. So I made the call; I broke up with her, I uttered the words, I set her free.

Pride aside, I have spent sleepless nights weighing things up: cracking my head and breaking my heart, and I came to a conclusion that burdened me down to my core.

I know that my indeciveness in the matter of coming out has been difficult for Andy. I know she's hurting. So I have decided not to continually cause her pain— by setting her free.

It took everything I have to make that decision. And maybe, just maybe, it's for the best to both of us and leave everything to fate, to destiny.

That I'll see her when the road decides the time for our paths to cross again— and may still have this mutual feeling.

I don't want to tie her up anymore on a chain of my cowardice and hold her down from flying; that I myself doesn't even know when will I be courageous enough to fly with her.

I'm a coward—

I'm dealing with outrageous worries.

I'm living in fear of what will happen once I told my family the 'real me', the 'gay me' that I'd been keeping to myself the whole time.

I know for sure, if I come out now, everything would be jeopardized: my relationship with my family, my carreer, my life.

My family is riddled with homophobes. I've seen it first hand with Alex and I can't possibly take the risk and be disowned.

Coming out, just by thinking about it, I could already hear my mom yelling what a disgrace I am.

I'm an only child—

Though, I grew up with my parents always away on business trips as their life revolves around work, they are still my parents and they never lack providing me with all my needs as well as my wants.

And yes, I live in luxury with all their hard earned money but I'm not spoiled. I'm different. I never flaunted my family's riches but I don't hide it either nor deny it.

I'm young—

Unlike others or Mei who has been exposed to business at a young age, established a name and connections but me— I have nothing yet.

'I— have— nothing— yet'

I've never been to that part time jobs and the like either. So, to be disowned, I think I won't survive on my own.

Hence, I did not chose her—

… I did not chose Andy, not over my family , reputation and society.

I'm dealing with this the only way I know how by sacrificing my love and my identity.

But I'm hoping someday—

...where I could dare to look at people's eyes without being shy,

…where I could stand up for myself with my head held high,

…where I could finally freely fly.

I'm hopeful—

It may not be today but maybe someday. I know there will come a day just that it's not today.

I know it's all up to me to become my own person.

And I know, I fairly well know, I need to do it for 'myself' not even for the reason of being with Andy— but for myself.

[************]

I was pulled out from my train of thoughts as somebody banged my door and it flew open. I lifelessly turned to my cousin panting by the door frame.

"Andy is leaving," she uttered, almost inaudible as she was catching her breath.

"She's heading to the airport— for good."

A sudden feeling of cold, freezing, crept through my every vein. The walls of the room seemed like caving in around me too, causing my breathing to become shallow, laborious, suffocating.

Fear took over my body.

I couldn't also clearly hear a thing after that.

None was audible, like I became suddenly deaf and my cousin kept on mumbling but I heard nothing at all. I just grasped something about— Andy cutting all contact.

Then a burning sensation on my left cheek made me come back to my senses— she slapped me, hard.

"Stop being pathetic!" my cousin snapped, her eyes were raging in anger but held sympathy at the same time.

"She's leaving for good and nobody knows where she's heading to!"

"… not Donna, and not even her family!"

"So stop being pathetic and move your ass now and get back your girl!"

"And please stop blaming yourself Erika!"

'god'

I know I have decided to let Andy go but hearing she's leaving me for good, who knows how long and who knows where, broke me even more.

It's so easy telling oneself of letting go and moving on but—

'damn'

… it's not easy at all.

In the end, I don't want to let her go.

My heart raced, adrenaline rushed over me. I ran out of my apartment with my indoor slippers on, an oversized tee with just my underwear underneath.

I haven't even taken a shower for days but I didn't care.

I just ran—

I ran like a mad man but thankfully, my cousin has my back. She brought me a decent shorts and helped me put it on while we were inside the elevator.

And I'm not done buttoning it up when the door opened and I darted out, not minding anything or anyone, then I froze—

'I didn't have my keys'

… then my cousin took a hold of my arm and shoved me inside her car— and drove off.

[**********]

I was breathing really hard inside the elevator going up to Andy's apartment. I was trembling at the same time, my body shook on its own, silent tears continue to fall.

Then the strength on my knees left me at the sight I saw as soon as I stepped out of the elevator.

I leaned my shoulder on the wall and slid down on my side and went sitting on the cold floor.

There she was, standing with her luggage on her side, waiting for the elevator to arrive, five meters away from me.

She was taken a back at first when she saw me but then it was replaced immediately with an unreadable expression; her face, void of emotion.

She didn't even come over to help me up, she just stared at me with a blank expresion, rooted on her ground.

"Please don't go," I begged, I can't almost utter the words as my throat ran dry from the all the running but—

... but she didn't react.

There was silence, a deafining one.

We just stared at each other for a moment; scanning, assessing, trying to decsern something.

Then the sound of the elevator's arrival broke our trance and the doors flew open.

My heart panicked, my sweats dripping coldly, I didn't even dare to break eye contact, fearing she might vanish in my sight.

Then—

… then my world collapsed.

"I'm sorry, I've had a changed of heart," she said coldy, then took her steps inside the elevator, pulling her luggage along, leaving me broken on the cold floor.

I froze—

I stared at the closed doors of the lift like it's the most facinating thing in the world while the rim of my eyes flooded again with tears.

My chest felt so tight right there; the pain seemed to rip me from the inside and then tears came flowing once again, dripping continuously from my eyes.

The pain could kill me...

I broke—

Then strong arms wrapped around me— it was Mei and I burried my face as I sobbed in her chest.

She held me and I cried—

... I cried hard losing the love of my life.

The End—

[*************]

Author's Note:

Hi guys, so the story ends here and thank you for everyone who journeyed with me through and through. Thank you for all the power stones and the lovely comments.

I will miss you guys.

Also, hello 'silent sect'. I would be much grateful if you drop a comment as this is the end anyway.

Furthermore, special mention to iori01 and chimel93 for all the powerstones that made me notice you. To Starry_Nekojin too. If you may, I would be really happy if you could join me in discord (viLelouch7155) along with others.

Lastly, to everyone, drop a review guys hahaha ... bbye