LILA

"Knowing you've done the wrong thing… it kills you inside. Deep down. And it makes you miserable and angry and… nothing good. Even if you want to do good, if you do the wrong thing… it hurts you.

​​

"I was out of therapy when my dad killed himself, and it sent me right back in. And I realized something through all that: I would have rather my dad stood up to that man and he went through with his threat and killed me—or my dad—than that we went through what we went through. Loss sucks. I didn't want to lose anyone. But instead of my father standing strong and being admirable, or me getting lost in something that was out of my control, he tried to stop it. And it not only killed him, it sucked his soul dry first. It's not worth it, Dane. It's not worth it."

"Lila—"

"Please, you have to believe me, it was so painful watching him go insane. Knowing that if he'd just admitted what he did… if he just gave himself up at least he could walk into whatever happened with a clear conscience."

"Lila, I didn't kill my father."

"I'm really glad to hear that, but it's not what I'm talking about," she said quietly. "I'm talking about the things you did, the things you convinced yourself you had to do. For your whole life."

Dane looked away for the first time, frowning at their hands, clasped and resting on his thigh.

"Dane, look at me."

He looked up, his brow lined with tension and eyes guarded. He was afraid of what she'd say. "I love you, Dane," she whispered. "I love you more than I've ever loved another human being. Ever. And tomorrow I'm still going to love you."

"But?" he said, his voice short and dark.

"There is no 'but.' I'm not trying to stop loving you. I'm trying to tell you that I'll love you even if you don't save me. Or yourself. Because you can't save everyone. And it's not your fault if they don't get saved. You can't win everything. And sometimes the only way you can help someone is by keeping yourself safe. It isn't your fault when the world burns. The fire was lit a long time ago. What happened when you were young wasn't your fault. At all. And you don't have to keep paying for it."

She heard his breath catch and didn't look away as his eyes began to well. "Lila…" he searched her gaze, hope and fear warring in his.

"You have to believe me, Dane. If you don't, when we finally get a life—when we're finally certain that your dad is gone—then you'll just find another enemy to fight and we'll be doing this our whole lives. You have to promise me you won't sacrifice yourself to eternal war with invisible demons. Please. Please."

"I don't want to," he breathed. "But fighting… it's all I know. Fighting to stay alive. Fighting to keep other people alive. Fighting him…"

"You have to stop fighting, Dane. You have to just live. Please."

*****

DANE

His heart was beating too fast. He couldn't decide if she was bringing this conversation to a head because she wanted him back, or because she was going to say goodbye. Fear trilled through him.

"So… if I wasn't fighting… if I'd faced my father trying to force me to cheat, to destroy you that way, what would I do? What would that have looked like to you?" he asked carefully.

Lila swallowed hard. "I would have taken the risk that he might kill me…"

Dane jerked his head back. "How is that any better?"

She faced him stubbornly, chin raised. "Because I'd go to my grave knowing who I am and what I am is valuable. And that I protected us—I didn't destroy us. And I'm not destroyed by what happened. I would rather my body died and my soul was clear, than the other way around."

Dane blew out a breath. "Lila… I don't know, babe. I can't promise that I'll never take a stand to help you. I just… can't."

"How is you taking a bullet for me any different than me taking a bullet for you?" Lila asked quietly.

And in the following moment, Dane realized he didn't have an answer.

While Lila watched him, he turned that question over in his mind and looked at it from every angle. And the more he answered it to himself with the true answer, which was, because you're better than me, the more he grasped what she'd been saying. What she'd been trying to get through to him.

If she'd sacrificed herself to his father for him, if she'd ended up dead because she fought… he would have been heartbroken, but he also would have admired her, and celebrated her. He would have ached to have her back, but his love for her would only have grown.

But if he'd gotten a video of her giving herself up to another man…? No matter how much he understood about her motives, something inside him would have died.

Oh, shit. Oh, motherfucker.

"Oh fuck, Lila…" he breathed.

A tiny sob broke out of her throat. "I know. But this is what it's like from this side, Dane. Everything between you and your dad, it's like… waiting for the other shoe to drop. You have so much integrity and care for people. But then your dad makes an order and you just… crumple. I'm asking you not to crumple ever again. Come to me instead. Please? Take the risk that I might get hurt—but also that I might be able to help."

He swallowed hard. "This is… this is hard…"

"Yeah, it is. There's no good answers, Dane."

"But I don't know if I can… it's so much easier to take pain myself than to ask it from you. I don't know if I can ever put myself in a position where I just… give up like that."